Me making fun of Cosmo’s sex advice is kinda like running back to your ex. Except this is WAY easier and I don’t regret it all. I’ve said before that recently their sex advice has been so uninspired, so unimaginative (read also: so unhelpful) that it’s not worth making fun most of the time, so I have to wait 5 or 6 months to stumble upon a good one. They came through (finally) in the October 2014 issue. (Sidenote, they’ve stared doing this crap where they scatter sex advice throughout the whole issue, meaning I have to flip every single page to track it down. I can only assume this is a direct attack on me. And it’s pretty effective. I already feel pervy enough flipping through 8 issues at the library, now I’ve got to go through them one page at a time. Not cool, Cosmo. There’s no reason to punish me, I didn’t make your sex advice crappy.)
This column was entitled “10 Fun Freaky Sex Moves.” I’ll take on 7 of these, the rest being so blah, I imagine most 8th graders are already bored by those moves.
Here we go:
Light as a feather, stiff as a D – “Lie on your back while your partner caresses your breasts with a feather moving closer to your cave of wonders.” Cave. Of. Wonders. Not vulva or vagina or clitoris. Cave of wonders. Hell, I’d have overlooked “naughty bits” or even “lady parts.” (Okay, probably not “lady parts.”) HOMEWORK: I want each of you to insert (hee-hee) your own “spelunking” joke here. She continues, “Try to be still while he ravishes you like a Cronut after the gym.” A Cronut after the gym? Also, is it me, or does a feather seem like the absolute least effective tool to use if your goal is “ravish” someone. Tickle? Sure. Annoy? Most likely. Cause an infection because you failed to clean it before placing it near the cave of wonders? Probably.
Rated X – “Sitting in the back with your Partner in Grind…” Ugh. Partner in Grind. Get it? Because sex can sometimes look like two people GRINDing on each other? Huh? Two PARTNERs, GRINDing on each other? PARTNER. IN. GRIND. I can just see the author doing the comedy equivalent of jazz hands when she busted this gem out at girls’ night. Look, I fucking love bad puns. Seriously, I think they are the pinnacle of comedic genius, and I’m not just saying that because that’s the only type of pun I can ever come up with. BUT, don’t capitalize it like that. We get it, I promise. It wasn’t that subtle.
Dirty Pictures – “Ain’t no shame in your naughty-costume game.” Okay, I have to admit something here. I did research, so help me baby Jesus, research, on Cosmo for this one, and the majority of their readership is under 35. The album, “Ain’t No Shame In My Game” came out in 1990. Meaning most of the women reading this were less than ten years old when this reference was a thing. Also, while their demographics failed to break down readership by race, I think we can all agree Cosmo is the whitest magazine since “Horse and Pony News.” (It’s real, I shit you not.) Call me cynical, but I doubt many future Cosmo readers were screaming “That’s my jam, bitch!” when Candyman’s “Knockin’ Boots” came on in mom’s minivan on the way home from 4H Club.
The author winds the article up with “…your man will be harder than Vin Diesel’s thighs.” Look, I already gave you “like a Cronut after the gym.” But that’s enough. I get the feeling the writer had just finished a 3-day workshop on creative comparisons, and kinda missed the point.
Mind-f*ck – Because at Cosmo, we’ll tell you how to fuck, but we won’t use the word. But I digress. “Lie on the patient couch and tell the therapist (aka your lovah)…” Imma stop you there, Cosmo. Look people, if you’re so dumb, you think Cosmo is telling you to go out there and fuck your therapist, that’s on you. Also, lovah? And the italics was Cosmo, not me. Not even kidding. The only good thing about using the term “lovah” is that it reminded me of the Will Ferrell/Rachel Dratch skit on SNL forever ago. I just spent 15 minutes on YouTube trying to find it but couldn’t. Sorry. It’s funny. They call each other “lovah” in it. <sigh>Nevermind.
Edward Scissorhands-y – “Edward Scissorhands” also came out in 1990. I think I can safely say that the author is in her early 40’s and clearly drew the short straw on writing the article, and in the end, gave her college-aged niece and friends an afternoon of free-flowing wine to get the scoop on kids these days, then mixed-it-up by adding references that she understood. Delightful. It begins: “Your lover role plays Eddie Sizz (personal note – “groan”) and you’re Winona Ryder (finally!)” Finally? What the fuck has been keeping you from pretending to be Winona Ryder? And why is that a thing that makes you so hot? And for my money, be Winona Ryder from “Beetlejuice,” duh.
Then, “Tie him up, binding his lawn-clipper claws – ahem, hands – above his head.” Oh. He doesn’t really have to have lawn-clipper claws? Whew. Thanks for clearing that up. I feared a couple of forty-somethings were gonna be half-way through this scenario, get to “lawn-clipper claws” and have absolutely no fucking clue what to do next, leading the wife to start sobbing since all she wanted was to spice it up a little and try something new while the husband tries to comfort her by saying he could run to the shed and grab the hedge trimmers but that he doesn’t have any clippers because it’s 2014 and who the fuck uses clippers anymore and GODDAMMIT I HATE YOU, COSMO!
And lastly, (Edward Scissorhands-y is an intricate move. Clear your schedule.) “Then kiss his entire body by candlelight, pausing to give him a classic 90’s inspired hand job.” What the actual fuck is a “90’s inspired hand job?” Is it when you put a tiny, sleeveless flannel shirt on his dick and pretend it’s a disaffected but angry penis from Seattle? Or is it when you give a hand job while singing the lyrics to “Yellow Ledbetter?” Because figuring out those lyrics is fucking impossible. PS: Those were jokes, Cosmo. Don’t start telling women to dress-up penises. That’s ridiculous. Unless maybe it’s a top hat or something. You know, class-up the place a bit. I think I’d look pretty good sporting a tiny top hat down there. I mean, tiny compared to a regular top hat. Not tiny for a penis top hat. I’d use a regular-sized penis top hat, I suppose. Like a size 7? Or maybe a “Venti?” I’m not really sure how penis top hat sizing works.
Vamp(ire) It Up – “Suit up in some blood-red lingerie. Brush your teeth so they’re nice and shiny.” Yep, that’s classic Vlad The Impaler, right there. The whole “vampire” thing was just a mix up. He’s wasn’t a blood-thirsty monster. He just liked to brush his teeth and wear the occasional red bustier. It just got blown way out of proportion. Thanks, Obama! Also, “Brush your teeth so they’re nice and shiny?” How does Cosmo think brushing your teeth works? I’m not gonna think, “Look at those chompers! She’s a vampire! No wait, she just brushed her teeth. It’s all good. Sorry to bother you, 911.” And lastly, “…<make> your way downtown for a Boo-J.” A Boo-J? That doesn’t make any sense. Vampires don’t say boo, they like to suck on things……..oooooohhhhh! I see what you did there.
Keep up the good work, Cosmo!
I’m being serious though. This shit is great.