I was scouring the internet looking for stuff to make fun of, and I asked myself, “Where do I find judgmental, I-know-more-than-you assholes who like to tell people what to do?”
And then it hit me…
A few Google searches later, I stumbled on a Christian sex advice blog. Could this be what I was looking for? You’re damn right. As you read this entry, keep in mind that all of this sex advice is aimed at married adults, because, you know, no sex until marriage is kind of their thing.
On the front page of the blog is an entry (tee-hee, entry) on what to get your husband for Christmas for your “marriage bed.” Ideas included here are: a canopy, wall art (hers is a scripture quote, because nothing says “ride me, cowboy” like the Paul’s letter to the Phoenicians), socks (wtf?), lingerie (ok), and games. Games? Now we’re onto something. Her example is a Spin The Bottle game, where each space on the wheel is a different act. Maybe I was wrong about these Christian sex fiends, maybe they’ve got it going on. Let’s see what’s written on these spaces, shall we? Hmm…”butt squeeze.” Okay, bit of a slow start. How about, “Kiss on the cheek?” What? Maybe the next spin you’ll score with “Hold hands.” Hold hands? Why, Marjorie, you little strumpet!! But don’t forget “Words of affirmation.” Words. Of. Affirmation. Look, ladies, the only “words of affirmation” your man wants to hear in the bedroom are, “I’m cool with butt stuff” or “I believe you remember Lexie, from yoga class?”
Let’s move on.
Here’s one called Oral Sex: How To. Let’s dive into this. (pun intended)
She writes here that some people (satanists, no doubt) have gotten oral sex tips from watching porn. Not her, though. “Here’s the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don’t need to try it to know I don’t need to try it.”
Porn = heroin.
I suppose then that the sports bra-clad mannequin at Dick’s Sporting Goods is marijuana. Which makes yoga pants mushrooms. Bikini watching at the pool would be….Valium? Strip clubs are clearly cocaine, and the entire country of Thailand is crystal meth.
She goes out on a limb with her next sentence, “The point is, some husbands would like their wives to “go down” on them.” Yeah, maybe one or two.
Then we get into the meat (I am killing it today with the entendres!) of the article, the “How-To.”
“Do you really blow?” This is an article for married women. Married, meaning, presumably, not 13.
“How much of his penis do I put in my mouth?” “You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband’s penis (see below).” Hahahaha – “see below.”
“What do I do with my mouth?” “We’ve established that you don’t blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation.” Can be?
“Should I spit or swallow?” I suppose I should really resist the urge to make a “What would Jesus do?” joke here. But she goes on to say, “If you don’t want to swallow, be polite about spitting.” Yeah, I mean, a little decorum wouldn’t kill you, ladies.
“”What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don’t like it? Will I have to do it again?” “There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it.” I repeat, “Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it.” Umm, I’m gonna need you to cite your sources on this one. Later she suggests, “Perhaps you don’t want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.” Appropriate sex toy. Appropriate. How did that go?
Wife: “How about adding a toy to our marriage bed?”
Husbands runs off and returns a moment later with a toy.
Wife: “That’s Buzz Lightyear.”
Husband runs off again.
Wife: “That’s a vegetable steamer.”
Runs off once more.
Wife: “That’s my Nana’s trophy for taking third place in the Tri-County Ping Pong Tournament, 1957.”
Husband: “I read this thing on the internet that said anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”
Wife: “When were you on the internet?!”
Wife: “Go burn the laptop.”
Husband: “We could just do system restore, that would get rid of any-“
Wife: “BURN IT!”
In the comments section, there are WAY too many comments from men married 10 or more years, hoping that his article will convince their wives to at least try oral sex. Look, if you want to save yourself for marriage, knock yourself out, but at least be smart enough to discuss this stuff ahead of time. Number of kids? Where should we live? Are you a vegetarian? And on a similar note, where do we stand on this whole genital licking thing? Seriously, ask. Because, it’s going to come up (on fire, I tell you!). Your husband knows about blow jobs. He’s heard people talking about them. Or even seen one. And if you’re husband says he has never seen porn, he’s a damn liar. If nothing else, some ne’er do in his neighborhood (probably that Travis from down the street), showed him something. And even if he did leave right away, there is no way he will ever forget the very nice things that buxom college girl was doing to her professor’s penis.
In the article, “How Kinky Can You Get?” appears the sentence, “I cannot find a Bible verse that says, “Thou Shalt Not . . .” to anal penetration.” Awesome. I don’t think I’m going to get very far with that argument. I mean, yes, of course, I’m gonna give it a shot. It won’t hurt. (I’ve also tried that argument, fyi.)
Last but not least, let’s see if we can “Freshen Up Your Foreplay.”
Try such fancy things as:
“Give each other body massages or a sensual massage of your private areas.” Wait, isn’t the exact definition of foreplay pretty much “a sensual massage of your private areas?” What the hell are these people doing for foreplay?
“Introduce food into your sexual play.” I mean, yeah, this sounds like fun, but every time I try to bring bacon-wrapped filets to bed, it’s all “Oww! Oww! That burns! Dammit! Get it off me!”
“Grab some props. Gather a few items with texture or temperature — like a feather, heat packs, sensory massage balls, a silk scarf, an ice cube or chilled hard-boiled egg.” All right, all right, all right. This is some good shit here…wait…a hard-boiled egg?
“Grab a Nerf gun. It’s a good motto for life really: If all else fails, grab a Nerf gun and see how that can improve your mood. Actually. load that baby up with water and squirt away at each other.” Everything else aside, you can’t load a Nerf gun with water. Come on, lady! Get your head out of your ass here!
“Get Spiritual. Have you ever brought God into the bedroom in a big way?” Look, lady, I’ve been asking for a threeway for nineteen fucking years. It’s just not that easy. Side note, if you bring God into the bedroom, is it still considered a “devil’s threesome?”