In my never-ending search for stuff to make fun of, I ran across christianfriendlysexpositions.com. That’s right, Christian Friendly Sex Positions. Dot com. I probably would have gone with a .edu, but that’s just me. Christian Friendly Sex Positions hails itself as the “#1 clean sex positions resource.” I couldn’t find out whom #2 might be, probably have to check Mitch McConnell’s browser history for that one. (Zing! See, I can do political stuff, too.)
Like any rational person, I had to ask myself, what the actual fuck is a Christian friendly sex position? Is it anything where you can watch Kirk Cameron’s “Fireproof” while you’re doing it? Or more importantly, what are the non-Christian friendly positions? Because, let’s face it, those are probably more fun. Turns out, those are the guy-guy and girl-girl positions.
Also, it’s important to note that their sex positions “are described in a Christian-friendly way” and “are described using easy-to-follow descriptive text written in a marriage-centered way.”
AND they’re presented with totally non-offensive illustrations. The names alone are simply wonderful, and quite frankly, I am mad I didn’t come up with them.
Let’s explore, shall we?
Let’s start with the “Are Those Colored Contacts?” Yep. Here it is.
I really, really want to know the story behind that name.
Or how about the “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”
Oh I get it!
Or the always popular, “Cather in the Pie.”
I’m not gonna lie, I only clicked on that one because I thought it said, “Catheter in the Pie” and I wanted to see how that got illustrated.
Maybe try the, “Chimney Sweep.”
Nevermind. If it doesn’t involve me wearing a top hat and calling my wife “Guv’ner,” I’m out.
How about the “Cinema Stroke?”
I’m not even gonna tell you what it is. That illustration is awesome.
Um, the “Doctor Scholl’s Day Off?”
I got nothin’.
How ’bout the old “Dublin Shuffle?”
As popularized by St. Patrick?
Let’s try the “Ear Muffs.”
Gah! What the hell is going on? I think I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.
Or the “Edward Scissorlegs.”
That’s a damn suplex! I know I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.
Let’s just go with the “Foot in Mouth.” Seems pretty straight forward.
The “Glowing Triangle,” perhaps?
I don’t think that’s how you do sex…
Ah yes, the old “Grinding the Corn.”
Um….how is that not missionary? Are they laying on dried corn to make corn meal? Great, now I want corn bread. Thanks a lot, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.
Let’s move on to the “I’ll Be Back.”
So it has nothing to do with “The Terminator?” Next.
The “In Her Face?”
Yeah. Well. That pretty much sums it up, alright.
Or the racist “Indian Headstand.”
That is neither Indian, nor a Headstand.
The “Lamaze Coach?”
What kind of Lamaze coach did these people have?
I am definitely trying the “Licking the Flag Pole.”
That was not what I was expecting.
Maybe try the “Magic Mountain.”
More like “Magic Mountin’,” am I right?
The “No Elbows On The Table?”
Well, shit. If I’d have known etiquette school was like that, I’d have gone.
Or the “Packing the Suitcase.”
How is this one NOT butt stuff? It’s called “Packing the Suitcase!”
Well, I didn’t expect to see this one here. “Peg.”
Yeah. That is not pegging. No, you Google it.
Moving on. The “Perpen-Dic-Ular.”
Wait. Why did they spell it like that?
Um, the “Restaurant Attendant?”
For when the wait list is really long?
Go for the “Sidekick.”
Oh. I thought it’d be where you have a friend who’s not quite as good at sex as you are tag in once in a while so you can catch your breath.
Or the “Southern Exposure.”
“Getting Into the Southern Exposure Fellatio Position:
- The husband lies on his back with a pillow under his head.
- He brings his knees up to his chest and spreads his legs a little.
- His wife kneels before him.
How it’s done: The wife stimulates her husband with her mouth.”
I guess they “accidentally” left out the part about her pinky in your butt.
Then there’s the “Super 8.”
<rodney dangerfield> Hey! If I had a “Super 8” I wouldn’t be looking at sex positions on the internet! </rodney dangerfield>
“Under The Cuckoo’s Nest”
If you’re calling it the “cuckoo’s nest,” maybe buy her a trimmer for Valentine’s Day. Just sayin’.