I am typing this from my couch, about to press play on a recording of “The Ten Commandments: The Musical.” Re-read that sentence all you want, it’s still going to be ridiculous. I’m going to let my reactions flow straight onto the screen. The movie stars Val Kilmer as Moses. I intend to watch this under the impression that Val Kilmer is playing Jim Morrison playing Moses. It also has Adam Lambert in it. I don’t care for him one little bit. It is possible that will cloud my judgement. I don’t care.
Here we go…
Two hours? Uh-oh.
I think the Pharaoh is being played by the guy that played the Iraqi dude in “Lost” but I’m way too lazy to look it up.
The drowning of the Egyptians in the Red Sea is being conveyed by what appears to be cutting room floor clips of waves from “Blue Crush.” And crappy acting.
Moses’ pre-wandering in the desert speech is not very Braveheart. Just sayin’.
At least the writing is crappy…
Uh-oh, that Jew is feeling stabby.
Wait, is that dude hitting on Moses’ sister?
How come only one of them has a British accent?
No singing yet. What the fuck?
Yay! They found an oasis! Oops, the water is no good. That can’t be good.
Phew. God cleaned the water. Close one, God.
Um, so how did no one notice the murder of that family three feet away.
Oh, apparently they had wandered off earlier. Might should have showed that.
Still no singing. 25 minutes in.
And we’re on the move again. Action-packed stuff, this. I’m beginning to think they are gonna show all 40 years.
Ahh, so God leaves rings of breadcrumbs in the desert whenever they need food, and causes springs of fresh water to burst forth when they are thirsty. He should really still be doing that for people, don’t ya think?
Aww snap, Moses just dropped a zinger about the Jews being lazy! Classic Moses!!
Looks like Moses just invented Krav Maga. Cool.
Haha, that guy is stoned.
Stoned guy is Adam Lambert. Yep, still hate him.
Oh hell yes, Moses is roughing Adam Lambert up!
That one Jew is still feeling stabby. Ruh-roh!
Why the fuck is Lambert speaking with a half-assed British accent?
About to attack the Malachites. Pre-war speech about as rousing as the pre-wander aimlessly speech.
Yep. I think that dude is sweet on Moses’ sister.
Attacking the Malachites.
Soooo, Moses, you just gonna stand at the back and hold your staff the hold time? (giggle)
Now his brother is helping him hold his staff.
Apparently the sight of two men grasping Moses’ staff really gets the Jews worked up!
My Kilmer as Morrison as Moses model is working out pretty well.
Seems to me that either Rodgers or Hammerstein would’ve found a way to work a song into that battle scene, but whatever.
Aww…yeah…sexy time with Moses’ sister!
She does not seem impressed.
Oops, appears they are married to other people.
Here comes Moses’ wife, Zipporah.
Well, Zipporah is easy on the old peepers. Moses is pulling some quality talent there.
55 minutes and not a single fucking song. What up?
Moses’ dad looks like a cross between my grandfather and Earnest Borgnine.
Wait, this is from 2006? How did I not know this?
Why did Moses’ dad just pull a knife on him?
Wow, the kid playing Moses’ son is one shitty actor.
Oops, Zipporah is pissed.
And now she’s leaving. Where the fuck did she come from? How did she find Moses in the middle of the fucking the desert? Nice caboose, though. I’m assuming. She’s wearing like nine sheets wrapped around her.
Moses just tore off his shirt. He’s a lot more ripped than I would have suspected.
Fuck, this movie is 74% walking montages.
Haha, Jews are arguing about money. Stereotypes are funny.
Uh-oh, Moses’ sister just got caught knocking boots by her husband. Who is now being drowned. Luckily, she’s doing fuck-all to stop it.
Flashback to Moses as a boy. That old guy is the whitest Egyptian I ever seen. He’s very nearly the whitest person I’ve ever seen.
Holy shit this movie is the suck.
Some little kid just found Moses’ sister’s husband’s body. That they apparently dragged halfway up a rocky mountain.
Moses’ sister is horrible at fake crying.
Wait, maybe that’s not Moses’ sister. Who the fuck is whom in this movie?
Where the fuck is the musical part of this shitshow?
Aaaaaaand, they’re dead!
Damn, Moses cries a lot in this movie.
More fucking walking.
Looks like Moses is about to get the Ten Commandments. And without song. Yeesh.
Stabby Jew is stirring up trouble!
That was a pretty lame party.
Well, Moses is pissed.
I’m not sure I have seen anything funnier than Adam Lambert standing with clinched fists trying to look intimidating. So cute!
Time for some hot Jew-on-Jew action!!
In that Jews are fighting each other and they’re in the desert.
Moses still sucks at giving rousing speeches. He could take a lesson from Ric Flair, throw in the occasional “Woooo!”
Ten Commandments, Round 2. Since Moses threw the first ones.
Oh wow, they are using flashbacks to demonstrate the commandments as Moses’ calls them out. Powerful, powerful stuff.
And we’re walking again.
Shenanigans! Shenanigans! That was NOT a fucking musical.
Holy crap was that bad. Not even bad enough to be funny.
Two thumbs down.