So Cosmo’s been really slack about providing me good stuff to make fun. It’s really quite selfish of them. But they’ve bounced back a bit with this article: “25 Signs He’ll Be A Good Boyfriend.” On the plus side, none of these signs included “having a lot of money” or “being well-endowed,” so I still have a chance at being a good boyfriend. I just don’t think my wife would like it….
1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup.
“Hey, Babe. What happened with Becky? They broke up?! Oh no! Was it cause she won’t do threesomes? Or better yet, because she wants a threesome and he wouldn’t go for it? Even if she’s just down for a devil’s threeway? What? Why are you mad? I’m just asking about your friend….”
2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, “Do you think that went well?”
“Sooooo, that Becky’s pretty cool, huh? Yeah…..so like……are she and what’s his name still broken up?”
3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn’t sigh and roll his eyes because you’re “complaining again.” If he can’t sit through a five-minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won’t be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong.
Yeah, because listening to someone bitch for the thousandth about how fucking Roger in Accounting won’t refill the coffee pot when takes he last the cup means they won’t be there when an actual, for real problem arises.
4. He’s polite to waiters and cashiers, and doesn’t do that awful thing where you yell, “CHECK, PLEASE,” across the restaurant.
Don’t date an asshole. Got it. Thanks, Cosmo. You’re real fucking helpful.
5. He doesn’t desert you at his friends’ parties. It’s OK for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it’s not OK for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.
Hey, maybe you should find out what Chad’s been going through before you get mad about this. Maybe Chad just lost his job and his fiancé dumped him for her Guatemalan yoga instructor. I mean, probably not. Chad’s probably just talking about the time that cougar gave him a handjob in the TGI Friday’s bathroom. Classic Chad! But still, you don’t know.
6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn’t say anything when you “accidentally” eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, (“You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice“) then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance.
Okay, when did fucking Drake become the go to reference source for what love looks like. Also, who is this Drake fellow? Is he one of the those hippity-hop people the kids are always talking about? And if so, is it safe to assume he fucked Kim Kardashian? (She’s still a thing, right?) Plus, pizza comes in even numbered slices. Always. So you will each have the same number of pieces. Every time. It’s simple fucking math, people.
7. He doesn’t manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world.
Look, if you’re going to use a term that doesn’t actually mean what you are implying it means, use fucking quotes. Like this, “He doesn’t “manspread” across…” Because “manspread” refers to a man who spreads his legs unnecessarily wide in order to take up more room on a bus or train seat.
8. He’s genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he’s excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.
Ha! All he heard was that you had a story about something crazy you did in the back seat of a van. That look on his a face is disappointment.
9. He doesn’t get upset when you say you need some alone time.
Well, since he uses the phrase “alone time” to mean watching porn and masturbating, he’s gonna assume you mean the same thing, so now he’s using his “alone time” to masturbate to the thought of you watching porn and masturbating. Oh, did I just ruin something for you?
10. He never says things like, “You’re being crazy,” or, “You’re being ridiculous.”
But what if you actually are being crazy? “No, Beth, I can assure your cat is not Hitler reincarnated. Your cat’s just an asshole. You’re being crazy.” Or what if you are being ridiculous? “What? You think I have a crush on Becky? The one with the great rack, 3 gigs of lesbian porn on her laptop and an ass I’d like to wear as a hat? You’re being ridiculous, babe!”
11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don’t want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he’s attracted to you.
So, once again, no assholes? Ok! Thanks again, Cosmo! <sprains eyeball tendon rolling eyes>
12. He has female friends who aren’t just a collection of women who’ve seen his penis before.
Or maybe he’s just a champ at getting friendzoned! Also, there’s no way you’ll ever get suspicious of how much he talks to Jessica. “We’re just friends, sweetie! (Until she lets me touch her butt.) You’re being ridiculous!”
13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would.
Like, REALLY excited….
“Have you ever heard of an ‘Eiffel Tower?’ Yeah, I had to look it up too, after Jason told me about it. You remember Jason, right babe?”
14. You don’t find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends.
Gah. Like you didn’t have your phone on you while you were out with your girlfriends. “I was so worried, I had to sext – err, text – Becky to make sure you were okay!”
15. He doesn’t try to act hard and pretend he doesn’t have feelings when he’s around you. Mature adults shouldn’t be afraid to say things like, “I like you,” or, “I think you’re really cool.”
“I think you’re really cool.” Mature adults don’t say that. I mean, I say it, but I have the emotional IQ of the average 8th grader, so I’m not a good litmus test.
16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss went.
“How’d the meeting go?”
“Good, thanks. I think we’ve got a really good plan-”
17. He doesn’t rush you out the door when you’re trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn’t shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That’s rude.
I fell asleep reading this one. Three times.
18. When he screws up, he’s quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half.
The general rule is to let someone stew for 2-3 days, max. Duh…. Typically over the Call of Duty Double XP weekend.
19. And when you screw up, he doesn’t hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd.
But now I want to know what Todd did to this writer to make his name come up. I bet he started rumors about her after she wouldn’t let him do any under-the-shirt-over-the-bra stuff at the Sadie Hawkin’s dance.
20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a prepackaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast.
“You wanted me to have outside hobbies, babe! My hobby just happens to Becky! Bendy, bendy Becky……. This is on you, really.”
Also, what the actual fuck is a “prepackaged boyfriend?” Seriously, I’m trying to figure it out…
21. When you’re hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it’s just the near future.
<cough> Butt stuff <cough>
22. He doesn’t immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend’s backyard.
I bet it was Fucking Todd again. Take the hint, Todd!
23. He sends a ”Hey, I had a lot of fun” text after hanging out with you.
Bonus points if he wrote “Hey, I had a lot of fun” on his dick and sent you a pic. How romantic is that?
(Update: According to my wife just now, not very romantic. Sidenote, anyone know how to get Sharpie off of your….um…..person?)
24. He’s clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in ”Is he a hookup or a boyfriend?” limbo for forever.
His intentions remain getting you and Becky to agree to a threeway. Men really aren’t that hard to understand.
25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes.
You do know that getting “excited about showing you things he likes” means you’re about to watch his porn collection, right? Some he stars in, some he just uses for “research purposes.” Also, probably some nudes of Becky.