Look, most songs suck, lyrically speaking. They’re just bad. This suckiness leads to me jotting down notes in the hopes that it will lead to a blog post, then I go back and look into it further, and there’s just not enough there for a full post, so I skip it. But now, I’m looking through my notes and I see tons of tidbits about song lyrics and I don’t want to just toss them out. So I’m dumping them all in one post. Some of them are even funny.
The big one I wanted to do was a “brutally honest” version of Boys 2 Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You” because they recorded the song when they barely 20, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s the 20-year-old boys are incapable of treating sex like they purport to in the song. I was going to go with something like “I’ll have awkward but possibly adequate sex with you, if you’ll let me. Please, please let me.” It’s possible I’m not a great a songwriter.
I also wanted to make fun of a religious song called “He Chose Me” because it was a bad song. But the lyrics didn’t really give me enough to work on. However, the search did lead me find the website www.namethathymn.com. Yeah. It has a searchable lyrics forum. For hymns. Hymns.
Then there’s a note that says – “Honest Songs” followed by “Nickelback” and then “Come On Eileen.” I don’t know what to do with that.
Now let’s talk about lyrics.
Prince got me with these words: “Electric word called life, it means forever” when later he says “there’s something else, it’s called the afterlife.” <*raises hand*> Um, you’re purpleness? If life means forever (it doesn’t, btw), what is the afterlife?
I don’t often listen to the Ozzy Osborne/Lita Ford duet “Close My Eyes Forever” but that’s only because it’s not a very good song. When I do, however, I snicker uncontrollably as Ozzy sings, “I’ve got Heaven in the palm of my hand and it’s waiting here for you” because I always imagine he’s holding his penis. And that’s funny. Because I’m 12 you see.
I like the line in the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” where they sing, “If you wannabe be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Because I think of a girl saying that to a guy, who then looks over at her friends and starts believing he has to have sex with them first. And I can only assume he’d be okay with that.
I have a note that wonders what it would look like if the song “Footloose” were actually a sermon from Jesus. Do what you want with that. I’ve known I was going to Hell since third grade.
I like to think of Hall and Oates’ diddy “Maneater” as a light-hearted precautionary tale about a female vampire.
In U2’s “Mysterious Ways,” Bono sings, “On your knees, boy.”
In “Never Say Goodbye,” Jon Bon Jovi quips, “You lost more than that it my backseat” and I always think, “What? Her car keys? Her retainer?” And then I giggle because I’m pretty sure he means her virginity. Oh, Jon, you scamp!
I am absolutely sure (but way too lazy to test it) that if you take Amy Grant’s “Baby Baby” and replace “Baby” with “Jesus” (ala The Simpson’s) you’ll get a groovy little gospel song. I am also equally positive that somewhere, Amy Grant is doing just that. I guess I could Google it to find out if she’s back to doing strictly Christian music, but if I fear if typed “Amy Grant” into MY Google search bar, the ensuing algorithm loop would destroy their servers.
I also have a list that is just telling me to look at the lyrics for the following songs:
- “Informer” by Snow
- “Poison” by Bel Biv Devoe
- “Fireflies” by Owl City
- “St. Elmo’s Fire” by John Parr
- “Jungle Love” by Morris Day
What I don’t know from that list, is why past me was so pissed at future me.