How much I love you. I spent 90 minutes in the public library shuffling through old copies of Cosmo for you. No, I’m sure that didn’t look creepy at all – a 43-year-old man reading Cosmo sex articles in the library and taking notes. Nothing to see here, Your Honor.
(Sidebar: Recently, @menshumor tweeted that they thought Cosmo was intentionally giving women horrible sex advice so they would stay single and keep buying Cosmo. There may be something to that.)
So by now you can probably guess what this one’s about. To be fair, I have tried (and continue to try) to find men’s magazines with the same shitty sex advice, but I haven’t found one. If you find one, let me know and I’ll be happy to tackle it. The problem is men’s magazines are all about either sports, cars or technology. The one’s that are about sex, aren’t about helping you have better sex. They’re about the fact that you’ve given up on finding a woman who will let you do stuff to her and what you need now simply is masturbation fodder.
This time, I’ll look at Cosmo from August of 2012, a piece on “Sex Tips Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.” <sigh> Yeah, because taking tips from a book that started out as fan fiction on a “Twilight” website is ALWAYS gonna work out. Whatever. It’s in two sections: “Dominate Him!” (exclamation point is not mine, I can assure you) and “Let Him Take Control.” (Hmmm, no exclamation point?)
Here are some goodies from “Dominate Him!”:
6. “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin) into different parts of his body – his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.” See, I’m just gonna think you’re hungry. And crazy. And if I start thinking you’re crazy, I’m only gonna have sex with you like 30 or 40 more times. (Because crazy chicks are awesome in the sack, you see. ‘Til they get all stabby. And from fork to knife isn’t far to travel.)
8. “Tell him that he’s your slave for the evening, and if he does whatever you want, his reward is sex that is all about him.” Two things here: 1) Cosmo clearly does not understand the concept of the sex slave, and 2) Doing what a woman tells you to do all day just so you can have sex isn’t really all that special for us. *rim shot*
9. “In your meanest schoolteacher voice, tell him to stand in a corner facing the wall and not to move. After a few minutes, demand that he get into bed and ravage you.” Um, if my wife yelled at me like that, my response wouldn’t be to get an erection, it would be, “Have you lost your goddamned mind?” Then I’d get a beer.
11. “Swivel a small ice cube over his frenulum (Note: they do not specify, but I am going to assume they mean the one on the penis, and not the one under the tongue, however, this IS Cosmo, so who the fuck knows) again and again until it completely melts. While his skin is still wet, blow hot breath on it (breathe out through an open mouth).” Okay, this one actually sounds intriguing, but I’m including because they felt it necessary to include instructions on how to blow hot air. Ladies, if you haven’t mastered blowing warm air out of your mouth, then the old “ice the frenulum” trick is a bit out of your skill set.
15. “Tie his silk tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky hand job.” See, now I’m convinced that Cosmo is run by penis-hating lesbians. Every article they have ends up with tying a penis up. Besides, silk ties are fucking expensive. You know whats not expensive? Lube. Try lube.
25. “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive.” What? Yes, I’m dripping wet, standing on a wet surface, by all means, smack me with a brush and make me jump. Then read next month’s Cosmo for tips on giving a sexy sponge bath to your newly paraplegic boyfriend.
These next few came from the “Let Him Take Control” section. Also, the fact that you think telling him what to do is letting him take control might explain why you’re still single. But I digress.
3. “Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, ‘Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and I need a spanking.'” Sweet merciful baby Jesus. “Professor Wankerton?” Words cannot describe the stupidity.
10. “Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it – the muted sensation feels amazeballs.” Hey, if you think this is gonna float your boat then by all means, go for it. But, as a general rule, don’t take any advice from someone who uses the word “amazeballs.”
11. “Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour. Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with the coins (outside only!). The cold against the heat? Incredible.” I’m gonna add this: Make sure you use Canadian coins. You stick something to a woman’s vulva, she’s gonna claim it as it hers. No need to be out two bucks.
15. “Get him to wrap your wrists in toilet paper for a lighter restraint. While you are bound, he should tease you to the point where you’re so turned on, you have to rip free of your shackles.” And when you break free, scream “HULK COME!”
20. “Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes midforeplay. He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm.” Yeah, that’s gonna be YOUR fucking toothbrush.
I’ll say this, even though the article was chock full of hilarity, kudos to you if you’re the guy dating this girl. She seems fun.
Cosmo has a question and answer series by their “sex expert” (not the same person who the article above). Well, their sex expert is “the author of several books, including ‘Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.'” I repeat, “Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.” That’s the name. Of her book. About dirty talk. I can only assume that in this book she replaces “Fuck me hard!” with “Your Tumescent Member: How Thrusting It Into Me Expeditiously and with Increased Vigor Would Be Rather Scintillating.”