Now that I’ve been in my forties for a few years, I’ve come to some realizations, I’ve noticed a few realities and common threads. So if you’re not there yet, this is what you have to look forward to, if you’re already there, then you can nod your head knowingly as you read, but not too vigorously, you’ll hurt yourself.
– I have the house to myself for 30 minutes – XBox or masturbate?
– Sex or sleep? I mean, sex is great, but seriously, how is it 10:30 already?
– OK, I don’t really have to pee right now, and I’m all nice and warm, but if I go now, I might just make it all night without having to get up.
– I really like the hot wings here, but I’d also like to be able to be more than ten feet from the toilet tomorrow morning.
– How the fuck did I hurt my neck sleeping?
– Stairs? Again? “Honey! We have to move!”
– Another beer’d be great, but I don’t have time to spend an extra 30 minutes on the treadmill tomorrow.
– You were born in what year?!
– At this point, I’m tired of the “compliment.” You and I both know I am over 21, just bring me my fucking bourbon.
– When do I start feeling like an adult?
– When I drop something on the floor, there’s a 35% chance it will stay there until the sun explodes. Who the fuck put the floor all the way down there?
“Doesn’t he need a parent in the car with him?”
“You go to Hell.”
– OH MY GOD. There is such a thing as too loud! Not cool.
– I have a urologist.
– You watch your kids hit puberty and think, “Man, fuck that.”
– A teenage girl is talking to you (for some unknown reason), and for the first time in your life you think, “Please stop,” and look around to see if someone is giving you the perv eye.
– Now that I can afford to go out, drink all night, and take a cab home, the whole thing just sounds like a pain in the ass. Then what? I gotta get up and go back to my car. Ugh. I’ll just have one drink and turn in early.
– Hangovers last 3 days, and big ones never quite go away completely.
– I don’t know, socks with sandals are pretty comfortable.
– Why the fuck have I been wearing underwear for the last 4 decades? Freedom, bitches!
– Cataracts? No, you must reading my grandfather’s file.
– No, I couldn’t possibly eat another bite, I just took my supplements.
– I understand loafers now.
– Hell yeah! I slept til 8 today! Oh shit, I can’t stand up straight.
– Reading glasses? Goddammit.
– “I just read a really interesting article…”
– Wait, when did that start hurting?
– Hallelugah! An erection! “Hey! Hey! Wake up!”
– Spending hours a week in the gym and deciding it’d be a helluva lot easier just to convince her she likes fat dudes.
– I have an opinion on pillows. A strong one.