So a friend turned me on to this video:
and it is delightful. I have no idea if it’s genuine or not, but it really doesn’t matter. It’s old white people doing christian rap, so I love it. I love it whether or not it’s genuine for one simple reason. I did 13 years of Catholic school, and there, they vacillated wildly from trying desperately to relate to the youth to pretending it was still 478 A.D. So even if if this is fake, the sentiment behind it rings true for me. We never had Christian rap at my school, but we did have a Christian hair metal band play one time. No, I’m being serious. But hey, we got out of class for an hour. And had a good laugh. But this same school, that would do something so wild, so crazy, so utterly “relate-able” as invite in a hair metal band so we could jam for Jesus, would also tell us things like “Masturbation is a sin because it is an inherently homosexual act.” Because you’re giving sexual pleasure to someone of the same sex, you see.
I love this video for one other reason – the old dude in the background. Go back and watch it again. That sum bitch is everything I want to be in my twilight years. Every. Damn. Thing.
I left the video running in the background and lo and behold, the next video began to autoplay. It was a compilation of video dating clips from the 80s. It was at this point that I knew I’d be late picking the kids up from school.
Oh. My. Damn.
My favorite part is all of it. But let’s break it down anyway.
- Little known fact, you had to get an exemption from the federal government to not have a sweet ass mustache in the 80s. True story.
- Jeez, man. You can’t go from Maurice to Monroe with no segue!
- Big Phil? Big Phil. Big? Phil?
- Mother Fuckin’ Fred! Showing up to record his video dressed like a fucking Viking! Tell you what, Fred, you can pillage my nether regions any time you like. Fred’s my favorite.
- Scratch that. Sorry Fred. Well, hello Mike! That hair! That glorious hair!
- Another 80s fact. Sweaters!
- This video does help explain Adrian Zmed.
- “I’m not looking for some big, overgrown monster who’s always thinking about food.” Guess he should fast forward past Mike as well.
- Wait. Did that son of a bitch just quote the bible? In a dating video? The 80s were cray, man.
- “I took a sponge ball…was pulling them out of a little girl’s ear…” Is someone keeping track of this guy? I’m being serious here.
- Holding a rose while wearing fingerless leather gloves. Can men ovulate? Because I just did. Call me goddess one more time, Mario, I assume.
- “I’m a 25 year subscriber to both Playboy and the New Yorker magazine.” Hey, all I hear is financial stability and a guy who knows what he likes – softcore porn and political cartoons he pretends to understand.
- “At night, I operate a damsel-in-distress hotline.” I have never in my life needed further explanation more than I do right now.
- Took a lot longer for the first Member’s Only jacket to make an appearance than I would have guessed.
- “No fatties, no hamsters.” Wait. What the fuck is a hamster? Does he mean actual hamsters? Is hamster his slang for something? What the fuck could a hamster be? They’re small and furry. Is he talking about Kourtney Kardashian? Is he a time traveler?
- “No Donna Juanitas.” This dude is killing me. But he does have a good point. I personally have dated seven Donna Juanitas and they were all mucho crazy.
- “I like to wear bright socks, and I’m an avid Cleveland Browns fan.” Aww, dude, don’t admit that. The Browns?
- “I’m interested in most phases of data processing.” Most phases. Not all, though. That’d be weird.
- Fred re-appears! And man, did he bring the crazy eyes. My panties are still moist, though. Dammit, Fred, I just can’t quit you.
Okay, now I have to go do something, I guess.