I decided to take a break from pervin’ on old copies of Cosmo at the library and take a look at their online version. (A note to the denizens of the library, I will be back and your disdainful glances will still have no effect on me. I spent 13 years in Catholic school, so I can assure you I am immune to disdainful glances.) The online version is pretty lame, quite frankly, but the section titled “Sex Tips and Tricks from Guys” seemed promising. Okay, brothers, here’s our chance to tell millions of women what we really like in bed. And go!
“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping.” –Nick, 30
Really? Maybe I being too pragmatic here, but I already don’t like sleeping in the wet spot, and now you’re gonna let a cold-ass, dripping wet shirt soak through the mattress pad. No thanks.
“This chick leaned against the dresser and stuck her butt out for doggie-style. I definitely obliged.” –Glenn, 23
You obliged? Stop patting yourself on the back there, Glenn. You didn’t save a village from systematic genocide, you banged your girlfriend from behind. Bravo.
“Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.” –Ty, 21
No shit, Ty. Did you come up with that all by your lonesome?
“Your guys will always want to go shopping with you if you let him into the dressing room as you try on clothes—especially lingerie.” –Nathan, 21
Oh, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan. Poor, naive Nathan. You are not getting sexy time by watching your girlfriend try on clothes. She’ll be convinced that all of them make her look fat, you’ll try to argue, you’ll fail. There will be tears. From both of you.
“The night after I got a big promotion my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”—Ken, 32
Wait, guys like oral sex? Why, I had no idea. Seriously ladies, if this surprising news to you, you aren’t ready for any actual sex tips.
“Wear silk gloves or a cashmere scarf and rub them against sensitive regions like my treasure trail.” –Louis, 24
“Treasue trail?” Louis, what are you 15? Just stop.
“News flash: Guys have nipples too, and they’re a lot more sensitive than you’d think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands tease my package.” –Rory, 21
Rory. First of all, sorry about your name. That’s too bad. And there was something else…hmmm…what was it again? Oh yeah. Did you say package?
Don’t say package.
“My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately.” –Ron, 25
I’m gonna channel my inner Mr. Mackey here, Ron. “Date rape is bad, mm-kay?”
“There’s this groove on the back of my neck above my spine. Suck on it during a make-out session—I’ll be hard ASAP.” –Paco, 29
Where to begin, Paco? Where. To. Begin. First, your neck is part of your spine, so…yeah… Secondly, if you’re making out with a girl, how the hell is she supposed to suck on the back your head? Unless maybe…
“Do what my first girl did: Moan my name while I pleasure you.” –Eddie, 28
Why do I want my girl to moan your name, Eddie?
“My lady likes to lie facedown on the bed, with her legs straight and her arms at her sides. To enter her, I have to push past her legs and cheeks. The resistance is really hot.” —Lyle, 21
Lyle. Your lady is asleep. Also, Mr. Mackey, again.
Not perfect, but pretty close.
“When you’re near the point of no return, whisper four-letter words into my ears—the really dirty ones.” –Fred, 23
Poop? Work? Taxes? No wait, that’s five letters. What words do you mean, Fred?!
“During Missionary, place your hands on your man’s shoulders and push against him. He’ll have to struggle to thrust upward, which means he’s working harder for his pleasure—always a turn on.” –Thomas, 22
Jeez, how date-rapey is the male readership of Cosmo? (Myself excluded, of course.)
“After climax, a guy’s head can feel overheated and tingly. If you gently pull his hair and massage his scalp, it will quickly relax him.”—Chris, 29
I…see, the thing is…what Chris means is…what the fuck do you mean, Chris? You somehow need a way to relax after orgasm? I don’t think you’re doing it right, partner.
“Flick just the tip of my penis under your tongue. Do it over and over. It would take hours for me to climax this way, but man, what a way to pass the time!” –Keith, 22
Because if there’s one thing women want to know, it’s how to make blow job take even longer.
“I love when my girl touches my package like she’s never seen it before. She’s not innocent, but it’s a lot of fun pretending.” –Patrick, 23
Again with package? Come on, guys! But Patrick’s right, there’s nothing more exhilarating than being with a woman who has no idea what to do with a penis.
Also, nice dig implying your girlfriend’s been around the block. I’m sure that didn’t backfire on you at all.
Not a terribly applicable gif, but it makes me giggle.
“Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.” Jamie, 30
Uh, Jaime. Maybe throw out that they might want to use lube for this.
“My girl would use marbles to tease me with in bed. She’d casually scatter them over the bed sheet and then as we get it on, I could feel the cool marbles press against my hot skin. It’s a wicked sensation.” –Greg, 21
Not with my sciatica, Greg. Not with my sciatica.
“One night, my girlfriend stopped the action and pointed to the camera she’d set up in the corner.” –Justin, 21
“Then, she told me she was only 15. And a guy. It’s costing me $300 a month to keep the tape under wraps.” Justin, probably.
Oh well, better luck next time, Cosmo.