Awwww……yeah, baby….

A friend’s Facebook page linked an article on “Sexual Meditation.”

An article, on Sexual Meditation.

An article?

Shit.  I wrote the book on Sexual Meditation.

OK.  Just read the article.  Turns out when she talks about “Sexual Meditation,” she’s actually not referring to sitting by yourself in a dark room watching porn.  Who knew there’d be more than one definition of Sexual Meditation?

So, let’s get to it.  Making fun of the article, that is.  Not watching porn.  <looks at calendar, pencils in time to watch porn>

The second sentence reads, “Regular sexual meditation, either alone or with your partner, can ultimately be a direct path to contact each other’s consciousness while making love.”  The consciousness isn’t what I’m looking to make contact with when I’m making love.  (To be clear, what I’m trying to make contact with starts with a “v” and rhymes with “pagina.”)

Step 1.  Choose a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Sexual meditation, like any type of meditation, achieves the best results if done regularly without any interruptions.  If Sexual Meditation means “masturbation” (and I think we can all agree it does), high school me was a Grand Poobah* of Sexual Meditation.  (Just kidding, Mom.  I was brushing my hair.)

*I was unable to find the rankings for Sexual Meditation mastery, I can only assume Grand Poobah is at the top.

Step 2. Try to meditate in the same place and at the same time each day. This isn’t strictly necessary, but over time, the routine you follow will reinforce in your mind what your intentions are and you will slip more easily into your meditative mood.  Hee-hee, “slip more easily into.”

Step 3. Aim for a 20 minute session. You can meditate for shorter periods, but 20 to 30 minutes each day is ideal.  20 minutes?!  I hope that includes the post-“meditation” snuggling and my standard round of apologies.

Step 4.  Get comfortable. It doesn’t matter if you meditate in a seated position or if you are lying down.

  • Keep your spine straight, whether you are sitting or lying down.
  • Keep your arms by your sides if you are lying down—allow just a little space between your body and your arms and allow your arms to be completely relaxed.
  • Rest your arms loosely in your lap if you meditate in a seated position.
  • Keep your chin up and your head aligned with your spine if you are seated.
  • Decide if you want to meditate with your eyes open or closed. If you decide to keep your eyes open, try not to focus on any one object in the room.

Eyes open?  What am I, German?!

Step 5. Pay attention to your breath. Begin deep, rhythmic breathing, and continue the pattern for at least 5 minutes.  Lady, if I could anything deeply or rhythmically for 5 continuous minutes, I wouldn’t be reading sexual help articles.

Step 6. Begin breathing normally. You will still pay attention to each breath, but your breathing at this point should be regular (not shallow) and rhythmic.  “Breath normally.”  Pretty sure that’s what the first girl I ever touched had to say to me to keep me from hyper-ventilating.

Step 7. Begin focusing on your partner. Concentrate on communicating your sexual thoughts to the energetic fields of your partner.

  • On the in breath, see you and your partner energetically.
  • On the out breath, communicate your desires to your partner’s energy field. These thoughts don’t have to be specific; in fact, it is more productive to simply think in general terms: “We are sexually and spiritually in harmony,” “We are compatible in all ways.”  Can it be about butt stuff?  I like butt stuff.  Please let it be about butt stuff.  I’m just gonna assume that’s okay.

Step 8. Do this meditation with your partner. Sit in the same room together, facing each other, but with eyes closed.

  • Work together to synchronize your breathing. Begin by focusing on your own breath, while your partner will focus on his/her breath. Do this for 5 minutes. When you both begin breathing regularly and rhythmically, start becoming aware of each other’s breath and you will naturally begin to synchronize your breathing patterns.  Again with the 5 minutes?!
  • Project your thoughts into each other’s energy fields. You and your partner can decide ahead of time if you want to focus on certain thoughts or particular situations, or you can each project private.   Still thinking about butt stuff.


  • Doing a sexual meditation with your partner works well if you both lie down in the traditional “spoon” position. The goal is the same as in a seated partner meditation: to focus on each other’s breathing and to project, loving, sexual thoughts into each other’s energy fields. This spoon position also allows you both to feel each other’s physical bodies and breath, and is meant to enhance your awareness of each other, both physically and energetically.  If  I can’t be the little spoon, I’m out.
  • Eventually, with regular practice, you and your partner will be able to feel and to release each other’s energetic blockages.  I’m totally using this.  I have a feeling I’ll get a much better response waking her up at 5 am if I say it’s to help release an “energetic blockage.”
  • If it’s not to distracting, doing this in the nude can make you more relaxed and make the connection stronger.  First of all, it should be “If it’s not TOO distracting.”  Secondly, if spooning naked doesn’t distract you, I’m guessing an internet article on Sexual Meditation isn’t gonna provide all the help you really need.

In ancient China, sexual meditation was taught by masters. This method of meditation is powerful and it was considered sacred. Regular sexual meditation with loving intent can lead to a profound inner spiritual experience, as well as varying degrees of enlightenment. Sexual meditation, whether done alone or with your partner, is always to be considered honorable and done with loving kindness.  Loving kindness?  What if I want some rough Sexual Meditation?  The kind with handcuffs and a guy in a clown suit who throws pies at me just before I climax?  I mean, as long as it’s done in good taste.