Song Crap

Look, most songs suck, lyrically speaking.  They’re just bad.  This suckiness leads to me jotting down notes in the hopes that it will lead to a blog post, then I go back and look into it further, and there’s just not enough there for a full post, so I skip it.  But now, I’m looking through my notes and I see tons of tidbits about song lyrics and I don’t want to just toss them out.  So I’m dumping them all in one post.  Some of them are even funny.

The big one I wanted to do was a “brutally honest” version of Boys 2 Men’s “I’ll Make Love To You” because they recorded the song when they barely 20, and if there’s one thing I know, it’s the 20-year-old boys are incapable of treating sex like they purport to in the song.  I was going to go with something like “I’ll have awkward but possibly adequate sex with you, if you’ll let me.  Please, please let me.”  It’s possible I’m not a great a songwriter.

I also wanted to make fun of a religious song called “He Chose Me” because it was a bad song.  But the lyrics didn’t really give me enough to work on.  However, the search did lead me find the website  Yeah.  It has a searchable lyrics forum.  For hymns.  Hymns.

Then there’s a note that says – “Honest Songs” followed by “Nickelback” and then “Come On Eileen.”  I don’t know what to do with that.

Now let’s talk about lyrics.

Prince got me with these words: “Electric word called life, it means forever” when later he says “there’s something else, it’s called the afterlife.”  <*raises hand*>  Um, you’re purpleness?  If life means forever (it doesn’t, btw), what is the afterlife?

I don’t often listen to the Ozzy Osborne/Lita Ford duet “Close My Eyes Forever” but that’s only because it’s not a very good song.  When I do, however, I snicker uncontrollably as Ozzy sings, “I’ve got Heaven in the palm of my hand and it’s waiting here for you” because I always imagine he’s holding his penis.  And that’s funny.  Because I’m 12 you see.

I like the line in the Spice Girls’ “Wannabe” where they sing, “If you wannabe be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.”  Because I think of a girl saying that to a guy, who then looks over at her friends and starts believing he has to have sex with them first.  And I can only assume he’d be okay with that.

I have a note that wonders what it would look like if the song “Footloose” were actually a sermon from Jesus.  Do what you want with that.  I’ve known I was going to Hell since third grade.

I like to think of Hall and Oates’ diddy “Maneater” as a light-hearted precautionary tale about a female vampire.

In U2’s “Mysterious Ways,” Bono sings, “On your knees, boy.”

In “Never Say Goodbye,” Jon Bon Jovi quips, “You lost more than that it my backseat” and I always think, “What?  Her car keys?  Her retainer?”  And then I giggle because I’m pretty sure he means her virginity.  Oh, Jon, you scamp!

I am absolutely sure (but way too lazy to test it) that if you take Amy Grant’s “Baby Baby” and replace “Baby” with “Jesus” (ala The Simpson’s) you’ll get a groovy little gospel song.  I am also equally positive that somewhere, Amy Grant is doing just that.  I guess I could Google it to find out if she’s back to doing strictly Christian music, but if I fear if typed “Amy Grant” into MY Google search bar, the ensuing algorithm loop would destroy their servers.

I also have a list that is just telling me to look at the lyrics for the following songs:

  • “Informer” by Snow
  • “Poison” by Bel Biv Devoe
  • “Fireflies” by Owl City
  • “St. Elmo’s Fire” by John Parr
  • “Jungle Love” by Morris Day

What I don’t know from that list, is why past me was so pissed at future me.




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