So, my public library has stopped carrying Cosmo. Which sucks. Cosmo online is not nearly as cringe-worthy as the print version, so it’s hard for me to find stuff to make fun of anymore. I’m not gonna buy a bunch of Cosmos, those things are like $40 each, so I’ll have to figure something out.
Today, I will take questions from their “Ask Logan” and answer them. But, I’m not going to actually read the whole question. I will react only to the headline portion of the question. Because that’s easier, and I’m too lazy to read dozens of questions from whiny people with almost problems.
Shall we begin?
Q: I Started an Affair With My Boss and Now I Can’t Get Over Him
Me: You should have thought about that before you got UNDER him! Am I right? Hi-yo!
Me: Maybe stop giving him under-the-table handjobs at Thanksgiving?
Q: It’s Been Over a Year and My Boyfriend Still Keeps Sexy Videos of His Ex
Me: Yeah, he should at least hide them in a system folder so you can’t find them, like everyone else does.
Q: I Love Dating My Married Boyfriend, but I’m Worried I’m Going to Get Hurt
I really like him, but he doesn’t want anything more serious.
Me: Well that’s quite the conundrum you’ve found yourself in through no fault of your own.
Q: We’ve Been Dating for 2 1/2 Years and I Still Haven’t Met His Parents
Me: You haven’t been dating for 2-1/2 years. You’ve been the side chick for 2-1/2 years.
Q: Do You Need Multiple Partners to Be Better In Bed?
Me: At the same time? Yes.
Q: My Boyfriend Won’t Delete Nude Photos of His Ex Off His Phone
Me: Yeah….he’s not gonna do that…
Q: My Boyfriend Did Something Really Weird While We Were Making Out. I was really confused and kind of uncomfortable.
Q: I Can’t Orgasm With a Partner Anymore
Me: Have you tried two partners?
Q: I Hate Receiving Oral Sex
Me: I cannot relate to this question.
Q: My Boyfriend Doesn’t Know if He’s Gay
Me: If this a dude asking this question, relax, your boyfriend is gay.
Q:I Hate the Way My Boyfriend Dresses. I want to burn his ugly sweatpants, but how do I get the message across to him nicely?
Q: A Cop Caught My Boyfriend With His Pants Unzipped With Another Woman
Q: My Boyfriend Is a Horrible Kisser. Should I Break Up With Him?