Those Aren’t The Same

The thing is, when you produce a list of things that are supposed to be an alternative to this one other thing, it’s important that the alternatives be at least a close substitute.  For instance, if you want a burger but don’t like the high fat content of ground beef, one could suggest bison.  It’s delicious and a leaner meat.  See, it’s not that difficult.

You can imagine how intrigued I was when I found a list of “101 Fun Things To Do Besides Have Sex.”  101 things?  That are at least as fun as having sex?  That’s a lot.  Cuz sex is like super fun, what with having someone else touch your tingly bits and stuff.

So what are these super-fun sex-alternatives?  Let’s look at some.

 

2. Go shopping at the mall with your friends.

– I’ve had bad sex before.  Hell, I’ve been responsible for bad sex (again, so sorry about your grandma’s quilt, Annie).  Even that was better than going to the mall.

3. Have a picnic with your friends at a local park or in your backyard.

– Sure, picnics are fun, but have you ever had a Rusty Trombone?

5. Make a scrapbook.

– I can’t name a single teenage boy that doesn’t LOVE scrapbooking.

6. Make a collage that represents you or a topic you enjoy. Include magazine and newspaper clippings, photographs, ticket stubs, etc.

– Isn’t that a scrapbook?

8. Read a book or magazine.

– “Listen, Tracy, you’re great and I really like you, but could you get off me?  I think Snape just killed Dumbledore.”    <Spoiler Alert>

19. Organize a bake sale or car wash in your neighborhood and donate the proceeds to a school or community project.

– Nothing gets my engine revving like trying to organize volunteers.  “I was gonna give you hummer, Bobby, but just think about how excited the ASPCA will be to get this thirteen dollars!”

21. Plan and make a meal for your family.

– I plan and make meals for my family seven days a week.  I can assure you it’s not nearly as fun as sex.  Not even a little.

26. Ride your bike. Try to find new trails.

– Umm, you MAKE new trails, you don’t FIND new trails.  Duh.

27. Write poetry or short stories.

– This list is not good

I cannot stress that enough

Something something sex

32. Rent a canoe or paddle boat.

– So should I go canoeing, or is it just the renting of a canoe that’s the fun alternative to sex?  Asking or a friend.

35. Get a part-time job.

– Have you ever had a part-time job?  Never once, in a year of working in the Garden Department at Kmart did I think, “Sex is great and all, but it’s not stacking fifty pound bags of cow manure!”

40. Participate in after-school activities, such as the drama club, football, basketball, community service clubs, student council, cheerleading, etc.

– “Thanks for offering to let me touch your butt, Stacey, however, I’ve got to get to Student Council to settle this whole Taco Tuesday fiasco.”

42. Go to the zoo.

– Well, I may not be having sex, but at least I get to watch a this lemur orgy.

45. Make a time capsule with all your friends with notes and objects you want to remember this time in history. Set a date to open it far in the future.

– “Hey, it’s that condom I never got to use.  This sure is fun, unknown, internet list-making person!”

46. Design and make your own T-shirts.

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Done.   Next.

47. Go horseback riding.

– This’d probably work for the ladies.

51. Groom your pet then take it to the park to it show off.

– What?

52. Play paintball.

– Look!  More blue balls!    <swings invisible golf club>

55. Take a nap.

– If I’m being honest, I’m on board with this one.

60. Study for SATs.

– What the fuck does this person think sex is?

65. Visit public gardens.

– Tryna visit some PUBIC gardens, amirite?  Fine, whatever.  You try to come up with good jokes all the time.

69. Visit the historical sites of your city.

– “You know I love doggy-style, Brian, but don’t you want to see the street where George Washington’s stable boy got mugged?  He lost a nickle!”

71. Have a poker party. Use chips, candy and pretzels instead of money.

– Or clothes.  Clothes are good too.

77. Go to the batting cages or play baseball in a local park.

– If I’m just gonna play with my balls, I’ll do it at home, thank you very much.

80. Start a daily journal.

– Day One: I’m really horny

Day Two: Still horny.

Day Four: Horny, but now parts of me chafe.

Day Six: Wrote a poem yesterday.  Still horny.

Day Eight: I fucking hate you, journal.

83. Play catch with water balloons in the yard or have a water balloon fight.

– Well that’s just wet t-shirt contest.

87. Build your own website.

– What?  How is “pornhub.com” already taken?

89. Surf the Internet.

– See number 87

93. Study something new.

– <Googles “tips for cunnilingus”>

94. Write a letter.

– Q.

Yeah, that really helped.

96. Clean out the basement or garage for your parents.

– My parents live several hours away.  They can clean out their own damn garages.  I want a complimentary reach-around.

101.Visit a nursing home.

– Now I’m convinced this person doesn’t know what sex OR nursing homes are.

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