Farewell, Mrs. Brady

With the sad news of the passing of Florence Henderson – who played Carol Brady, my 3rd favorite TV mom behind Ann Romano and Alice Hyatt (don’t judge me) – I feel I had to find a way to pay homage to her work.

But then I remembered I don’t do “homage.”   So, in lieu of an homage, I’d like to put forth ideas for Brady Bunch episodes I wish had been.

“Shovels Ahoy!”  –  Jan is (finally) learning how to drive.  But one day, she takes the car without permission to go to a boy’s house!  As luck would have it, she hits a hobo on her way back home and pulls into the driveway with his corpse sticking out the windshield.  Can the kids all band together and get the body buried before Carol and Mike get back from the farmer’s market?

“The Doctor Is In”   After he walks in on Greg doing some under-the-shirt-over-the-bra stuff with the class slut, Bobby decides that he and Cindy should play “doctor” to see what all the fuss is about.  Mike walks in on them in the laundry room and beats them both with his belt until he sprains his wrist.  But the wrist sprain nearly costs him a big job when he can’t complete the drawings in time.  Looks like everyone learned a lesson this week!

“A Little Case of the Sniffles” –  Between baseball, school work, and his paper route, Peter has bitten off more than he can chew.  So like any 12-year-old, he starts doing cocaine.  Gobs and gobs of cocaine.  His dealer fronts him “enough to get him through regionals” but when Bobby can’t pay, he gets beaten after school.  His only solution is to steal money from Alice’s purse.  As he rifles through it though, he finds her .38 special.  When he goes to meet up with his dealer, he puts three slugs in the guy’s chest.

“A Swinging Good Time” –  Familiarity (and six frigging kids) have taken their toll on Mike and Carol’s intimacy.  They find the solution when the new neighbors invite them over for a key party.  Their new found zest for living backfires however, when Marsha and her boyfriend show up at a swingers’ party Mike and Carol are hosting at the local adult theater.  Mike sees Marsha from across the room, but before he can get to Carol, he finds that the boyfriend is next in line at her glory hole.  Oops!

“The Over/Under” –  Sam the Butcher’s shop is having a rough go.  A new “supermarket” has moved in around the corner and is stealing his business.  To help make ends meet, Alice starts running an illegal sports book out of the Brady’s house.  Everything’s going great until a huge upset in the World Series leaves her over-extended.  In order to pay off the bets, she and Sam burn his shop to the ground for the insurance money.

“Welcome Back” – Things get tricky when Carol’s husband comes back from the dead.  Turns out, he’d faked his death to get away from the suffocating responsibility of three daughters.  He threatens to weasel his way back into the girl’s lives unless Carol gives him $250,000 in cash.  Mike says they don’t have that kind of money, but Carol confesses.  She and her ex had stolen almost half a million from a Moroccan drug dealer when they were on their honeymoon.  The money is stashed under the dog house.  They pay him off and he disappears before the girls suspect anything.

“Candid Camera” – Suspicions arise when Cindy comes home one day with a brand new bike.  Peter figures something is up when she buys a new pair of roller skates a week later.  He corners her that evening, holding the red hot poker from the fire place an inch from her eye until she confesses.  She’s been taking naked polaroid pictures of Jan and Marsha and selling them to the boys at school.  Peter says he wants in on the action.  Cindy agrees and tells him she has a big order from the glee club who are looking for pictures of Greg in the shower.  When he tries to get the pics, he drops the camera in the toilet.  Oh, Peter!

“Kidney Pie” –  Greg’s band, “Brownie and the Po-Boys,” book a gig at a bar in Tijuana.  Mike and Carol refuse to let him go and he moves out of his sweet pad over the garage and onto Big Papa’s (the bassist) couch.  They go to the gig anyway and Greg starts doing tequila shots after the show with one of the local girls.  The rest of the band wants to leave but Greg refuses, sensing that he is about to get lucky.  An argument ensues that results with Greg staying in Tijuana with the local girl, slamming shot after shot.  The next day, he wakes up in an ice-filled bathtub missing a kidney.  He’s forced to call Mike and Carol who give him a big fat “told ya so.”

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