You’re Welcome

So, my public library has stopped carrying Cosmo.  Which sucks.  Cosmo online is not nearly as cringe-worthy as the print version, so it’s hard for me to find stuff to make fun of anymore.  I’m not gonna buy a bunch of Cosmos, those things are like $40 each, so I’ll have to figure something out.

Today, I will take questions from their “Ask Logan” and answer them.  But, I’m not going to actually read the whole question.  I will react only to the headline portion of the question.  Because that’s easier, and I’m too lazy to read dozens of questions from whiny people with almost problems.

Shall we begin?

Q: I Started an Affair With My Boss and Now I Can’t Get Over Him

Me: You should have thought about that before you got UNDER him!  Am I right?  Hi-yo!

Q: My Boyfriend’s Mom Offered to Break Up With Me for Him
Me; Imma go out on a limb here and say she doesn’t like you.

Q: My Brother’s Girlfriend Thinks My Relationship With Him Is “Completely Inappropriate”

Me: Maybe stop giving him under-the-table handjobs at Thanksgiving?

Q: It’s Been Over a Year and My Boyfriend Still Keeps Sexy Videos of His Ex

Me: Yeah, he should at least hide them in a system folder so you can’t find them, like everyone else does.

Q: My Boyfriend Is Super Rude to Me Whenever He Plays Video Games
Me: Sounds about right

Q: I Love Dating My Married Boyfriend, but I’m Worried I’m Going to Get Hurt

I really like him, but he doesn’t want anything more serious.

Me:  Well that’s quite the conundrum you’ve found yourself in through no fault of your own.

Q: We’ve Been Dating for 2 1/2 Years and I Still Haven’t Met His Parents

Me: You haven’t been dating for 2-1/2 years.  You’ve been the side chick for 2-1/2 years.

Q: Do You Need Multiple Partners to Be Better In Bed?

Me: At the same time?  Yes.

Q: My Husband Hid My Vibrator From Me
Me: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Q: My Boyfriend Won’t Delete Nude Photos of His Ex Off His Phone

Me: Yeah….he’s not gonna do that…

Q: My Boyfriend Did Something Really Weird While We Were Making Out. I was really confused and kind of uncomfortable.

Me: Was it that thing with his pinky?  I bet it was that thing with his pinky.

Q: I Can’t Look My Boyfriend in the Eye During Sex
Me: Take off the blindfold, you twit.

Q: I Snooped on My Boyfriend’s Instagram and I Don’t Like What I Found
Q: Me: Well no shit.

Q: I’m a Straight Woman, but When I Orgasm I Pretend I’m a Man Ejaculating
Me: Ooooo-kay?

Q: Do Guys Only Notice My Boobs?
Me: Of course not.  They look at your butt, too.

Q: I Can’t Orgasm With a Partner Anymore

Me: Have you tried two partners?

Q: I Hate Receiving Oral Sex

Me: I cannot relate to this question.

Q: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Know if He’s Gay

Me: If this a dude asking this question, relax, your boyfriend is gay.

Q:I Hate the Way My Boyfriend Dresses. I want to burn his ugly sweatpants, but how do I get the message across to him nicely?

Me: Why?  Were you doing it wrong?

Q: My Boyfriend Wants to Have a Threesome
Me: Well that is shocking…

Q: A Cop Caught My Boyfriend With His Pants Unzipped With Another Woman

And I was the police dispatcher who checked his license!
Me: I believe I summed it up earlier when I said: Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Q: My Boyfriend Wants Me to Stop Drinking
Me: Fuck that guy.  You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life.

Q: I Don’t Like My Boyfriend’s Friends
Me: Nobody does.  They’re douchebags.

Q: My Boyfriend Is a Horrible Kisser. Should I Break Up With Him?

Me: Absolutely

Q: My Boyfriend Checks Out Other Girls
Me: What a stunning revelation that no one has ever brought up before and that I am sure women don’t talk about all the time.

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