Estately recently tracked the most popular Valentine’s Day Google searches for each state in the union, and I thought, hey you know what’s fun? Judging large groups of people by their aggregate browser history.
ALABAMA: Lord Byron (poetry) – Come on Alabama, who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? Lord Byron? This has to be the greatest, large-scale prank ever played. In which case, well-played, literate third of Alabama. Well-played.
ALASKA: flower delivery – Alaskans spend so much of their time bare-knuckle boxing polar bears and spit-roasting penguins, they don’t have time for your nonsense, St. Valentine. “Here’s a flower, babe, it should really dress up the igloo.”*
* I didn’t spend much time researching Alaska.
ARIZONA: cubic zirconia rings, Jacquie Lawson cards – That’s mighty specific card research, Arizona. “Last year, I got her a ShoeBox Greetings card, and slept on the couch for a week. Not making that mistake again!” and “Here’s a ring, baby. A nice ring…(mumbling)not a REAL nice ring, though.”
ARKANSAS: romance novels, Zale’s jewelry – Romance novels? So Arkansas has a lot of lonely women, eh? Seems like information all the men searching for jewelery could use. “We don’t have to try real hard, Zeke. There’s singles e’erwhere!”
CALIFORNIA: gold, cubic zirconia jewelry, couples pajamas, heart-shaped sunglasses, bondage kit – California started out strong, faded down the stretch and then hit a buzzer-beater there at the end. Heart-shaped sunglasses? I thought you were better than that, California.
COLORADO: platinum rings, fondue, dance lessons, couples yoga, aphrodisiac foods – Platinum? Well, look who’s got money! It is Colorado, so I’m a little surprised “romantic bong” didn’t make the list.
CONNECTICUT: Edible Arrangements, smoking jacket – I don’t know what to do with this information, Connecticut. I mean, Edible Arragnements is pretty standard territory, but then you go off the rails with smoking jacket. Are smoking jackets big in Connecticut? If anyone lives up there, let me know.
DELAWARE: gift card – “Delaware: We Quit Trying Decades Ago.” Why do you need to Google “gift card?” Do you not know what they are? I mean, never mind the fact that you’re being real lazy here, I really want to know what facts you were looking for.
FLORIDA: Pandora jewelry, Barry White songs – Any wonder Florida’s searches skew a little more on the…mature side? “Martha, I got you a Pandora bracelet about the grandkids! Yeah, I thought that’d get you worked up! I’m gonna put “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love, Babe” on repeat and we’re gonna go at it!” <pops little blue pill> “In thirty to forty-five minutes. Also, my sciatica is acting up, so no doggy style today.”
GEORGIA: satin pajamas, couples outfits – Satin? Sexy, but reasonable. That is so Georgia. Also, couples outfits? Not pajamas. Implying that you intend to go out in public looking like creepy twins from the 1950’s? Now that is Georgia.
HAWAII: flower, platinum, pearls, pearl jewelry, Tahitian pearls, romantic comedy (movie genre), couples massage, tandem kayak – So, think about pearls much, Hawaii? “She said I could give her a pearl necklace this year!” “That’s not what she meant, Hu’uu’mu’a.”
IDAHO: Adam & Eve (the online store, not the Adam & Eve from the Bible) – I don’t know if “(the online store, not the Adam & Eve from the Bible)” was added by the editor at Estately, but I like to think that the people of Idaho feel it necessary to be that specific in the Google searches. “pearl necklace (not the Hawaiian kind, the one where you ejaculate on her neck)” or “handcuffs (the fuzzy, sexy kind, not the kind Paw was hauled of to jail in last week).”
ILLINOIS: chocolate fondue – “Illinois: Where Romance Meets….eh, Fuck It.”
INDIANA: romantic gifts, romantic getaway, couples vacation, mood music, “Indiana: Get Us The Fuck Out Of Here”
IOWA: tandem bicycle – What the actual fuck, Iowa? I mean, I know your shit is flat as Hell, but you gotta try harder than that.
KANSAS: Helzberg Diamonds, Valentine’s recipes – “Kansas: We Got One Jewlery Store and A Crockpot!”
KENTUCKY: couples tattoos, 50 Shades of Grey (novel), 50 Shades of Grey (film), songs to ____ to, roses, porn for couples, – This may be the best list on here, assuming the “blank” is because a real estate blog is afraid to use the word “fuck.” Not an issue I myself have. Of course, it could be “songs to get the Hell out of Kentucky to.”
LOUISIANA: jewelry, men’s jewelry (tie w/ Oklahoma), pearl earrings, adult sex toys, oysters, silk sheets, cheesecake – “Louisiana: We’re Tied With Oklahoma In Desire For Men’s Jewelery – Suck It, Utah!” And what is going on in Louisiana that they feel the need to add the word “adult” when searching for sex toys.
MAINE: lobster, lobster recipe, Maidenform, Robert Burns (poetry) – Why is Maine Googling lobster recipes? Isn’t lobster the State bird? Maidenform? “Happy Valentines, Sweetie! Here’s some sensible undergarments for you!”
MARYLAND: ProFlowers (company), couples activities, Valentine’s Day dinner, Sade (band), Sears portraits – Just leave, Maryland. Seriously. “Hey baby, I printed out the lyrics to “Smooth Operator” and framed ’em for you. Figured you could hang them in the breakroom at CVS. Now hurry up, our sitting time at the Sears is in half an hour. You think they still got that background with the lasers on it?”
MASSACHUSETTS: couples cooking class – “Massachusetts:There’s Fuck-All To Do Up Here. Seriously, Can We Just Leave Already?”
MICHIGAN: ballroom dancing lessons – There’s a lot of pissed off wives in Michigan if so many husbands are will to try ballroom dancing.
MINNESOTA: silk boxers – You guys are above the Arctic circle, shouldn’t you be getting thermal underwear? And there’s nothing women love more than for her Valentine’s Day gift to be underwear for you. “Look what I got you!” “Wow…and they’re Minnesota Vikings underwear!” “Fuck yeah they are! Go Vikes!”
MISSISSIPPI: pearl necklace, cheap jewelry, cheap lingerie, men’s cologne, mixtape – Don’t you ever change, Mississippi. Don’t you ever fucking change. Cheap jewelry, cheap lingerie AND a mixtape?! Somebody’s getting butt stuff tonight.
MISSOURI: Hallmark cards, couples resort, vejazzling – Well, “vajazzling” is the act of decorating your lady bits. I assume “vejazzling” is simply putting self-adhesive crystals on vegetables. “You really dolled up the broccoli tonight, Ida-May! What’s the big occasion? Oh crap…”
MONTANA: silver, lobster tails – “Montana: Tryin’ Is Hard.”
NEBRASKA: Helzberg jewelry – “Nebraska: We’re Kansas, Without That High-Falutin’ Crockpot”
NEVADA: Frederick’s of Hollywood, corset, Boyz II Men, adult onesie, sexy costume – You had me ’til “Boyz II Men,” Nevada. That’s a great sentence you made me write, though.
NEW HAMPSHIRE: stuffed animal – “New Hampshire: Look At Those Lucky Bastards in Massachusetts.”
NEW JERSEY: long-stem roses, box of chocolate, chocolate gift, romantic movies, gift basket, wine gift basket – Stop playing, New Jersey. Nobody is buying this bullshit. We all know the real list – Axe body spray, hair gel, define sexual harrasment, go fuck yourself Google, how do i spell “je-bro-knee”
NEW MEXICO: hickey, Indiana jewelry, silver jewelry – I tried, New Mexico, I really did. I Googled “Indiana jewelry” thinking it was some geographically specific designer. Nope. All I got was a list of jewelry stores in Indiana. I don’t get it. But then again, you also Googled “hickey” so who the fuck knows what’s going on over there?
NEW YORK: 1-800-FLOWERS, earrings, chocolate baskets, Harlequin books, wine delivery, couples spa package, Victoria’s Secret, champagne, silk pajamas, candygram, romantic motel, perfume, romantic restaurants, mink coat – Goddammit, New York, the web address for 1-800-FLOWERS is 1800flowers.com. It’s in the fucking jingle.
NORTH CAROLINA: sterling silver jewelry – Hey darlin’, here’s some reasonably priced jewelry that I know you won’t get much for when you inevitably pawn it after we breakup. So, suck it. And hey, speaking of suck it…
NORTH DAKOTA: gifts for him, couples retreat, flower bouquet – “Gifts for him.” You know what, thanks North Dakota. It’s bad enough he has to live in fucking North Dakota, so it’s nice of you to get him a new air freshener for the tractor. I assume.
OHIO: Pandora bracelet, romantic getaways – “Ohio: As Usual, We’re Just Gonna See What Everyone Else Is Doing And Steal The Least Interesting Ideas.”
OKLAHOMA: Teleflora, men’s jewelry (tie w/ Louisiana), relationship counseling, marriage counseling, boudoir photography, boudoir photos, – Things a bit dodgy in Oklahoma? “Hey Pumpkin, I couldn’t decide between a gift certificate for counseling or boudoir photos, so here’s a six-pack and a selfie of me on the shitter.”
OREGON: poetry, romance novel, romance movies – I fell asleep reading that list, Oregon. You’re already Oregon. Maybe try a little harder or you’re gonna end up the Massachusetts of the Northwest. Is that what you want, Oregon?
PENNSYLVANIA: edible underwear, Hershey’s Kisses – 12 points for edible underwear, Pennsylvania. Sadly, minus 1500 for Hershey’s Kisses. Hershey is IN your fucking state. It’s like you saw that Maine was Googling lobsters and thought, “Fuck them! We can be lazier than that!”
RHODE ISLAND: Pandora charms, charm bracelet, bracelet, couples dancing lessons, romantic hotel – Look, Rhode Island, you seem like a decent state, but at the end of the day, you’re Rhode Island. I know we all make fun of the guy with the little penis who drives the Ferrari, but you could at least try to compensate. Don’t be tiny and boring.
SOUTH CAROLINA: matching outfits, how to be romantic – I can only hope that the search was in that order, and Google responded to “how to be romantic” with “not matching outfits, you fuckwit.”
SOUTH DAKOTA: gold jewelry, Romeo and Juliet, JCPenney portraits – “Okay, because I love you, we’ll read one more scene, but then we have to get to the Penney!” JC Penney? Hey Maryland, you just got beat by South Dakota! That’s gotta sting.
TENNESSEE: cheap sex toys – I love you so hard, Tennessee. “I really want Merlene to have an orgasm, and I’m willing to spend up to seven dollars to make that happen. Including shipping.”
TEXAS: Valentines for him, edible panties, discount sex toys, plus-size lingerie – This is the most Texas fucking list I’ve ever seen.
UTAH: cute valentines, men’s rings, cubic zirconia, Sweethearts candy, Conversation Hearts, lingerie, couples games – Oh, Utah. I don’t even know….so uninspired….something about Mormons…..fuck it…..
VERMONT: chocolate, romantic movies – “Vermont: What? Like you’re Gonna Move To New Hampshire? Shut Up And Look At The Foliage.”
VIRGINIA: romance (TV show genre), Kama Sutra, romantic music, sexy songs – “All right, one more episode of “Murphy Brown” but then we put on Kenny G and try ‘The Lotus Blossom.'”
WASHINGTON: bear skin rug, platinum ring, red wine, sparkling wine, aphrodisiacs – Um, Washington, a bear skin rug IS an aphrodisiac, duh!
WEST VIRGINIA: Valentine’s Day ideas, cheap gifts, eCards, handcuffs, video games – “Hey Darryl, here’s half a Snickers and a used copy of Fallout 4.” “Thanks, sweetie! What’s the handcuffs for?” “You know I just got the job at mall security! Dammit, Darryl, you never listen to anything I say!”
WISCONSIN: teddy bear, fur coat – “Wisconsin: As Cold As Fuck, As Romantic As A Seventh-Grader. Go Packers!”
WYOMING: flowers, sex toys, adult toys, vibrator, bra, mail-order bride – I’m gonna go open a store in Wyoming that sells sex toys and flowers, and if they ever get any women to move there, I will make an absolute fortune. Of course, I’ll be stuck in Wyoming….