Let me be upfront, if you’re someone who thinks Christmas music is anything but horrible, this might not be the place for you. Because it…is…horrible. Every year, right around Thanksgiving, three local stations begin devoting all the air time to Christmas music, which is three too many. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-Christmas. Just anti-Christmas music. And it’s not part of some larger “Christmas has be come TOO commercial tirade.” I’m way too much of a heathen to concern myself with the commercialization of Christmas. It’s just that, at it’s core, if you ignore the subject matter and just take the music itself into the equation, Christmas music sucks. Hard. It always reminds of when Homer Simpson was watching the Christian rock band and he screamed, “Stop! You’re not making Christian music better, you’re just making rock music worse!”
Part of the problem is that, despite the fact that musicians have had over 2000 years to write music about this holiday, there are, based on listening to the radio, only 31 different songs about Christmas. That works out to the whole of the human race writing one song approximately every 64 and a half years. To put that into perspective, Nickelback alone has written 84 songs in just 18 years. Nickelback! The entire world has written fewer songs about Christmas than Nickelback has written about….I don’t really know….being Canadian? Although to be fair, both Nickelback and 2000 years worth of Christmas musicians have written precisely zero songs that don’t suck. So, yay?
So when I decided to make a list of “My Top 5 Favorite Christmas Songs,” I realized pretty quickly that it would be like making a list of “My Top 5 Favorite STDs.” (If you’re interested, they are: 5. Chlamydia 4. Gonorrhea 3. A Stage 6 Clinger 2. Syphilis 1. Crabs.) (Sidenote, as of right now, my last 4 Google searches are: “Nickelback,” “Chlamydia,” “Gonorrhea,” and “Syphilis.” Haha, take that Google Analytics!) It was then that I decided to do “My Top 5 Least Objectionable Christmas Songs” but then I started thinking about it and had to go with:
“My Top 4 Least Objectionable Christmas Songs.”
4. Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt
Why does it make the list? Because Eartha Kitt, dammit!! Or should I use her whole name – Eartha Mother Fuckin’ Kitt! If you disagree that she was absolutely incredible, then you are a puppy-kicking fuck-wit and I will stab you in the spleen. How dare you!
3. Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley
If I have to explain to you why Elvis Presley makes the list, then maybe you should just go hang out with the Eartha Kitt-hating jack wads from above. Because I hate you. Because you suck.
2. Date Rape Christmas by Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting
Okay, so after some research the name of this song might actually be “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Whatever, as soon as she gets to “Say, what’s in this drink?” all bets are off the table. Just look at that screen grab! “The answer is no.” This is hands down the creepiest song I think I’ve ever heard (and I own a Nick Cave album). Instead of playing at Christmas, they should play it in 6th grade health class when they split up the boys and girls for “the Talk” and use it as a cautionary tale so Becky Sue doesn’t get roofied her first weekend at college.
1. All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey
Sweet damn, that was hard to admit. I can’t explain it. I don’t actually like the song, but if I’m at your holiday party and you put this song on, I will most likely not upper deck your toilet in protest. And yes, Mariah, feel free to use that blurb if you ever decide to re-release this song. I fully expect that my friends and family will make merciless fun of me, and I would also expect my inbox (hee-hee, “inbox”) to be flooded with emails containing this song that auto-plays when opened, except I know that none of them know how to do that.
Anyway, Merry Christmas, bitches!