I Am The Warrior

So I had this idea that it would be funny to take a song, use Google to translate it to a different language and then translate it back to English and see what we’re left with.  And I might still do that, but I got distracted (shocking, I know).  I decided to start with Scandal’s blistering rock anthem “The Warrior” because, working from memory, I recalled the lyrics being odd enough that I thought they’d make for a fun experiment.  Plus, 14-year-old me had a huge crush on Patty Smyth.  She was adorable.  But I digress.

In my research, I had to watch the video from 1984, and holy cow!  What a incredible journey!  I highly recommend you watch it.

In case you’re at work, or for some reason don’t want to experience three minutes and fifty-four seconds of 1980’s awesomeness*, let me walk you through it.

I was halfway through it (and quite confused) before it dawned on me that the video was about some post-apocalyptic Thunderdome-style fight.  Well, “fight” is a bit strong.  Our hero (I guess?), a poor-man’s Wolverine sans bitchin’ sideburns, must battle four, what appear to be, cargo net monsters who terrorize him by leaping around him in a circle until a court jester/bicycle messenger does two flips in his vicinity and decides he has had enough.  Then for some reason he’s dancing with some boa-ensconced, LSD version of a ballerina, their 12-second dance somehow resulting in her death.  After her untimely demise, Wolverine is jostled gently by two bright-blue scarf nymphs who walk past him slowly.  Frightening stuff.  He is then  flummoxed by a trio of dumpster-dwelling, pasty-fleshed bat people who are ultimately ousted by a pair of blue-suited twine demons, as is usually the case.  Wolverine  dispatches with them via his menacing good looks (a problem I know all to well).  At this point, the lovely and talented Ms. Smyth joins the fray having thus far been…narrating, I guess?  The final battle ensues, and like all good battles, devolves quickly into dancing which leads to Wolverine conceding (you’re not gonna win a dance-battle against Patty Smyth, everyone knows that) and then contentedly standing back to watch Patty sing (I get you, Wolverine.  I get you).  Until the trust fall, of course.  Wait….what?

In short, it’s delightful.  And I’ll probably watch it several more times today.

*”Three minutes and fifty-four seconds of 1980’s awesomeness” is also how I still refer to losing my virginity.  True story.

Sidenote: The video to Scandal’s “Goodbye To You” is also awesome, but only because it consists entirely of 4 minutes of the band completely encapsulating the 80’s in someone’s rec room.  I guess the budget for “The Warrior” broke the bank, what with having to rent that warehouse and everything.