I tried you guys. I really did. I like to to think I make fun of everyone pretty equally. So, in the spirit of fairness, I spent way too much time looking for sex advice from other religions. I’ve done Christian sex advice, so naturally, I should make fun of other religions who feel the need to dabble in sex advice.
Guess what? They don’t. Seriously. I Googled “Jewish sex adivce,” “Jewish sex tips,” “Hindu sex advice,” (this did come up with the Kama Sutra, but that’s allowed – don’t judge me, my blog, my rules), “Buddhist sex tips,” and even “Muslim sex advice.” I’m sure that last one landed me on some list, somewhere. I can just imagine some low-level NSA staffer having to include that in his daily report. I’m supposed to take a trip in July, so we’ll see if I make it on the plane. I can’t wait to explain to my wife that I can’t go on vacation with the family because I just had to find out what the Koran said about nipple clamps.
I think maybe the bigger question is what compels Christians, and seemingly only Christians, to try to bookend their sex lives by way of a 2000 year old religious text. (Sidenote: Doesn’t “Bookend” feel like it’s an “Eiffel Tower” but for Francophobes. “Fine, Sue Ellen, me and Trevor will double-team you, but there’s no way we’re calling it an Eiffel Tower! America!”) Now, I don’t like to brag, but I read the Bible as much as I was required to – spoiler alert – Jesus dies – so I think I can safely say that Jesus was a tad more concerned with people not being assholes to each other than he was with what people did to each others’ assholes. But I digress.
On one site, I found this:
“I got a question topic for you …and would like you to have a topic about it…pegging…where the wife does the husband. …I like woman’s point of view of it….maybe some husbands. …I’ll give ya time to look into study what does it do for the woman maybe letting her [dominate]. The wife giving the love, the husband receiving it.”
Haha. Sounds to me like a certain hubby is fishing for approval. For those of you who who are reading this site and don’t know what pegging is, well, you’re my mom. Hi, Mom! But what does Jesus say about pegging? Let’s find out!
Unsurprisingly, the Christian writer doesn’t think JC would be into pegging. Because, “Romans 1:27 says, “In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” Those “shameful acts” certainly had to include anal sex with one another. Having that same kind of sex with a man-shaped object (dildo or strap-on) appears to be a substitute, even if your wife is the one doing it. And the Bible clearly is opposed.” Wait. Why did those “shameful acts…certainly include anal sex with each other?” Maybe they were just binge watching Katherine Heigl movies. Talk about shameful.
“3. Pregnancy and STDs aren’t the only consequences for premarital sex or promiscuity.
“These concerns get drilled into teens’ heads so much. Many believe the worst, or only, consequences of having sex before marriage or having multiple partners is unwanted pregnancy or contracting an STD.
Yes, kids, those things could happen, but the scars left on your heart, the disruption to your future marital happiness, the disobedience to God—these matter so much.”
“Sorry, Melanie. We can’t have sex tonight, my previous disobedience to God and the disruption to future marital happiness are flaring up again. Oops, my bad. I meant herpes. My herpes is flaring up again.”
4. Birth control is not 100% effective.
But anal is. But guess where the Christian sex blogger lands on anal sex. (Editor’s note: Do NOT land anal sex, ease onto it. (Hi-yo!))
5. Sex is more than intercourse.
Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle. If you’re getting the least bit naked to do something with someone, welcome to the world of sex.
Well, that is great news! Since I sleep, “au naturel,” I guess I am having tons of sex! Yay me!
6. “How far is too far?” is the wrong question.
However, that’s the question youth workers hear again and again when the topic of sex is brought up with teens. Teens want to know where the line is—how far can they go without sinning or risking consequences. It’s basically, “What can I get away with?” Which is not the attitude God wants us to have toward Him or His gift of sexual intimacy.
Rather, we should ask, “How can I honor God when it comes to sexual intimacy?” Framing it that way, some of our nitpicking questions simply go away, and it becomes clearer what we should and shouldn’t do.
So remember kids, when you’re getting hot and heavy in the back of your boyfriend’s Honda Pilot, ask yourself, “Would I be honoring God if I gave Tony a complimentary reach around? Especially after he just spent the last half hour almost finding my clitoris?” That of course, is between you and the Lord.
8. The Bible has a lot to say about sexuality.
“Blah blah blah. So if you want to know the real deal about how we should approach sexuality, read the Bible.”
Really? Cuz I must’ve missed those parts. I am sure they are talking about the “Song Of Solomon” which nuns everywhere will swear is positively RIBALD! Much in the same way the Shakespeare will have you ROFLOLing!!! “Get it! Juliet will fall forwards when she is older because she’ll have gigantic boobs! Hahahahaha! Get it! He is so funny!” No. Song of Solomon is not ribald. No, Shakespeare is not hysterical. Shut up.
9. More sex happens in marriage than outside it.
– Okay. Probably true. But then they add, “I love what one newlywed man told our youth group: “I’m having lots of sex now, and I never, ever think, ‘Man, I wish I’d had sex back in high school.’” Bullshit. Bull. Shit. Did I mention, bullshit?
In the comments, I found this gem: “Remember, unless and until you are married, whatever you are doing is possibly with someone else’s future spouse. Show them the respect you hope your own future spouse is also being shown. ” Well, since they divorce rate is 50%, there’s a pretty good chance that whatever you’re doing with your current spouse, you are also doing with someone else’s future spouse. So……
And this one: “Nice angle! Thanks, Emily.” Heehee, “Nice angle! Thanks, Emily” is what you say when Emily does reverse cowgirl.
And this: “I also want to teach my future teens how to chart their cycles so they can use fertility charting once married and ditch the chemical contraceptives.” True story, when I was in high school, we had a good, married Catholic couple come talk to us about this charting bullshit. Someone asked them how many kids they had – 2. Then someone asked how many were planned – 0. So yeah, keep using that method.
Not to mention: “Singles need to recognize their drive and feelings, but then channel their energy in other ways, saving the moment they can “enjoy the dish,” so to speak, until marriage.” Hey, Lisa, I know you’re so horny you’re going cross-eyed, so let’s crochet!