In my never ending search for horrible dating and sex advice, I stumbled across Girlgetsring.com. This site, purveyor of the “Girl Gets Ring System,” is obviously a bastion of feminism and 21st century thinking, promising to show you ladies the quickest, surest route to getting your man to pop the question, I assume so you can get your ass back in the kitchen. (I keed, I keed.)
The only, and I do mean only, thing about this website that makes any sense is that it’s written by two men. Hear me out. You should all know by now that I have long mocked the “What A Man Wants In Bed” Cosmo articles that are all written by women. So at least in this case, men are writing about how to get men to propose. So…..that’s……something.
The problems start immediately. The authors are Jonathan Green whose bio includes, “As an expert at starting relationships, he has approached and spoken with over 35,000 women around the world in bars, clubs and even on the streets.” I can only assume he has one of the clickers on his belt that he uses to keep count of these over 35,000 women, most of whom probably live in the Niagara Falls area, so you wouldn’t know them. The other is TW “T DUB” Jackson. His bio says, “T Dub, Author of The Magic Of Making Up, has directly and indirectly helped over 100,000 couples in over 77 countries fix badly broken relationships.” Wow. He has indirectly helped 100,000 couples. Impressive. Also, “T Dub?” I shall now list the subjects for which you may take advice from someone named T-Dub: car stereos, car rims, the location of a “bangin’ night club,” miscellaneous other car accessories, hair gel, where to find the nearest Gold’s gym, umm…….that’s really it. Did you notice if relationships were on that list?
The website has a video you can watch, narrated by T-Dub himself. Above the video is warning that, “This video could be taken down without notice so we urge you to WATCH TO THE VERY END.” Very intense. The video is about the 3 things you mustn’t do if you want that ring.
Let’s watch, shall we?
(Author’s note: T-Dub sounds like an uninspired, mid-level corporate accountant. Just sayin’.) Side note: the “video” is just MC (I assume) T-Dub’s voice over the text he’s reading, so video is a strong word here. He’s betting I will be shocked by the secrets about men he reveals today. I’m betting he’s wrong.
Oh shit, first he’s gotta tell me a story, one that is hard for him to tell because he gets choked up. I bet it’s about a puppy who dies.
Dammit. It’s not about a puppy, but if he uses one more shitty metaphor, I may want a puppy to die just so it doesn’t have to listen to him anymore. Goddammit, I will punch this guy’s English teacher if I ever met him or her.
It’s a story (clearly made up) of him breaking up with a girlfriend. So far, he’s not the least bit choked up. Even if this guy’s relationship advice is 7 million times better than his storytelling ability, it’s still gonna be shit. Okay, so no puppy, but the girl does have a kitty, she’s not dead, but does seem saddened by the breakup.
Well, that was a shitty story. He dumped a girl, then felt like an ass, then vowed to find out why he couldn’t commit. Whoop-dee-fuck.
So, apparently, all men have mental road blocks that keep them from committing. Stop laughing, you guys, he’s helped hundreds of thousands of people. Fortunately, women can easily remove them once they know what they are. Unfortunately, most women, will never figure them out.
Ugh…he just referred to himself in the third person as “T-Dub.”
Okay, I just suffered through 15 minutes of “men are emotional morons” (a point I’m not arguing) but I think we are finally onto the tip portion. (Heehee, just the tip, please. See, emotional moron.)
The most important tip is his “Masculine Hero Avatar Principle.” (Horrible movie, btw.)
Jesus, how fucking long is this thing?
He just said “like it ain’t no thang.”
Haha. “Such a big change from one small tip.”
Still nothing on the Avatar Principle thing.
Last tip was some shit about letting him know you’re in to the real him. Whatever.
There is no slider on this video, so it’s possible there’s another 400 minutes left, meaning I’m about halfway done.
Tip #2 (or is it 3?): Ask these questions that allow him to reveal himself. Ugh. What he actual fuck?
heehee “Here comes the really big, massive tip.” If I had a nickel….
Uh oh, if we fail to understand this tip, we will forever be unable to understand men. FOREVER! Shit just got real people.
Ok. It’s that Avatar thing. It just says that men (read: people) have an image of how they see themselves and an image or how they think others see them. Here’s where T-Dub pauses and asks, “Are yo with me so far?” Uh, yeah, T-Dub. I think we got it. It’s not quantum physics.
Umm…now he’s talking about knights and castles for some damn reason.
Wait, why is he pointing out that super heroes don’t have wives?
And now some shit about how men feel destined to greatness but they don’t know it but you women (if you want a husband, and, of course you do) have to understand their destiny better than they do even though they don’t even know it themselves. Or some such shit. I don’t know. I may have nodded off.
He just said, “Whew! That was a lot to cover!” Was it T-Dub? Was it?
hahahaha (I am going back and editing, and I have no idea why I wrote this here. I didn’t leave myself any notes on this. Probably just T-Dub being T-Dub.)
Now you have 2 choices: Take this info and go it alone, and you may have some success if you “took some really careful notes.” Or, there’s “The Savvy Choice.” (Sidenote, I think I’m gonna start referring to blow jobs as “The Savvy Choice.” I don’t know why.) Shockingly, the “Savvy Choice” involves giving T-Dub money.
Egad, the system includes how to inoculate your man from “whores, trollops, and skanks.” That’s good, I know I am not up to date on my whore booster, and the last trollop vaccine I got was for last year’s strain and isn’t doing me any good. As for me, my crippling fear of STDs is the only skank inoculation I need.
It’s only $97! But wait, there’s more!
A book on the mistakes women make when online dating (a $37 value!).
A book on how to correct relationship mistakes (a $27 value!)
And a 90-minute cd on long distance relationships (a $47 value!).
I think there’s a deal coming for having sat through this shit-show of a video, but first, I have to hear about how he set his inspiring goal of helping a million women find the relationship they DESERVE!
The cause is called the MILLION MARRIAGE MISSION! I think T-Dub may be a marketing genius.
He’s lowering the cost because he doesn’t want “finances” to stop anyone. I don’t think T-Dub understands how quotes work.
So today, it’s not $217, not even half of that, not even $67…Holy Shit! Just $47 dollars! For hours worth of vague, yet utterly useless, dating advice. That’s a fucking deal.
WHAT?! A 60-day money back guarantee? I’d be a fool not to buy this!
OH. MY. GOD. T-Dub is throwing in another item if I purchase before the video ends. It’s like he doesn’t even want to make money.
Umm…if I buy it I am just minutes away from their Support Staff who can answer any questions I have. Here’s how that has to go:
Lonely lady: “Um, yeah, T-Tub?”
T-Dub: “Dat’s right.”
Lonely lady: “Yeah, listen, I’m dating this great guy and I’ve used your system and everything’s awesome, but he says we can’t get married until we try anal. What should I do?”
T-Dub: “Ya gotta be down for butt stuff, baby.”
T-Dub is always down for butt stuff.
The website also has a few “articles” on it, all of which are about useful as the video. I highly recommend you don’t bother.
On the off chance you came here for actual advice, well, then, I think we’ve already established why you’re painfully single, but if you must know, the secret “tips” in the video boil down to:
Be at least a little into spanking.
It’s possible I made one of those up.