Some Games Are Better Than Others

Yay!!!

Cosmo’s gotta a new “Sex Games” column out.  I’ve missed you Cosmo.  I’ve really missed you.  So here we go – “14 Totally Hot Sex Games You Need to Try.”

Raunchy Retail Therapy

Visit a sex shop or lingerie store together, and tell your partner they can pick one thing they want to see you wear, no questions as asked. Give them an allowance to spend so they stay in your budget, and because you are a grown ass woman who #TreatsHerself. Don’t let them show you what they bought until you get home from the shopping trip. Enjoy watching their jaw drop as they see you walk out in their fantasy get-up.

First of all, I searched Twitter.  There are preceisely 4 Tweets that have ever used #treatsherself.  What you mean is #treatyoself.  Stop being so lazy.  Secondly, his jaw is not going to drop because you walked out in the exact outfit he bought you.  That’s not how it works.  “Oh My Gawd, Babay!!! I can’t believe you’re wearing the outfit I bought you 20 minutes ago and that you took into the bathroom with you after telling me to lay in bed and get ready!”

XXX Marks the Spot

This is like a “guess that number” but with a spot on your body. You keep one particular spot in mind and he has to kiss every part of your body until he guesses correctly. It’s up to you if you want to be honest and tell him he hit the right spot, or let him keep guessing.
Okay.  So.  This one is fine.  Not “Totally Hot.”  But fine.  Question.  What happens when he finds the right spot?  You’re not giving us all the rules.  Is it sexy time?  Or does he go back to playing Mario Kart?

Do as I Say

Make yourself a DIY dungeon master by whipping out a feather duster and a silk tie as arm restraints. BONUS: for the entirety of your “session,” you can only use Christian’s and Ana’s quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey. He’s Ana.
<comic book store guy from The Simpsons>”Um, that’s not what a dungeon master is!</comic book store guy from The Simpsons>  And why is “session” in quotes?  Do you not mean “session?”  If not, what do you mean?  And for some practical advice, he won’t have any idea what the hell you’re talking about if you start using quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey.  And if you genuinely expect him to respond to the quotes with the correct response, well, you’re just gonna be mad.

Strip-Pong

Set up your dining room table like a beer-pong table, but skip the brew: Arrange six 16-ounce plastic cups in a triangle shape at either end of the table, and grab some ping-pong balls. You’ll stand at one end of the table, with your guy at the other. Then take turns trying to throw a ping-poll ball into the cups at the opposite end of the table from you. When one of you scores, the other has to remove that cup … and a piece of clothing. The first person to land a ball in all six cups gets to request a sexual favor of their choice.
You had me until “skip the brew.”  Which, technically, was in the first sentence, so very, very early.    And why would a person even think to remove alcohol from a sex game?  Did you even go to prom?

Pick a Card, Any Card

Start with a deck of cards and assign each suit a different sexy meaning: hearts represent kissing, diamonds equal a massage, clubs are manual stimulation, and spades mean oral. Take turns picking cards from the stack and treating each other to the sexy move you draw. The numbers on the cards represent how long you have to do each action — so if you get the nine of diamonds, he has to give you a sensual rubdown for nine seconds. If he picks the ace of clubs, you give him a one-second hand-job (boo, but hey, that’s the way the cards were dealt).
A nine second massage.  One of Cosmo’s super hot sex games includes the idea of a nine second massage.  And that’s actually one of the longest massages you might get in this game.  Also, um, aces are high, lady.  Aces are high!

Not So Fast

Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself — they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). For each correct answer, he gets to move one step closer to you; if he’s wrong, he takes a step back. Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.
First off, rename this game.  Telling your man you want to play a game called “Not So Fast” is really starting thing off on the wrong foot.  Second, he’s not going to enjoy being tested.  Here’s how it’s going to go:

Her: When did I lose my virginity?

Him:  Um….16?

Her:  No. I was 18, remember?

Him: Oh, yeah.  Okay, sure.  <takes a step back, loses erection>

Her: Okay, what was the name of my cat growing up?

Him: Jesus, babe.  I don’t-

Her: My parents just had to put to her sleep! I cried all of last week!

Him: Uh……Mr. Bojangles?

Her: What?! It was Lady Meowington! Do you ever listen to me? <starts crying>

How sexy does that sound?  Look, I’ve been married 20 years and I still break out into a cold sweat if I’m filling out an online form that asks for my wife’s birthday.  And that’s just me trying to reset her Ikea password so I can order a new Ooobbolnersin for our Skanvankatin. I can’t imagine how much stress I’d be under if it was about trying to have sex.

Seven Minutes in Heaven

Seven Minutes in Heaven is a step up from Spin the Bottle, but now that you’re not in braces in your parent’s basement, why not make it even dirtier? Set the kitchen timer for seven minutes and then hop in the coat closet together for a torrid quickie. The timer creates a sense of urgency, and the small, dark space makes it feel like you’re doing something forbidden — so hot.

At my age, it takes me longer than seven minutes to go pee.  Plus, have you seen my coat closet?

Reality Show 

You know how you and your guy watch a show together and you really want your favorite characters to have sex? Make it happen in your bed! Doing this bit of specific role play involving the characters you can’t wait to just bone already actually boning already via your boning? Perfection.

“Ok.  You be Ross and I’ll be Monica”

“Eww, they were brother and sister!”

“Stop judging me, Ross!”

“Fine, but after this, I’m Oscar the Grouch and you’re Mr. Snuffleupagus.”

“But Mr. Snuffleupagus was invisible to everybody except Big Bird.”

“I know, babe.  I know.”

Marco, Pol-Ohhhh

The classic pool game is about to get hot as hell. The next time you’re by yourselves in the water, close your eyes, then head in the direction of your guy by following the sound of his voice. Once you catch him, pull your bathing suit bottom aside and go at it.

So, I’m just supposed to stand in the pool with a raging hard-on and just hope someone finds me?  Well, that’s an interesting juxtaposition from 8th grade, when I stood in the pool with a raging hard-on and prayed no one found me.  “I know it’s adult swim time, Mr. Lifeguard!!  Can I have one fucking minute please!?!”

Dare or Dare

Play a game of Truth or Dare, with very little truth involved. Dares can include things like:

  • Talk dirty to me for 20 minutes.
  • Kiss me without using your hands to touch any other body parts (though he’ll want to).
  • Sext me while you’re at work at least once an hour. It’s up to you if you want to keep daring him, or let him take a turn at daring you.

Talk dirty to you for 20 minutes?  Lady, I gots shit to do.

Orgasm Race

Lie side-by-side naked in bed and begin pleasuring yourselves. Whoever comes first gives the other person manual or oral stimulation until they reach the finish line too. The “winner” gets to request a sexy treat next time. (Relationship bonus: Masturbating in front of each other can draw you closer — because it’s normally something you do when you’re alone, allowing another person to watch you makes you feel vulnerable, heightening the intimacy between you.)

Yes!  Looks like we are about to enter into a new era, one where I go un-de-fucking-feated!!!  A masturbation race?  Tell you what, I’ll give you ten minute head start just to so you don’t feel so bad about yourself.

This Is So Wrong

Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like:

  1. Hooking up at in your friend’s bathroom at a house party.
  2. Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.
  3. Put your hand on his crotch while you’re in a crowded elevator just to give him an idea of what you want to do later.

Alternately, put your hand on someone else’s crotch and make things really interesting.

The Mirror Game

Both of you strip down and sit facing each other on the bed. One of you begins to touch, kiss, and lick different areas of the other’s body, and the other person has to simultaneously touch, kiss, and lick that in exactly the same way as closely as possible. This is also a great way to show your partner how you like to be touched and honestly it’s hot as hell.

So…….69, then?  Ok.  But you know, you could just say it.  We’re totes cool with that.

Mystery Toy

Blindfold your guy naked on the bed and then tease him all over using a series of sexy objects — caress his penis with a silky thong or a simple feather. Have him try to guess what you’re stroking him with, and don’t move onto the next object until he gets it right.

I will only have my penis caressed with a complex feather.  What the hell is a “simple” feather, anyway?  Be ready for this game to take a while.  You may want to bring your phone.

“A pair of underwear?”

“No.”

“A tie?”

“No.”

“Your hair.”

“No.”

“A simple feather?”

“No.”

“The cat?”

“What?  No.”

“Tea cozy?”

“We don’t have a tea cozy.”

“My Limp Bizket concert tee?”

“No.  I threw that out.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“A Swiffer.”

“No.”

“Two Swiffers?”

“No.”

“A leaf?”

“No.”

“A caterpillar?”

“No.”

“Did you just dress up my penis in one of your Barbie’s sundresses?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Yes.”