I had intended at some point to do a thing where I showed what it would look like if my 9th graded English teacher graded Si Mixalot’s “I Like Big Butts” as if I had turned it in for a poetry project. It’d be mostly just different ways of saying “This is INAPPROPRIATE!” I never did that.
But now, I’d like to present you with “I Like Big Butts” if it were from the Bible. Presented with the help of Daniel, from “Jessie’s Girl, The Aftermath” fame. No, not fame. Infamy? No, that’s too much. Well, whatever the opposite of fame is that’s not infamy.
Our Lord on High, Rebekah, cast thine gaze upon her buttocks. Tis grand. She doth appear as if one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.
None who walk the Earth understandeth those rap guys. They speak upon her solely because of resemblance to an unvirtuous maiden.
Her buttocks art so grand.
I stand in awe of its size perfect symmetry
Tis presented for all mankind to witness
Tis not a desiderata.
Verily, she is so Egyptian
Yea and verily, I like posteriors as big as the Jordan, and I doth not lie. You other pharisees cannot deny.
Forsooth, upon the entrance of yon maid with an itty-bitty waist and who presenteth a round thing unto thine visage, thou become sprung.
I doth want to pull up tough. Hark, thou believeth that the butt is stuffed. Deep in yon jeans she’s wearing, I am desirous and cannot help but to cast my visage upon them.
Oh, baby I doth desire to lay with thou
Hark, lay hands upon that smooth skin.
I hath lain in witness of their gyrations
I grow weary of those scribes
So apostles(amen), apostles(amen),
And whence I deliverest a sermon
I cannot avoid temptation
I am but a lowly beast
Alas, I present my sins
I desire to lay with thou
Not once, but two-fold
I speaketh not of Grecian statues
Granite be reserved for idols
I preferest them sturdy and heavily laden
The Prophet Mixalot is in peril
His pleas rise for of piece of that posterior
Disavow these maidens parading as for sale
Thou mayest retain those maidens
I shalt keepeth mine more the Hitite
I doth desire to lay with thee
I shalt not peak poorly or strike thee
Until the sun reappears in the East
Maiden hath it in plentitude
For they desire no more than to lay with thee and then return to the field
Nay! I shalt remain with thee, as I am strong of loin, and I wisheth lay my seed in thee
So maidens (amen), maidens (amen)
Doth thou desire to ride upon mine oxcart?
If thou dost, simply display thine grandeur.
Even the Romans shalt exclaim
Maiden hath back
Upon reference to the female form
Ecclesiastes hath nought to do with mine decision
Only if she’s 3 cubits tall.
Observing the ways of Mary of Magdalen
But Mary hath no oxen in your cart
Thou may take great care of thine physique, but, if it please the Lord, do not loseth that butt.
Some Pharisees wisheth to harden themselves
And preach that thine butt is not valuable
Whence they discard it
I shalt be there with most haste to recover it.
Alas, I cannot abide by this
For thine belly is like that of an urchin
And thine remaining proportions enticeful
I am of a mind to lay with thou.
Thine conceit is misplaced
Bestow upon me a disciple
Figs and grapes did miss her
And, lo, his maids were brought before me
The heretic did raise his hand to them
And I rescueth them from his bile
And thou desireth to lay with someone with great vigor
Maiden hath back
Maiden hath back
A dearth in her mid-section but she hath much back
Oh my god Becky, look at her butt
Oh, baby I wanna get with ya
I’ve seen them dancin’
I’m tired of magazines
So Fellas (yeah) Fellas(yeah)
I like’em round and big
I wanna get you home
A word to the thick soul sistas
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna —
Alot of pimps won’t like this song
But I’d rather stay and play
So ladies (yeah), Ladies (yeah)
So your girlfriend throws a Honda
So cosmo says you’re fat
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
Some knucklehead tried to dis
So ladies if the butt is round
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT and kick them nasty thoughts