I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I think the Kardashians are awful. No, really. I do. I am convinced they are why the terrorists hate us. Hell, I’m kinda ticked at us for making them famous. Which of course leads to the question, how they hell did they get famous? Well, they owe it all to Kim Kardashian’s vagina. I can’t believe that’s a sentence that now exists.
Okay, so she “leaked” a sex tape. Who hasn’t? I mean, is everyone who leaks a sex tape famous? No, of course not. If they did, your mom would be swamped by the paparazzi every time she goes to Kroger. So I watched her sex tape to find out why. Like eight times. For research. Now, I’ve been watching porn for over thirty years, so trust when I tell you, her sex tape is shit. Complete shit. A crudely drawn flip cartoon of me masturbating would be a better sex tape than this.
So while we may never know how she got famous (*cough* aliens *cough*), the least I can do is spend an hour watching this show to see if they are as truly awful as they seem. That’s right, I’ve never even seen “Keeping Up With The Kardashains.” (Side note, how is her sex tape not called “Keeping It Up With The Kardashians?”) So I recorded an old epsiode from 2104 entitled “A Surprise Engagement Part 1.” It’s bound to be riveting.
Here’s my take:
We start with the little one (Kourtney?) and the Shaved Chewbacca (Khloe?) talking to their clothing store manager. Aaaaaaaaaand Chewbacca just got her hair stuck in a handheld fan. Well, that didn’t take long. The meeting is over. That was like 18 seconds long. Glad they got everything sorted out.
Jesus. When do they get interesting? They’re just talking about how long the little one is gonna breast feed. (Also, I’m 2 minutes in and I’ve heard “That’s cute!” eighteen times. It’s gonna be a long ride.)
Now Kim is talking to some dude that looks like the mailman from “Better Off Dead” but he has less character development.
Oh good, they’re talking abut how much baby weight she’s lost and how cute her baby is. (“So cute!” just took over “That’s cute!”) So far, so vomitous.
And there’s the mom. Kim is wonking about packing up her “sunglasses, sunglasses, all my things.” Ugh. I may not make it an hour. I guess she and Kanye and North (eyeroll) are living there?
Now they’re talking about wall paper. That’s it. Wall paper. How is this a thing?
Kim: “You’re going to feel so zen-ed out when you come to my new house.” Zen-ed out.
This show is 80% awkward, silent glances. Losing respect in you , America.
The little one is wearing a GIANT gold combination turban/visor. The fuck?
“Being the third wheel is the new black.” – Shaved Chewbacca
What the fuck? Does anything actually happen on this damn show?
Goddammit. Do they have a dog named Gabanna? Fuck them.
The mom is complaining that she can’t find room in her mansion to be alone. That just happened.
Sweet damn. I have never seen this many blank stares. I feel like they can’t tie their now shoes.
Son of a bitch! How am I only eleven minutes in?!
So this was back when Chewbacca was married to Lamar Odom. They’re talking about the impending doom of their marriage. And they’re bored shitless. They’re not alone.
They’re eating at a Ruth’s Chris’? I expected more.
Serious question, on a scale of Ted Cruz to Martin Shkreli, how fucking punchable is Scott Disick?
They are trying to come up with a nickname so they can talk shit about Kim when she’s around? While I applaud the sentiment, it’s kicking their asses. They may truly be the dumbest people I’ve ever seen. They’ve settled on “Nancy.” Great job, everyone. You really knocked it out of the park.
Hey, it’s Bruce Jenner!!
He’s talking abou tputting on an “all-Bruce” party. Goddammit, America, these people are not interesting!! Bruce isnow looking for his phone. That was the whole bit. Like seriously, that’s all that happened in that whole fucking scene. (In case you’re on the edge of your seat, his phone was in the top drawer.)
So the little one and Shaved Chewbacca are talking shit about Kim and calling her “Nance.” I’m still bored to tears. Oh no! Kim might be catching on! What’s gonna happen? Whew! She didn’t figure it out! We’re all very shocked.
Mom-dashian is complaining that Kim keeps having work done on her house, and keeps “making doors quieter, and louder.” My use of “what the fuck?” is going to rival their use “That’s so cute!”
So much drama! Or at east their would be, but even they’re aren’t pretending to care about this crap.
Shaved Chewbacca has a blanket named Leopard. That is all.
Wait, I think Shaved Chewbacca is talking on a BlackBerry. How old is this damn episode?
So Kim is making a phone call, and Mom-dashian starts pretending to make a phone call to annoy her but is just jumping around saying “WOOO!” If any of these people have a triple digit IQ, I will wet myself.
This show is really quite horrible.
Well, that whole “call Kim Nancy” thing lasted almost a day before they told her. ZING! Good one, ladies!
Oh no. They’ve hurt Kim’s feelings! Still don’t care.
So Mom-dashian and Shaved Chewbacca are going to Kim’s under-construction house to try and speed things up. This should be fine. So. Nothing happened. I mean, nothing. No drama. No tears. No temper tantrum. What the hell was the point?
OK, so I just blanked out for the last ten minutes. I didn’t fall asleep. I think my brain just shut itself off for self-preservation. The show is almost over (thank God).
Apparently they have a brother. Did we know this?
Well. That sucked. Everything about it was awful. Everything. Why the hll do people watch that shit? It’s not even exciting enough to be train wreck. It’s not even a model train wreck. It’s more like watching a guy glue fake trees on his model train landscape. I now hate the Kardashians even more for making sit through that. I had hoped they’d be super-awful and I could at least enjoy my anger towards them. But it turns out they’re just awfully boring.
Come on, America. You’re better than this.