About GrumpyLlama

Hi, my name is Buddy. This blog exists to let the demons out. And to show you how awesome I am. You're welcome.

Some Games Are Better Than Others

Yay!!!

Cosmo’s gotta a new “Sex Games” column out.  I’ve missed you Cosmo.  I’ve really missed you.  So here we go – “14 Totally Hot Sex Games You Need to Try.”

Raunchy Retail Therapy

Visit a sex shop or lingerie store together, and tell your partner they can pick one thing they want to see you wear, no questions as asked. Give them an allowance to spend so they stay in your budget, and because you are a grown ass woman who #TreatsHerself. Don’t let them show you what they bought until you get home from the shopping trip. Enjoy watching their jaw drop as they see you walk out in their fantasy get-up.

First of all, I searched Twitter.  There are preceisely 4 Tweets that have ever used #treatsherself.  What you mean is #treatyoself.  Stop being so lazy.  Secondly, his jaw is not going to drop because you walked out in the exact outfit he bought you.  That’s not how it works.  “Oh My Gawd, Babay!!! I can’t believe you’re wearing the outfit I bought you 20 minutes ago and that you took into the bathroom with you after telling me to lay in bed and get ready!”

XXX Marks the Spot

This is like a “guess that number” but with a spot on your body. You keep one particular spot in mind and he has to kiss every part of your body until he guesses correctly. It’s up to you if you want to be honest and tell him he hit the right spot, or let him keep guessing.
Okay.  So.  This one is fine.  Not “Totally Hot.”  But fine.  Question.  What happens when he finds the right spot?  You’re not giving us all the rules.  Is it sexy time?  Or does he go back to playing Mario Kart?

Do as I Say

Make yourself a DIY dungeon master by whipping out a feather duster and a silk tie as arm restraints. BONUS: for the entirety of your “session,” you can only use Christian’s and Ana’s quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey. He’s Ana.
<comic book store guy from The Simpsons>”Um, that’s not what a dungeon master is!</comic book store guy from The Simpsons>  And why is “session” in quotes?  Do you not mean “session?”  If not, what do you mean?  And for some practical advice, he won’t have any idea what the hell you’re talking about if you start using quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey.  And if you genuinely expect him to respond to the quotes with the correct response, well, you’re just gonna be mad.

Strip-Pong

Set up your dining room table like a beer-pong table, but skip the brew: Arrange six 16-ounce plastic cups in a triangle shape at either end of the table, and grab some ping-pong balls. You’ll stand at one end of the table, with your guy at the other. Then take turns trying to throw a ping-poll ball into the cups at the opposite end of the table from you. When one of you scores, the other has to remove that cup … and a piece of clothing. The first person to land a ball in all six cups gets to request a sexual favor of their choice.
You had me until “skip the brew.”  Which, technically, was in the first sentence, so very, very early.    And why would a person even think to remove alcohol from a sex game?  Did you even go to prom?

Pick a Card, Any Card

Start with a deck of cards and assign each suit a different sexy meaning: hearts represent kissing, diamonds equal a massage, clubs are manual stimulation, and spades mean oral. Take turns picking cards from the stack and treating each other to the sexy move you draw. The numbers on the cards represent how long you have to do each action — so if you get the nine of diamonds, he has to give you a sensual rubdown for nine seconds. If he picks the ace of clubs, you give him a one-second hand-job (boo, but hey, that’s the way the cards were dealt).
A nine second massage.  One of Cosmo’s super hot sex games includes the idea of a nine second massage.  And that’s actually one of the longest massages you might get in this game.  Also, um, aces are high, lady.  Aces are high!

Not So Fast

Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself — they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). For each correct answer, he gets to move one step closer to you; if he’s wrong, he takes a step back. Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.
First off, rename this game.  Telling your man you want to play a game called “Not So Fast” is really starting thing off on the wrong foot.  Second, he’s not going to enjoy being tested.  Here’s how it’s going to go:

Her: When did I lose my virginity?

Him:  Um….16?

Her:  No. I was 18, remember?

Him: Oh, yeah.  Okay, sure.  <takes a step back, loses erection>

Her: Okay, what was the name of my cat growing up?

Him: Jesus, babe.  I don’t-

Her: My parents just had to put to her sleep! I cried all of last week!

Him: Uh……Mr. Bojangles?

Her: What?! It was Lady Meowington! Do you ever listen to me? <starts crying>

How sexy does that sound?  Look, I’ve been married 20 years and I still break out into a cold sweat if I’m filling out an online form that asks for my wife’s birthday.  And that’s just me trying to reset her Ikea password so I can order a new Ooobbolnersin for our Skanvankatin. I can’t imagine how much stress I’d be under if it was about trying to have sex.

Seven Minutes in Heaven

Seven Minutes in Heaven is a step up from Spin the Bottle, but now that you’re not in braces in your parent’s basement, why not make it even dirtier? Set the kitchen timer for seven minutes and then hop in the coat closet together for a torrid quickie. The timer creates a sense of urgency, and the small, dark space makes it feel like you’re doing something forbidden — so hot.

At my age, it takes me longer than seven minutes to go pee.  Plus, have you seen my coat closet?

Reality Show 

You know how you and your guy watch a show together and you really want your favorite characters to have sex? Make it happen in your bed! Doing this bit of specific role play involving the characters you can’t wait to just bone already actually boning already via your boning? Perfection.

“Ok.  You be Ross and I’ll be Monica”

“Eww, they were brother and sister!”

“Stop judging me, Ross!”

“Fine, but after this, I’m Oscar the Grouch and you’re Mr. Snuffleupagus.”

“But Mr. Snuffleupagus was invisible to everybody except Big Bird.”

“I know, babe.  I know.”

Marco, Pol-Ohhhh

The classic pool game is about to get hot as hell. The next time you’re by yourselves in the water, close your eyes, then head in the direction of your guy by following the sound of his voice. Once you catch him, pull your bathing suit bottom aside and go at it.

So, I’m just supposed to stand in the pool with a raging hard-on and just hope someone finds me?  Well, that’s an interesting juxtaposition from 8th grade, when I stood in the pool with a raging hard-on and prayed no one found me.  “I know it’s adult swim time, Mr. Lifeguard!!  Can I have one fucking minute please!?!”

Dare or Dare

Play a game of Truth or Dare, with very little truth involved. Dares can include things like:

  • Talk dirty to me for 20 minutes.
  • Kiss me without using your hands to touch any other body parts (though he’ll want to).
  • Sext me while you’re at work at least once an hour. It’s up to you if you want to keep daring him, or let him take a turn at daring you.

Talk dirty to you for 20 minutes?  Lady, I gots shit to do.

Orgasm Race

Lie side-by-side naked in bed and begin pleasuring yourselves. Whoever comes first gives the other person manual or oral stimulation until they reach the finish line too. The “winner” gets to request a sexy treat next time. (Relationship bonus: Masturbating in front of each other can draw you closer — because it’s normally something you do when you’re alone, allowing another person to watch you makes you feel vulnerable, heightening the intimacy between you.)

Yes!  Looks like we are about to enter into a new era, one where I go un-de-fucking-feated!!!  A masturbation race?  Tell you what, I’ll give you ten minute head start just to so you don’t feel so bad about yourself.

This Is So Wrong

Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like:

  1. Hooking up at in your friend’s bathroom at a house party.
  2. Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.
  3. Put your hand on his crotch while you’re in a crowded elevator just to give him an idea of what you want to do later.

Alternately, put your hand on someone else’s crotch and make things really interesting.

The Mirror Game

Both of you strip down and sit facing each other on the bed. One of you begins to touch, kiss, and lick different areas of the other’s body, and the other person has to simultaneously touch, kiss, and lick that in exactly the same way as closely as possible. This is also a great way to show your partner how you like to be touched and honestly it’s hot as hell.

So…….69, then?  Ok.  But you know, you could just say it.  We’re totes cool with that.

Mystery Toy

Blindfold your guy naked on the bed and then tease him all over using a series of sexy objects — caress his penis with a silky thong or a simple feather. Have him try to guess what you’re stroking him with, and don’t move onto the next object until he gets it right.

I will only have my penis caressed with a complex feather.  What the hell is a “simple” feather, anyway?  Be ready for this game to take a while.  You may want to bring your phone.

“A pair of underwear?”

“No.”

“A tie?”

“No.”

“Your hair.”

“No.”

“A simple feather?”

“No.”

“The cat?”

“What?  No.”

“Tea cozy?”

“We don’t have a tea cozy.”

“My Limp Bizket concert tee?”

“No.  I threw that out.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“A Swiffer.”

“No.”

“Two Swiffers?”

“No.”

“A leaf?”

“No.”

“A caterpillar?”

“No.”

“Did you just dress up my penis in one of your Barbie’s sundresses?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Yes.”

National Bible Bee Game Show with Kirk Cameron? National Bible Bee Game Show with Kirk Cameron.

I don’t even know where to being.  You youngsters out there only know Kirk Cameron as the guy who did that shitty “Fireproof” movie.  But me?  I remember him when he was Mike Seaver, the lovable, devilishly handsome rogue on “Growing Pains.”  Which makes his current offering a thing of joy.

What is it?  Funny you should ask.  It’s a little thing called the “National Bible Bee Game Show.”

What is that?  Well, it seems to me it’s pretty self-explanatory, but if I must.  It’s a “game show” where kids who certainly aren’t being forced into it by their parents recite Bible verses from memory.  I am going to watch one 1 hour episode for you.  Partly because it’s 1 HOUR, but also because if I want to watch more than one episode, I have to pay, or remember to log in at 8pm on Tuesdays to Facebook LIVE watch it, and I’m not going to do either one of those things.

So here we go.  It’s episode 4 and apparently there are 4 kids, who beat the crap out of those other non-Bible memorizing dullards to get here.  For a chance to win $100,000.  Wait.  What?  A hundred grand!  I can only assume it’s coming out of Kirk’s “Growing Pains” residuals.

Ok.  There’s a live audience, because sure, and the opening clip had people doing push-ups, just like Jesus did when he was walking on water, you know, for the chicks.

There’s a host panel of 3 people.

  1.  “Nationally acclaimed entrepreneur and best-selling author, Jason Benham.”  I Googled him and his brother.  Yipes!  They live in Charlotte, NC.  Dangerously close.  Don’t tell them about this.  I don’t know what “nationally acclaimed entrepreneur ” means.
  2. “Last season’s winner of the National Bible Bee Game Show, Hannah Leary.”  Hannah is unintimidatingly attractive.  That’s all I’ve got.
  3. “And former professional athlete, and self-proclaimed better-looking twin brother, David Benham.”  They were both Minor League Baseball players.  Then they had a show on HGTV.  Then they got fired for opposing gay marriage.  And HGTV is not gonna piss off gay men, they’re 80% of House Hunters International.

The show starts with “witty ” repartee from the panel.  It is not witty, and it has the same hallmarks as “repartee” as when I am ordering food at the drive through.  It is delightfully painful to watch.  David Benham awkwardly almost hits on Hannah, finds out she’s 18, and quickly, sloppily, backtracks.  One of the hosts asks the contestants if they’re excited, three of them nod politely, one has the temerity to say “Hmm-mm” while he’s nodding.  They are Anand, Andrea, Ethan, and Carissa.  Try to guess how many non-white people are in that group.  If you guessed “1,” congratulations!!  Honestly, that was one more than I would’ve guessed.

Round one is the “Bible Knowledge Buzzer Round.”

Boom!  Ethan completes a Psalm for 200 points.

Ugh.  Carisaa shanks it on the color of the royal robes from the Book of Esther.  Someone’s getting a beating when they get back home.  Damn, now Andrea muffs it as well.  Anand and Ethan too!  Sweet damn, people. It’s a multiple choice question!  It’s blue and white!  Morons!

Scripture recitations are coming up next.

Hold on.  The “Bible Knowledge Buzzer Round” only had 2 questions?  That’s the most exciting round!  I assume!

Okay, now an interview with Anand.  His favorite person in thag;ggasfvbf;adkufvba;kdfjvbladfjvblajkfvblafkjvb.  Oops.  Sorry fell asleep on my keyboard.

And we’re back.  Dammit, Kirk Cameron is crazy, but he’s a fine looking man.  He’s now explaining how the “Scripture Recitations” round is played.  It’s not really that tricky.

Anand is up first.  Big points in play.  He gets John 2:13-22.  I’m on pins and needles here!  One of the Benham’s just said he’d like to record Anand’s reading of that passage and play it at night because it would put him to sleep.  He seems to think that is a compliment.  I am beginning to suspect he is not a very intelligent man.  So now they’re explaining what the passage meant, but meanwhile, I just want to know if he got it right!  Come on!  The people want to know!  Yes!  1000 points for Anand!  I think that’s a lot!

And now Andrea’s up.  She pulls the dreaded Psalm 16.  Ooh, she stumbles on “majestic.”  Let’s see if that costs her.  And another pause.  Rough going, Andrea.  Not a good recovery from the disaster that was the Buzzer round.  Gah.  More pontificating from the panel.  I’m not here to learn!  I’m here to mock the losers like Pope Paul II told us to!  1000 points!  Are you kidding me?  That’s a slap in the face to Anand!

OK.  Ethan’s turn.  Oh, he shoots guns off of his back porch.  That is shocking.  He pulls John 20:24-31.  Wait, he just slipped into a half-assed British accent.  What the fuck, Ethan?  Focus on the passage and not your shitty accent and you may pull this one out.  Blah-blah-blah.  He dropped an “Amen” during the blah-blahs.  Extra credit?  Hold on, I was typing.  Why the fuck are they talking about a hay bale?  900 points?!  Come on.

Let’s what Carissa can do.  Romans 5:1-11.  Carissa seems to be killing it, but she gives me the heeby-jeebies.  Her modest flannel shirt and ankle-length denim skirt only add to the creepiness of her recitation.  That smile.  The inflection.  Completely normal.  Not brainwashed.  I repeat, NOT brainwashed.  It’s possible she’s a Duggar.  1000 points!  Well-earned, Malachi!  Err, Carissa!

Ok.  There’s not a lot of Kirk Cameron in this show.  I fear I’ve been sold a bill of goods here.

Andrea’s interview.  Well, that happened.  Is her posture impeccable?  Of-fucking-course it is.  Don’t be ridiculous.

Time for the “Bible Knowledge All-Play Round.”  (Side note:should swinger’s parties just be called “All-Play Rounds?”  I’m sorry.  That’s silly.  Of course they should be.)

Score update:  Anand: 1000, Andrea: 1000, Ethan: 1100, and Carissa:1000.

The “All-Play Round” is on general Bible knowledge.

First question:  they all got it right!

This may come down to the wire.

Second question: They all nailed it again!  Whew!

Third question:  Again!  Wow!  All right!  This is a thing!

Fourth question:  What?  Again with the perfection!

Ethan’s interview.  He’s into film making.  I’m gonna assume he means recording the MILF neighbor through her blinds.  I could be wrong, but come one.

Carissa’s interview.  She wants to be a refreshment to people?  Um…….

Recitation Buzzer Round.  There’s a twist!  Um, not really.  I don’t think average schmo there knows what “twist” means.

Carissa out the gates with a big answer!  Still creepy as fuck though.  She’s totally gonna be Stage 5 clinger when she gets to college.  Calm down, I’m kidding.  There’s no way her parents are gonna let a girl get an education.  Minus 500 points!  Ouch!

Anand.  Hee-hee.  He just said, “First Peter.”  Hee-hee.  500 points with his Peter reference!

Anand again!  I don’t think the producers were prepared for a non-white to win this show.  In fact, I don’t think any of us were.  Why is this Benham dude talking about licking honey off of stuff?  Another 500 points.  Is there time for anyone to catch Anand?  Seriously.  I don’t know.  I have no idea how any of this works.

Ethan chimes in!  Fake accent again.  I’m beginning to think Andrea’s not even trying.  Now Ethan is doing an impression from Lord Of The Rings because reasons.  It’s Smeagol’s raspy growl.  I assume that’s what his MILF neighbor hears every Wednesday night from the bushes outside her window.  (Zing!)  500 points for Ethan!  He’s back in it!  I guess!!

Anand and Ethan are moving on to the semi-finals!  Yay?

 

Well, that’s an hour gone.  You’re welcome.

Why I’ll Survive The Zombie Apocalypse

  1.  Because I’ve thought about it.  Like, a lot.  I try to convince myself it’s research for a book I’ll write one day, but the truth is, I’m just a zombie nerd.  Like a huge nerd.  I own a movie called “Special Dead.”  It’s about zombies invading a camp for special needs people.  I’ve watched it.  It’s still in my collection.  But, if it ever happens, I’ve got a plan.  And because I love you guys so much, I’ll share a bit of it with you.
  2.  I’ve already said goodbye to my dog.  Don’t get me wrong.  She’s a fine dog.  Not a great dog, but a fine dog.  I’ve seen too many movies where some dipshit gets killed trying to save their dog.  That won’t be me.  I’ve even told my wife.  Zombie apocalypse = no dog.  Besides, even though my dog is a decent dog, she’s also a moron.  In the zombie apocalypse, it’ll be crucial to be able to hide from zombies, and other people.  And my dog can’t shut up long enough for that to be an option.  Hell, she barks at me when I’m mowing the grass.  I won’t have her blowing my cover.  So when it begins, I’ll take her outside and let her go.  She’s on her own.
  3.  I’m going to the beach, bitches!  Or more accurately, to Norfolk, Virginia.  By boat.  I’ll head to the nearest port, steal a boat, and head to Norfolk.  See, the Navy should be fine.  They are physically cut off from the apocalypse, and Norfolk is a huge Navy base.  I figure the fleet will head there first, and I’ll be waiting for rescue.
  4.  I know my limits.  For example, if the Navy doesn’t show, I’ll take my new boat and head to the tropics.  I’m no farmer.  I don’t know how to can or jar shit, so I need to live somewhere it’s warm all the time so the plants are always bearing fruit.
  5.  I live in America.  No, no.  Don’t get wrong.  This isn’t some “rah-rah America’s the best!” ideology.  It’s simple facts.  There are a ridiculous number of guns here, making it very easy to defend myself from zombies and mean people.  Also, the obesity problem here will come in very handy.  Zombies aren’t particularly agile creatures.  Morbidly obese zombies should be no problem to avoid.  Win-win.  America!  Fuck yeah!
  6. I’m not a moron.  I love The Walking Dead.  I really do.  But those people are all morons.  Why do they all drive pieces of shit?  That junk RV they drive everywhere?  Go get a brand new one, you idiots.  It won’t break down on you all the damn time.  All their cars are crap.  Go steal a good one, for God’s sake!  That boat I mentioned in number 3 above?  It’s going to be a nice one.  A new one.  I’m not going to bother stealing someone’s ten-year-old pontoon boat.  I’m in it for the good stuff.
  7.  I’m an introvert.  See, a lot of humans need socialization and company and can’t handle solitude.  Please.  Not having to talk to someone for days on end sound like a fucking dream vacation.  I hate people.  Which brings me to number 8.
  8.  I hate people.  But I love my family.  Which means I’ll have precisely zero problem taking out some stranger who’s threatening the survival of me and mine.  Again, too many movies where someone dies because they’re having some moral dilemma or some shit.  I do not foresee that being an issue.

That being said, I will in fact, not survive the zombie apocalypse.  And here’s why:

  1.  As I mentioned, I’m a zombie nerd.  Big time.  As a result, not only will I not survive the apocalypse, I’ll be one of the first to die.  And I’ll tell you exactly how.  When I see a small pack of zombies ambling down the street, the first thing I would do is assume it’s some great cosplayers.  I’ll hand my wife my phone and tell her to take picture.  Then, I’ll run over and put my arms around a couple of the zombies.  They, of course, will eat me.  And there’ll be photographic evidence of it.
  2.  I am blind as a bat.  Seriously.  So, if I’m wearing my contacts, I’ll have to make a special trip to my house to get my glasses.  (I told you I’ve thought about this way too much.)  Special trips increase the likelihood of my demise.  Even if I am wearing my glasses, they won’t stay on very well in combat situations and as soon as I lose/break my glasses, I’m screwed.  I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a zombie and a crepe myrtle.
  3. Camping is not my bag.  And by “Not my bag,” I mean I can’t do it.  Starting a fire without a lighter and store bought fire log.  Unlikely at best.  Sleeping on the ground?  Nope.  Here’s the problem with that.  I currently have a “Sleep Number” bed.  It is the only bed I can sleep in and be able to move in the morning.  So if I have to sleep on the ground, or hell, even someone else’s bed, I’m screwed.  I’d be physically unable to fight off zombies unless they were willing to give me an hour or two to warm up and stretch.
  4. I live in America.  We got guns!  Galore!  So even if I survive all of the above (and I won’t), I’ll definitely get shot by some idiot who thinks I’m a zombie shuffling down the street, when in reality I’ve just lost my glasses and my back is killing me from sleeping in a Ramada Inn.
  5. I hate people.  Strangers in particular.  I really, really do.  It’s going to be damn near impossible for me team up with group of people for the sake of survival.  I’ll eye-roll and “Jesus Christ” my way out of the group in under a week.

Down The Rabbit Hole

So a friend turned me on to this video:

and it is delightful.  I have no idea if it’s genuine or not, but it really doesn’t matter.  It’s old white people doing christian rap, so I love it.  I love it whether or not it’s genuine for one simple reason.  I did 13 years of Catholic school, and there, they vacillated wildly from trying desperately to relate to the youth to pretending it was still 478 A.D.  So even if if this is fake, the sentiment behind it rings true for me.  We never had Christian rap at my school, but we did have a Christian hair metal band play one time.  No, I’m being serious.  But hey, we got out of class for an hour.  And had a good laugh.  But this same school, that would do something so wild, so crazy, so utterly “relate-able” as invite in a hair metal band so we could jam for Jesus, would also tell us things like “Masturbation is a sin because it is an inherently homosexual act.”  Because you’re giving sexual pleasure to someone of the same sex, you see.

I love this video for one other reason – the old dude in the background.  Go back and watch it again.  That sum bitch is everything I want to be in my twilight years.  Every.  Damn.  Thing.

I left the video running in the background and lo and behold, the next video began to autoplay.  It was a compilation of video dating clips from the 80s.  It was at this point that I knew I’d be late picking the kids up from school.

Oh.  My.  Damn.

My favorite part is all of it.  But let’s break it down anyway.

  1.  Little known fact, you had to get an exemption from the federal government to not have a sweet ass mustache in the 80s.  True story.
  2. Jeez, man.  You can’t go from Maurice to Monroe with no segue!
  3. Big Phil?  Big Phil.  Big?  Phil?
  4. Mother Fuckin’ Fred! Showing up to record his video dressed like a fucking Viking!  Tell you what, Fred, you can pillage my nether regions any time you like.  Fred’s my favorite.
  5. Scratch that.  Sorry Fred.  Well, hello Mike!  That hair!  That glorious hair!
  6. Another 80s fact.  Sweaters!
  7. This video does help explain Adrian Zmed.
  8. “I’m not looking for some big, overgrown monster who’s always thinking about food.”  Guess he should fast forward past Mike as well.
  9. Wait.  Did that son of a bitch just quote the bible?  In a dating video?  The 80s were cray, man.
  10. “I took a sponge ball…was pulling them out of a little girl’s ear…”  Is someone keeping track of this guy?  I’m being serious here.
  11. Holding a rose while wearing fingerless leather gloves.  Can men ovulate?  Because I just did.  Call me goddess one more time, Mario, I assume.
  12. “I’m a 25 year subscriber to both Playboy and the New Yorker magazine.”  Hey, all I hear is financial stability and a guy who knows what he likes – softcore porn and political cartoons he pretends to understand.
  13. “At night, I operate a damsel-in-distress hotline.”  I have never in my life needed further explanation more than I do right now.
  14. Took a lot longer for the first Member’s Only jacket to make an appearance than I would have guessed.
  15. “No fatties, no hamsters.”  Wait.  What the fuck is a hamster?  Does he mean actual hamsters?  Is hamster his slang for something?   What the fuck could a hamster be?  They’re small and furry.  Is he talking about Kourtney Kardashian?  Is he a time traveler?
  16. “No Donna Juanitas.”  This dude is killing me.  But he does have a good point.  I personally have dated seven Donna Juanitas and they were all mucho crazy.
  17. “I like to wear bright socks, and I’m an avid Cleveland Browns fan.”  Aww, dude, don’t admit that.  The Browns?
  18. “I’m interested in most phases of data processing.”  Most phases.  Not all, though.  That’d be weird.
  19. Fred re-appears!  And man, did he bring the crazy eyes.  My panties are still moist, though.  Dammit, Fred, I just can’t quit you.

 

Okay, now I have to go do something, I guess.

Jesus Is Totes Cool With Doggy Style, You Guys

In my never-ending search for stuff to make fun of, I ran across christianfriendlysexpositions.com.  That’s right, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.  Dot com.  I probably would have gone with a .edu, but that’s just me.  Christian Friendly Sex Positions hails itself as the “#1 clean sex positions resource.”  I couldn’t find out whom #2 might be, probably have to check Mitch McConnell’s browser history for that one.  (Zing!  See, I can do political stuff, too.)

Like any rational person, I had to ask myself, what the actual fuck is a Christian friendly sex position?   Is it anything where you can watch Kirk Cameron’s “Fireproof” while you’re doing it?  Or more importantly, what are the non-Christian friendly positions?  Because, let’s face it, those are probably more fun.  Turns out, those are the guy-guy and girl-girl positions.

Also, it’s important to note that their sex positions “are described in a Christian-friendly way” and “are described using easy-to-follow descriptive text written in a marriage-centered way.”

O-kay.

AND they’re presented with totally non-offensive illustrations.  The names alone are simply wonderful, and quite frankly, I am mad I didn’t come up with them.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Let’s start with the “Are Those Colored Contacts?”  Yep.  Here it is. Are Those Colored Contacts Sex Position Illustration

I really, really want to know the story behind that name.


Or how about the “Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Breakfast At Tiffany's Cunnilingus Position Illustration

Oh I get it!


Or the always popular, “Cather in the Pie.

Cather In the Pie Sex Position Illustration

I’m not gonna lie, I only clicked on that one because I thought it said, “Catheter in the Pie” and I wanted to see how that got illustrated.


Maybe try the, “Chimney Sweep.

Chimney Sweep Sex Position Illustration

Nevermind.  If it doesn’t involve me wearing a top hat and calling my wife “Guv’ner,” I’m out.


How about the “Cinema Stroke?”

Cinema Stroke Fellatio Position Illustration

I’m not even gonna tell you what it is.  That illustration is awesome.


Um, the “Doctor Scholl’s Day Off?”

Dr Scholls Day Off Sex Position-illustration

I got nothin’.


How ’bout the old “Dublin Shuffle?”

As popularized by St. Patrick?


Let’s try the “Ear Muffs.”

Ear Muffs Cunnilingus Position Illustration

Gah!  What the hell is going on?  I think I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.


Or the “Edward Scissorlegs.”

Edward Scissorlegs Sex Position Illustration

That’s a damn suplex!  I know I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.


Let’s just go with the “Foot in Mouth.”  Seems pretty straight forward.

Foot In Mouth Sex Position Illustration

Or not.


The “Glowing Triangle,” perhaps?

Glowing Triangle Sex Position Illustration

I don’t think that’s how you do sex…


Ah yes, the old “Grinding the Corn.”

Grinding the Corn Sex Position Illustration

Um….how is that not missionary?  Are they laying on dried corn to make corn meal?  Great, now I want corn bread.  Thanks a lot, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.


Let’s move on to the “I’ll Be Back.”

I'll Be Back Sex Position Illustration

So it has nothing to do with “The Terminator?”  Next.


The “In Her Face?”

In Her Face Fellatio Position Illustration

Yeah.  Well.  That pretty much sums it up, alright.


Or the racist “Indian Headstand.”

Indian Headstand Sex Position Illustration

That is neither Indian, nor a Headstand.


The “Lamaze Coach?”

Lamaz Coach Sex Position Illustration

What kind of Lamaze coach did these people have?


I am definitely trying the “Licking the Flag Pole.”

Licking the Flag Pole Cunnilingus Position Illustration

That was not what I was expecting.


Maybe try the “Magic Mountain.”

Magic Mountain Sex Position Illustration

More like “Magic Mountin’,” am I right?


The “No Elbows On The Table?”

No Elbows On the Table Sex Position Illustration

Well, shit.  If I’d have known etiquette school was like that, I’d have gone.


Or the “Packing the Suitcase.”

Packing the Suitcase Sex Position Illustration

How is this one NOT butt stuff?  It’s called “Packing the Suitcase!”


Well, I didn’t expect to see this one here.  “Peg.”

Peg Sex Position Illustration

Yeah.  That is not pegging.  No, you Google it.


Moving on.  The “Perpen-Dic-Ular.”

Perpen-Dic-Ular Sex Position Illustration

Wait.  Why did they spell it like that?


Um, the “Restaurant Attendant?”

Restaurant Attendant Sex Position Illustration

For when the wait list is really long?


Go for the “Sidekick.”

Sidekick Sex Position Illustration

Oh.  I thought it’d be where you have a friend who’s not quite as good at sex as you are tag in once in a while so you can catch your breath.


Or the “Southern Exposure.”

Southern Exposure Fellatio Position Illustration

“Getting Into the Southern Exposure Fellatio Position:

  1. The husband lies on his back with a pillow under his head.
  2. He brings his knees up to his chest and spreads his legs a little.
  3. His wife kneels before him.

How it’s done: The wife stimulates her husband with her mouth.”

I guess they “accidentally” left out the part about her pinky in your butt.


Then there’s the “Super 8.”

Super 8 Sex Position Illustration

<rodney dangerfield> Hey! If I had a “Super 8” I wouldn’t be looking at sex positions on the internet! </rodney dangerfield>


Under The Cuckoo’s Nest

Under the Cuckoos Nest Cunnilingus Position Illustration

If you’re calling it the “cuckoo’s nest,” maybe buy her a trimmer for Valentine’s Day.  Just sayin’.

Farewell, Mrs. Brady

With the sad news of the passing of Florence Henderson – who played Carol Brady, my 3rd favorite TV mom behind Ann Romano and Alice Hyatt (don’t judge me) – I feel I had to find a way to pay homage to her work.

But then I remembered I don’t do “homage.”   So, in lieu of an homage, I’d like to put forth ideas for Brady Bunch episodes I wish had been.

“Shovels Ahoy!”  –  Jan is (finally) learning how to drive.  But one day, she takes the car without permission to go to a boy’s house!  As luck would have it, she hits a hobo on her way back home and pulls into the driveway with his corpse sticking out the windshield.  Can the kids all band together and get the body buried before Carol and Mike get back from the farmer’s market?

“The Doctor Is In”   After he walks in on Greg doing some under-the-shirt-over-the-bra stuff with the class slut, Bobby decides that he and Cindy should play “doctor” to see what all the fuss is about.  Mike walks in on them in the laundry room and beats them both with his belt until he sprains his wrist.  But the wrist sprain nearly costs him a big job when he can’t complete the drawings in time.  Looks like everyone learned a lesson this week!

“A Little Case of the Sniffles” –  Between baseball, school work, and his paper route, Peter has bitten off more than he can chew.  So like any 12-year-old, he starts doing cocaine.  Gobs and gobs of cocaine.  His dealer fronts him “enough to get him through regionals” but when Bobby can’t pay, he gets beaten after school.  His only solution is to steal money from Alice’s purse.  As he rifles through it though, he finds her .38 special.  When he goes to meet up with his dealer, he puts three slugs in the guy’s chest.

“A Swinging Good Time” –  Familiarity (and six frigging kids) have taken their toll on Mike and Carol’s intimacy.  They find the solution when the new neighbors invite them over for a key party.  Their new found zest for living backfires however, when Marsha and her boyfriend show up at a swingers’ party Mike and Carol are hosting at the local adult theater.  Mike sees Marsha from across the room, but before he can get to Carol, he finds that the boyfriend is next in line at her glory hole.  Oops!

“The Over/Under” –  Sam the Butcher’s shop is having a rough go.  A new “supermarket” has moved in around the corner and is stealing his business.  To help make ends meet, Alice starts running an illegal sports book out of the Brady’s house.  Everything’s going great until a huge upset in the World Series leaves her over-extended.  In order to pay off the bets, she and Sam burn his shop to the ground for the insurance money.

“Welcome Back” – Things get tricky when Carol’s husband comes back from the dead.  Turns out, he’d faked his death to get away from the suffocating responsibility of three daughters.  He threatens to weasel his way back into the girl’s lives unless Carol gives him $250,000 in cash.  Mike says they don’t have that kind of money, but Carol confesses.  She and her ex had stolen almost half a million from a Moroccan drug dealer when they were on their honeymoon.  The money is stashed under the dog house.  They pay him off and he disappears before the girls suspect anything.

“Candid Camera” – Suspicions arise when Cindy comes home one day with a brand new bike.  Peter figures something is up when she buys a new pair of roller skates a week later.  He corners her that evening, holding the red hot poker from the fire place an inch from her eye until she confesses.  She’s been taking naked polaroid pictures of Jan and Marsha and selling them to the boys at school.  Peter says he wants in on the action.  Cindy agrees and tells him she has a big order from the glee club who are looking for pictures of Greg in the shower.  When he tries to get the pics, he drops the camera in the toilet.  Oh, Peter!

“Kidney Pie” –  Greg’s band, “Brownie and the Po-Boys,” book a gig at a bar in Tijuana.  Mike and Carol refuse to let him go and he moves out of his sweet pad over the garage and onto Big Papa’s (the bassist) couch.  They go to the gig anyway and Greg starts doing tequila shots after the show with one of the local girls.  The rest of the band wants to leave but Greg refuses, sensing that he is about to get lucky.  An argument ensues that results with Greg staying in Tijuana with the local girl, slamming shot after shot.  The next day, he wakes up in an ice-filled bathtub missing a kidney.  He’s forced to call Mike and Carol who give him a big fat “told ya so.”

Cosmo, why hath thou forsaken me?!

Well, now that it appears Cosmopolitan Magazine is out of the horrible sex advice business, I’ve had to look elsewhere.  Luckily, we live in the golden age of the internet, where just about any idiot can have his own website.

Wait a minute…..

And that’s the story of how I stumbled upon this little article, “33 Seriously Naughty Questions That’ll Turn You BOTH On.”  Oh yeah, now we’re talking.  You can tell it’ll be quite ribald because it says the questions are seriously naughty, naughty enough to turn on both the asker AND the askee!  Let’s do this!

(Sidenote: starting a “naughty session” with a guy by saying “Um, I have a question” is NOT the way to go.  But let’s see how this plays out.)

1. When is the last time you’ve had a dream about me?

“Oh, all the time, babe!  All the time.  I never dream about your sister.  Swear to God!”

2. If I could only wear yoga pants or short skirts for the rest of my life, what would you choose for me?

“Yoga pants.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Cuz if all you wear is short skirts, you’d never shut up about being cold.”

3. Guess what color underwear I’m wearing?

“That’s not a question.  Putting a question mark at the end of an imperative sentence doesn’t make it a question.”

4. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?

“Stabbed a hobo in Lubbock for $300 bucks.  Is that the seriously naughty question?”

5. What’s your most hardcore fantasy?

Him: “Oh, I don’t know, babe…”

Her: “Come on.  If you don’t tell me, it’ll never come true.”

Him: “I really don’t-”

Her: “Don’t you love me?”

Him: <sigh>  “Fine.  I’m tied up on the bed…”

Her:”Ooh, I like where this is going.”

Him: “Mmm-hmm.  And you’re doing a little strip tease…”

Her: “Go on…”

Him: “And just as you get naked, your friends, who are they, Bethany and Crystal?  The ones we met at the James Blunt concert you made me go to?”

Her: “You mean, Heather and Tina?”

Him: “Sure.  Anyway, they come in, and you all wrestle to see who gets to give me the first blow job.  Well, obviously, it ends in a tie and you all have to blow me at the same time.  Then, while I’m recharging, you three go at it and I watch.  Then, Heather takes a – Hey, where you going, babe?  Babe?”

6. Have you ever said someone else’s name during sex, instead of the girl you were with?

“I have a strict policy of only saying my own name during sex.  You know that.”

7. What’s the most sensitive part of your body?

“My heart.  Definitely my heart.  Oh, and my taint.  Stop ignoring that, please.”

8. Have you ever dated two girls at the same time?

“Not same time enough, if you know what I mean.  What?  Why do you keep leaving?”

9. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

“No, dammit.”

10. Have you ever had sex outside?

“Sure.  I refuse to take my slumpbusters home.  I’m not an idiot.”

11. Have you ever used a sex toy in bed?

“Freshman year of high school I fucked the arm pit of a Teddy Ruxpin.  Does that count?”

12. When was the last time you masturbated?

“Well, it wasn’t 20 minutes ago, I can tell you that!”

13. If you could only have one type of sex for the rest of your life, what would you choose: oral, anal or regular?

“Anal.”

“You only get to pick one – ”

“Anal.”

“I mean, for the rest of your whole – ”

“Anal.”

14. Hair down there or all bare?

“Me or you?”

15. What’s your favorite sex position when I’m on top?

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“What about when – ”

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“But if we – ”

“Reverse.  Cowgirl.”

16. What’s your favorite position when you’re on top?

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“That’s not – ”

“Reverse.  Cowgirl.”

17. Do you prefer me wearing makeup or none at all?

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“That wasn’t even the question.  Would you please stop watching football?”

18. Do you sleep in pajamas, underwear or nothing at all?

“We’ve been dating for over a year and you don’t know this one?”

19. If you could only ever sleep with one celebrity, who would you choose?

“Will Ferrel.  That’s a funny mother fucker.”

“I said, sleep with.”

“I’ve made my choice.”

20. Have you ever felt jealous when you saw me talking to another guy?

“I feel like you want me to say yes.”

“I want you to be honest.”

“Do you? Cause we tried that with the question about my fantasy – why do you keep leaving?!”

21. Would you be angry if you saw me making out with a really hot girl?

“Oh, hell no!  In fact, I’m down for anyone above a 6.”

22. Of all the things I’ve done with you in the bedroom, what’s your favorite?

“Remember when you let me sleep in the day after the Super Bowl?  Babe!  Babe, I’m kidding!”

23. Have you ever woken up beside someone you regretted sleeping with?

<muttering> “I’m beginning to regret…”

“What’s that?”

“Not that I can think of.”

24. What’s more important … boobs or butt?

“I feel like we covered this one already.”

“We’re not doing butt stuff!”

“Then why do you keep bringing it up?!”

25. If you could choose between me being slightly overweight or slightly underweight, which would you choose?

<feigns a stroke>

26. Have you ever woken the neighbors because you were so loud in the bedroom?

“Yeah, when I was putting together a new dresser from Ikea!  Hi-yo!”  <swings invisible golf club>  “Seriously, babe, if you keep walking off, you’re gonna hit your FitBit goal in, like, no time.”

27. Have you read 50 Shades Of Grey? If so, did it turn you on?

“Well, as I am not a bored suburban housewife, no I did not.”

28. Have you ever had sex in public?

“I got a handjob in the undercarriage of a parade float once.  Does that count?”

“I guess.  Wait, when was this?”

“Long time ago, babe.”

“Who was it?”

“Nope.”

29. Do you like it when I’m the dominant one in bed or do you prefer leading things?

“Damn right I do!”

“Turn off the fucking TV!”

30. Have you ever had anal sex? How did it go?

“It’s like you’re not even paying attention.”

31. When was the last time you went to a strip club?

<shudders>  “Eww!  A strip club?  No thank you!”

“It’s okay if you’ve been to strip club…”

“Nope.”

32. Do you think you could give me an orgasm by only touching my breasts and kissing me? Would you like to try?

<begins taking his shirt off> “Now we’re talking!”

“No!  We’re just asking questions right now!”

33. Do my feet turn you on?

<puts shirt back on>

 

I don’t know about you guys, but I am REALLY turned on right now!

Story Time

The thing is, writing a novel is hard.  Like, really hard.  I’ve written 5.  Not 5 good ones,  mind you.  Good ones must be really, super hard to write.  When I finished my last one, I decided to go ahead and take a couple of creative writing classes, and now I know just how not good my last novel was.  So that feels nice.

One day, the lovely Mrs. Grumpy says to me, “You should write stuff for kids.”  So the other day, after I decided to take a break from trying to gather up the emotional strength needed to start a complete re-write of my last book, I thought I’d give it a go, this writing for kids thing.  Below is what I came up with.  Enjoy.

 

Squirrel Takes The Lead

Possum ran over and grabbed Squirrel’s hopscotch stone, which had just landed in the “10” square, and threw it over the hedge.

“Stop it, Possum!”  Squirrel said.

But Possum didn’t stop.  He kicked Rabbit’s stone, and Raccoon’s too.

“Possum!” they all cried.  But Possum just smiled.

So Squirrel and Rabbit and Raccoon ran off.  Possum was mean, but they were fast.

They ran to their favorite tree and stopped to rest.  Rabbit started singing her favorite song.  Raccoon and Squirrel joined in.

A few minutes later, Possum came down the path and started singing too.  But he sang a different song, and he sang it way too loudly!

“Stop it, Possum!”  Squirrel said.

But Possum sang even louder.

“Possum!” Rabbit and Raccoon cried out together.

But Possum just smiled.

So Rabbit and Raccoon and Squirrel ran off again, this time to the creek.  They dove in and laughed.  The grabbed great scoopfuls of mud and caked it on themselves, making sure they didn’t miss a spot.

Just then, Possum came out from behind a tree.  “Whatcha doin’?” he asked.

“Playing ‘Predator,'” Squirrel said.

“It’s my favorite movie!” Raccoon said.

Possum stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry.  “‘Commando’ was better,” he said.

“Possum!” screamed Rabbit and Squirrel and Raccoon.  And they ran off again.

Possum caught up to them as they waited to cross the road that divided the woods.

“Even ‘Kindergarten Cop’ was better than ‘Predator,'” he said with a smile.

Rabbit and Squirrel and Raccoon looked both ways, and when it was clear, they started across the road.  This time, Possum kept up.

“Heck,” Possum said.  “At least play ‘Terminator!'”

Squirrel turned suddenly and threw herself at Possum, grabbing him by the throat.  “Shut up, you punk-ass Possum!” she screamed.

Possum did as possums do.  He froze in his tracks and fell over in the middle of the road.

“I’m going to play,” Squirrel said to Rabbit and Raccoon.

A truck rumbled around the bend in the road.

“We can’t just leave him,” Raccoon said, pointing at the truck heading toward them.

“I’m going to play,” Squirrel said coldly.

And that is exactly what she did.

The End

Not too shabby for a first try, don’t you think?

Boyfriend Material

So Cosmo’s been really slack about providing me good stuff to make fun.  It’s really quite selfish of them.  But they’ve bounced back a bit with this article:  “25 Signs He’ll Be A Good Boyfriend.”  On the plus side, none of these signs included “having a lot of money” or “being well-endowed,” so I still have a chance at being a good boyfriend.  I just don’t think my wife would like it….

 

1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup. 

“Hey, Babe.  What happened with Becky?  They broke up?!  Oh no!  Was it cause she won’t do threesomes?  Or better yet, because she wants a threesome and he wouldn’t go for it?  Even if she’s just down for a devil’s threeway?  What?  Why are you mad?  I’m just asking about your friend….”

2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, “Do you think that went well?” 

“Sooooo, that Becky’s pretty cool, huh?  Yeah…..so like……are she and what’s his name still broken up?”

3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn’t sigh and roll his eyes because you’re “complaining again.” If he can’t sit through a five-minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won’t be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong. 

Yeah, because listening to someone bitch for the thousandth about how fucking Roger in Accounting won’t refill the coffee pot when takes he last the cup means they won’t be there when an actual, for real problem arises.

4. He’s polite to waiters and cashiers, and doesn’t do that awful thing where you yell, “CHECK, PLEASE,” across the restaurant. 

Don’t date an asshole.  Got it.  Thanks, Cosmo.  You’re real fucking helpful.

5. He doesn’t desert you at his friends’ parties. It’s OK for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it’s not OK for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.

Hey, maybe you should find out what Chad’s been going through before you get mad about this.  Maybe Chad just lost his job and his fiancé dumped him for her Guatemalan yoga instructor.  I mean, probably not.  Chad’s probably just talking about the time that cougar gave him a handjob in the TGI Friday’s bathroom.  Classic Chad!  But still, you don’t know.

6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn’t say anything when you “accidentally” eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, (“You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice“) then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance. 

Okay, when did fucking Drake become the go to reference source for what love looks like.  Also, who is this Drake fellow?  Is he one of the those hippity-hop people the kids are always talking about?  And if so, is it safe to assume he fucked Kim Kardashian?  (She’s still a thing, right?)  Plus, pizza comes in even numbered slices.  Always.  So you will each have the same number of pieces.  Every time.  It’s simple fucking math, people.

7. He doesn’t manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world. 

Look, if you’re going to use a term that doesn’t actually mean what you are implying it means, use fucking quotes.  Like this, “He doesn’t “manspread” across…”  Because “manspread” refers to a man who spreads his legs unnecessarily wide in order to take up more room on a bus or train seat.

8. He’s genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he’s excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.

Ha!  All he heard was that you had a story about something crazy you did in the back seat of a van.  That look on his a face is disappointment.

9. He doesn’t get upset when you say you need some alone time. 

Well, since he uses the phrase “alone time” to mean watching porn and masturbating, he’s gonna assume you mean the same thing, so now he’s using his “alone time” to masturbate to the thought of you watching porn and masturbating.  Oh, did I just ruin something for you?

10. He never says things like, “You’re being crazy,” or, “You’re being ridiculous.” 

But what if you actually are being crazy?  “No, Beth, I can assure your cat is not Hitler reincarnated.  Your cat’s just an asshole.  You’re being crazy.”  Or what if you are being ridiculous?  “What?  You think I have a crush on Becky?  The one with the great rack, 3 gigs of lesbian porn on her laptop and an ass I’d like to wear as a hat?  You’re being ridiculous, babe!”

11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don’t want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he’s attracted to you.

So, once again, no assholes?  Ok!  Thanks again, Cosmo!  <sprains eyeball tendon rolling eyes>

12. He has female friends who aren’t just a collection of women who’ve seen his penis before. 

Or maybe he’s just a champ at getting friendzoned!  Also, there’s no way you’ll ever get suspicious of how much he talks to Jessica.  “We’re just friends, sweetie!  (Until she lets me touch her butt.)  You’re being ridiculous!”

13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would. 

Like, REALLY excited….

“Have you ever heard of an ‘Eiffel Tower?’  Yeah, I had to look it up too, after Jason told me about it.  You remember Jason, right babe?”

14. You don’t find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends. 

Gah.  Like you didn’t have your phone on you while you were out with your girlfriends.  “I was so worried, I had to sext – err, text – Becky to make sure you were okay!”

15. He doesn’t try to act hard and pretend he doesn’t have feelings when he’s around you. Mature adults shouldn’t be afraid to say things like, “I like you,” or, “I think you’re really cool.”

“I think you’re really cool.”   Mature adults don’t say that.  I mean, I say it, but I have the emotional IQ of the average 8th grader, so I’m not a good litmus test.

16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss went.

“How’d the meeting go?”

“Good, thanks.  I think we’ve got a really good plan-”

<dick pic>

17. He doesn’t rush you out the door when you’re trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn’t shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That’s rude.

I fell asleep reading this one.  Three times.

18. When he screws up, he’s quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half.

The general rule is to let someone stew for 2-3 days, max.  Duh….  Typically over the Call of Duty Double XP weekend.

19. And when you screw up, he doesn’t hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd. 

Fucking Todd.

But now I want to know what Todd did to this writer to make his name come up.  I bet he started rumors about her after she wouldn’t let him do any under-the-shirt-over-the-bra stuff at the Sadie Hawkin’s dance.

Fucking Todd.

20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a prepackaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast. 

“You wanted me to have outside hobbies, babe!  My hobby just happens to Becky!  Bendy, bendy Becky……. This is on you, really.”

Also, what the actual fuck is a “prepackaged boyfriend?”  Seriously, I’m trying to figure it out…

21. When you’re hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it’s just the near future.  

<cough> Butt stuff <cough>

22. He doesn’t immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend’s backyard. 

I bet it was Fucking Todd again.  Take the hint, Todd!

23. He sends a “Hey, I had a lot of fun” text after hanging out with you. 

Bonus points if he wrote “Hey, I had a lot of fun” on his dick and sent you a pic.  How romantic is that?

(Update:  According to my wife just now, not very romantic.  Sidenote, anyone know how to get Sharpie off of your….um…..person?)

24. He’s clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in “Is he a hookup or a boyfriend?” limbo for forever. 

His intentions remain getting you and Becky to agree to a threeway.  Men really aren’t that hard to understand.

25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes.

You do know that getting “excited about showing you things he likes” means you’re about to watch his porn collection, right?  Some he stars in, some he just uses for “research purposes.”  Also, probably some nudes of Becky.

What Would Jesus Do

I tried you guys.  I really did.  I like to to think I make fun of everyone pretty equally.  So, in the spirit of fairness, I spent way too much time looking for sex advice from other religions.  I’ve done Christian sex advice, so naturally, I should make fun of other religions who feel the need to dabble in sex advice.

Guess what?  They don’t.  Seriously.  I Googled “Jewish sex adivce,” “Jewish sex tips,” “Hindu sex advice,” (this did come up with the Kama Sutra, but that’s allowed – don’t judge me, my blog, my rules), “Buddhist sex tips,” and even “Muslim sex advice.”  I’m sure that last one landed me on some list, somewhere.  I can just imagine some low-level NSA staffer having to include that in his daily report.  I’m supposed to take a trip in July, so we’ll see if I make it on the plane.  I can’t wait to explain to my wife that I can’t go on vacation with the family because I just had to find out what the Koran said about nipple clamps.

I think maybe the bigger question is what compels Christians, and seemingly only Christians, to try to bookend their sex lives by way of a 2000 year old religious text.  (Sidenote:  Doesn’t “Bookend” feel like it’s an “Eiffel Tower” but for Francophobes.  “Fine, Sue Ellen, me and Trevor will double-team you, but there’s no way we’re calling it an Eiffel Tower!  America!”)  Now, I don’t like to brag, but I read the Bible as much as I was required to – spoiler alert – Jesus dies – so I think I can safely say that Jesus was a tad more concerned with people not being assholes to each other than he was with what people did to each others’ assholes.  But I digress.

On one site, I found this:

I got a question topic for you …and would like you to have a topic about it…pegging…where the wife does the husband. …I like woman’s point of view of it….maybe some husbands. …I’ll give ya time to look into study what does it do for the woman maybe letting her [dominate]. The wife giving the love, the husband receiving it.

Haha.  Sounds to me like a certain hubby is fishing for approval.  For those of you who who are reading this site and don’t know what pegging is, well, you’re my mom.  Hi, Mom!  But what does Jesus say about pegging?  Let’s find out!

Unsurprisingly, the Christian writer doesn’t think JC would be into pegging.  Because, “Romans 1:27 says, “In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed shameful acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.” Those “shameful acts” certainly had to include anal sex with one another. Having that same kind of sex with a man-shaped object (dildo or strap-on) appears to be a substitute, even if your wife is the one doing it. And the Bible clearly is opposed.”  Wait.  Why did those “shameful acts…certainly include anal sex with each other?”  Maybe they were just binge watching Katherine Heigl movies.  Talk about shameful.

Then there’s the post “Top Ten Things I Want To Teach My Teens About Sex.”  Mostly boring, not surprisingly.  But I found this one funny.

3. Pregnancy and STDs aren’t the only consequences for premarital sex or promiscuity.

“These concerns get drilled into teens’ heads so much. Many believe the worst, or only, consequences of having sex before marriage or having multiple partners is unwanted pregnancy or contracting an STD.

Yes, kids, those things could happen, but the scars left on your heart, the disruption to your future marital happiness, the disobedience to God—these matter so much.”

“Sorry, Melanie.  We can’t have sex tonight, my previous disobedience to God and the disruption to future marital happiness are flaring up again.  Oops, my bad.  I meant herpes.  My herpes is flaring up again.”

4. Birth control is not 100% effective.

But anal is.  But guess where the Christian sex blogger lands on anal sex.  (Editor’s note:  Do NOT land anal sex, ease onto it.  (Hi-yo!))

5. Sex is more than intercourse.

Sex is the whole kit-and-caboodle. If you’re getting the least bit naked to do something with someone, welcome to the world of sex.

Well, that is great news!  Since I sleep, “au naturel,” I guess I am having tons of sex!  Yay me!

6. “How far is too far?” is the wrong question.

However, that’s the question youth workers hear again and again when the topic of sex is brought up with teens. Teens want to know where the line is—how far can they go without sinning or risking consequences. It’s basically, “What can I get away with?” Which is not the attitude God wants us to have toward Him or His gift of sexual intimacy.

Rather, we should ask, “How can I honor God when it comes to sexual intimacy?” Framing it that way, some of our nitpicking questions simply go away, and it becomes clearer what we should and shouldn’t do.

So remember kids, when you’re getting hot and heavy in the back of your boyfriend’s Honda Pilot, ask yourself, “Would I be honoring God if I gave Tony a complimentary reach around?  Especially after he just spent the last half hour almost finding my clitoris?”  That of course, is between you and the Lord.

8. The Bible has a lot to say about sexuality.

“Blah blah blah.  So if you want to know the real deal about how we should approach sexuality, read the Bible.”

Really?  Cuz I must’ve missed those parts.  I am sure they are talking about the “Song Of Solomon” which nuns everywhere will swear is positively RIBALD!  Much in the same way the Shakespeare will have you ROFLOLing!!!  “Get it!  Juliet will fall forwards when she is older because she’ll have gigantic boobs!  Hahahahaha!  Get it!  He is so funny!”  No.  Song of Solomon is not ribald.  No, Shakespeare is not hysterical.  Shut up.

9. More sex happens in marriage than outside it.

– Okay.  Probably true.  But then they add, “I love what one newlywed man told our youth group: “I’m having lots of sex now, and I never, ever think, ‘Man, I wish I’d had sex back in high school.’”  Bullshit.  Bull.  Shit.  Did I mention, bullshit?

In the comments, I found this gem:  “Remember, unless and until you are married, whatever you are doing is possibly with someone else’s future spouse. Show them the respect you hope your own future spouse is also being shown. ”  Well, since they divorce rate is 50%, there’s a pretty good chance that whatever you’re doing with your current spouse, you are also doing with someone else’s future spouse.  So……

 

And this one:  “Nice angle! Thanks, Emily.”  Heehee, “Nice angle! Thanks, Emily” is what you say when Emily does reverse cowgirl.

And this:  “I also want to teach my future teens how to chart their cycles so they can use fertility charting once married and ditch the chemical contraceptives.”  True story, when I was in high school, we had a good, married Catholic couple come talk to us about this charting bullshit.  Someone asked them how many kids they had – 2.  Then someone asked how many were planned – 0. So yeah, keep using that method.

Not to mention: “Singles need to recognize their drive and feelings, but then channel their energy in other ways, saving the moment they can “enjoy the dish,” so to speak, until marriage.”  Hey, Lisa, I know you’re so horny you’re going cross-eyed, so let’s crochet!