Jesus Is Totes Cool With Doggy Style, You Guys

In my never-ending search for stuff to make fun of, I ran across christianfriendlysexpositions.com.  That’s right, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.  Dot com.  I probably would have gone with a .edu, but that’s just me.  Christian Friendly Sex Positions hails itself as the “#1 clean sex positions resource.”  I couldn’t find out whom #2 might be, probably have to check Mitch McConnell’s browser history for that one.  (Zing!  See, I can do political stuff, too.)

Like any rational person, I had to ask myself, what the actual fuck is a Christian friendly sex position?   Is it anything where you can watch Kirk Cameron’s “Fireproof” while you’re doing it?  Or more importantly, what are the non-Christian friendly positions?  Because, let’s face it, those are probably more fun.  Turns out, those are the guy-guy and girl-girl positions.

Also, it’s important to note that their sex positions “are described in a Christian-friendly way” and “are described using easy-to-follow descriptive text written in a marriage-centered way.”

O-kay.

AND they’re presented with totally non-offensive illustrations.  The names alone are simply wonderful, and quite frankly, I am mad I didn’t come up with them.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Let’s start with the “Are Those Colored Contacts?”  Yep.  Here it is. Are Those Colored Contacts Sex Position Illustration

I really, really want to know the story behind that name.


Or how about the “Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Breakfast At Tiffany's Cunnilingus Position Illustration

Oh I get it!


Or the always popular, “Cather in the Pie.

Cather In the Pie Sex Position Illustration

I’m not gonna lie, I only clicked on that one because I thought it said, “Catheter in the Pie” and I wanted to see how that got illustrated.


Maybe try the, “Chimney Sweep.

Chimney Sweep Sex Position Illustration

Nevermind.  If it doesn’t involve me wearing a top hat and calling my wife “Guv’ner,” I’m out.


How about the “Cinema Stroke?”

Cinema Stroke Fellatio Position Illustration

I’m not even gonna tell you what it is.  That illustration is awesome.


Um, the “Doctor Scholl’s Day Off?”

Dr Scholls Day Off Sex Position-illustration

I got nothin’.


How ’bout the old “Dublin Shuffle?”

As popularized by St. Patrick?


Let’s try the “Ear Muffs.”

Ear Muffs Cunnilingus Position Illustration

Gah!  What the hell is going on?  I think I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.


Or the “Edward Scissorlegs.”

Edward Scissorlegs Sex Position Illustration

That’s a damn suplex!  I know I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.


Let’s just go with the “Foot in Mouth.”  Seems pretty straight forward.

Foot In Mouth Sex Position Illustration

Or not.


The “Glowing Triangle,” perhaps?

Glowing Triangle Sex Position Illustration

I don’t think that’s how you do sex…


Ah yes, the old “Grinding the Corn.”

Grinding the Corn Sex Position Illustration

Um….how is that not missionary?  Are they laying on dried corn to make corn meal?  Great, now I want corn bread.  Thanks a lot, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.


Let’s move on to the “I’ll Be Back.”

I'll Be Back Sex Position Illustration

So it has nothing to do with “The Terminator?”  Next.


The “In Her Face?”

In Her Face Fellatio Position Illustration

Yeah.  Well.  That pretty much sums it up, alright.


Or the racist “Indian Headstand.”

Indian Headstand Sex Position Illustration

That is neither Indian, nor a Headstand.


The “Lamaze Coach?”

Lamaz Coach Sex Position Illustration

What kind of Lamaze coach did these people have?


I am definitely trying the “Licking the Flag Pole.”

Licking the Flag Pole Cunnilingus Position Illustration

That was not what I was expecting.


Maybe try the “Magic Mountain.”

Magic Mountain Sex Position Illustration

More like “Magic Mountin’,” am I right?


The “No Elbows On The Table?”

No Elbows On the Table Sex Position Illustration

Well, shit.  If I’d have known etiquette school was like that, I’d have gone.


Or the “Packing the Suitcase.”

Packing the Suitcase Sex Position Illustration

How is this one NOT butt stuff?  It’s called “Packing the Suitcase!”


Well, I didn’t expect to see this one here.  “Peg.”

Peg Sex Position Illustration

Yeah.  That is not pegging.  No, you Google it.


Moving on.  The “Perpen-Dic-Ular.”

Perpen-Dic-Ular Sex Position Illustration

Wait.  Why did they spell it like that?


Um, the “Restaurant Attendant?”

Restaurant Attendant Sex Position Illustration

For when the wait list is really long?


Go for the “Sidekick.”

Sidekick Sex Position Illustration

Oh.  I thought it’d be where you have a friend who’s not quite as good at sex as you are tag in once in a while so you can catch your breath.


Or the “Southern Exposure.”

Southern Exposure Fellatio Position Illustration

“Getting Into the Southern Exposure Fellatio Position:

  1. The husband lies on his back with a pillow under his head.
  2. He brings his knees up to his chest and spreads his legs a little.
  3. His wife kneels before him.

How it’s done: The wife stimulates her husband with her mouth.”

I guess they “accidentally” left out the part about her pinky in your butt.


Then there’s the “Super 8.”

Super 8 Sex Position Illustration

<rodney dangerfield> Hey! If I had a “Super 8” I wouldn’t be looking at sex positions on the internet! </rodney dangerfield>


Under The Cuckoo’s Nest

Under the Cuckoos Nest Cunnilingus Position Illustration

If you’re calling it the “cuckoo’s nest,” maybe buy her a trimmer for Valentine’s Day.  Just sayin’.

Holy F#*k!

I was scouring the internet looking for stuff to make fun of, and I asked myself, “Where do I find judgmental, I-know-more-than-you assholes who like to tell people what to do?”

And then it hit me…

Christians.

A few Google searches later, I stumbled on a Christian sex advice blog.  Could this be what I was looking for?  You’re damn right.  As you read this entry, keep in mind that all of this sex advice is aimed at married adults, because, you know, no sex until marriage is kind of their thing.

On the front page of the blog is an entry (tee-hee, entry) on what to get your husband for Christmas for your “marriage bed.”  Ideas included here are: a canopy, wall art (hers is a scripture quote, because nothing says “ride me, cowboy” like the Paul’s letter to the Phoenicians), socks (wtf?), lingerie (ok), and games.  Games?  Now we’re onto something.  Her example is a Spin The Bottle game, where each space on the wheel is a different act.  Maybe I was wrong about these Christian sex fiends, maybe they’ve got it going on.  Let’s see what’s written on these spaces, shall we?  Hmm…”butt squeeze.”  Okay, bit of a slow start.  How about, “Kiss on the cheek?”  What?  Maybe the next spin you’ll score with “Hold hands.”  Hold hands?  Why, Marjorie, you little strumpet!!  But don’t forget “Words of affirmation.”  Words.  Of.  Affirmation.  Look, ladies, the only “words of affirmation” your man wants to hear in the bedroom are, “I’m cool with butt stuff” or “I believe you remember Lexie, from yoga class?”

Let’s move on.

Here’s one called Oral Sex: How To.  Let’s dive into this.  (pun intended)

She writes here that some people (satanists, no doubt) have gotten oral sex tips from watching porn.  Not her, though.  “Here’s the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don’t need to try it to know I don’t need to try it.”

Porn = heroin.

I suppose then that the sports bra-clad mannequin at Dick’s Sporting Goods is marijuana.  Which makes yoga pants mushrooms.  Bikini watching at the pool would be….Valium?  Strip clubs are clearly cocaine, and the entire country of Thailand is crystal meth.

She goes out on a limb with her next sentence, “The point is, some husbands would like their wives to “go down” on them.”  Yeah, maybe one or two.

Then we get into the meat (I am killing it today with the entendres!) of the article, the “How-To.”

Do you really blow?”  This is an article for married women.  Married, meaning, presumably, not 13.

How much of his penis do I put in my mouth?”   “You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband’s penis (see below).”  Hahahaha – “see below.”

What do I do with my mouth?”  “We’ve established that you don’t blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation.”  Can be?

Should I spit or swallow?”  I suppose I should really resist the urge to make a “What would Jesus do?” joke here.  But she goes on to say, “If you don’t want to swallow, be polite about spitting.”  Yeah, I mean, a little decorum wouldn’t kill you, ladies.

“”What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don’t like it? Will I have to do it again?”  “There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it.”  I repeat, “Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it.”  Umm, I’m gonna need you to cite your sources on this one.  Later she suggests, “Perhaps you don’t want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.”  Appropriate sex toy.  Appropriate.  How did that go?

Wife:  “How about adding a toy to our marriage bed?”
Husbands runs off and returns a moment later with a toy.
Wife:  “That’s Buzz Lightyear.”
Husband runs off again.
Wife:  “That’s a vegetable steamer.”
Runs off once more.
Wife:  “That’s my Nana’s trophy for taking third place in the Tri-County Ping Pong Tournament, 1957.”
Husband:  “I read this thing on the internet that said anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”
Wife:  “When were you on the internet?!”
Husband:  “I…”
Wife:  “Go burn the laptop.”
Husband:  “We could just do system restore, that would get rid of any-“
Wife:  “BURN IT!”

And, scene.

In the comments section, there are WAY too many comments from men married 10 or more years, hoping that his article will convince their wives to at least try oral sex.  Look, if you want to save yourself for marriage, knock yourself out, but at least be smart enough to discuss this stuff ahead of time.  Number of kids?  Where should we live?   Are you a vegetarian?  And on a similar note, where do we stand on this whole genital licking thing?  Seriously, ask.  Because, it’s going to come up (on fire, I tell you!).  Your husband knows about blow jobs.  He’s heard people talking about them.  Or even seen one.  And if you’re husband says he has never seen porn, he’s a damn liar.  If nothing else, some ne’er do in his neighborhood (probably that Travis from down the street), showed him something. And even if he did leave right away, there is no way he will ever forget the very nice things that buxom college girl was doing to her professor’s penis.

In the article, “How Kinky Can You Get?” appears the sentence, “I cannot find a Bible verse that says, “Thou Shalt Not . . .” to anal penetration.”  Awesome.  I don’t think I’m going to get very far with that argument.  I mean, yes, of course, I’m gonna give it a shot.  It won’t hurt.  (I’ve also tried that argument, fyi.)

Last but not least, let’s see if we can “Freshen Up Your Foreplay.”

Try such fancy things as:

“Give each other body massages or a sensual massage of your private areas.”
  Wait, isn’t the exact definition of foreplay pretty much “a sensual massage of your private areas?”  What the hell are these people doing for foreplay?

“Introduce food into your sexual play.”  
I mean, yeah, this sounds like fun, but every time I try to bring bacon-wrapped filets to bed, it’s all  “Oww!  Oww!  That burns!  Dammit!  Get it off me!”

“Grab some props. Gather a few items with texture or temperature — like a feather, heat packs, sensory massage balls, a silk scarf, an ice cube or chilled hard-boiled egg.”  
All right, all right, all right.  This is some good shit here…wait…a hard-boiled egg?

“Grab a Nerf gun. It’s a good motto for life really: If all else fails, grab a Nerf gun and see how that can improve your mood. Actually. load that baby up with water and squirt away at each other.”  
Everything else aside, you can’t load a Nerf gun with water.  Come on, lady!  Get your head out of your ass here!

“Get Spiritual
. Have you ever brought God into the bedroom in a big way?”  Look, lady, I’ve been asking for a threeway for nineteen fucking years.  It’s just not that easy.  Side note, if you bring God into the bedroom, is it still considered a “devil’s threesome?”

Psalms 2: Electric Boogaloo – The Complete, Unabridged Psalms of Reverend Buddy Bell

Psalm 151 – Guilty feet hath got no rhythm.

Psalm 152 – Every rose hath its thorns, just as every night hath its dawn.

Psalm 153 – Carryeth on, mine prodigal son.  There shalt be peace when thou art done.

Psalm 154 – Dust in the wind, all thou art, is dust in the wind.

Psalm155 – Mine anaconda wanteth none unless thou hast buns, hon.

Psalm 156 – When a problem cometh along, thou must whip it. When something goeth wrong, thou must whip it.

Psalm 157 – If there be a problem, I shalt solveth it, checketh out the hook whilst mine DJ revolveth it.

Psalm 158 – Oh, baby, thou, thou hast what I needeth, but thou sayeth he’s just a friend.

Psalm 159 – Waketh me up, before thou go-go, keepeth me not, hanging on like a yo-yo.

Psalm 160 – Thou hast to fight, for thine right, to party.

Psalm 161 – Thou must beatest it, no one wanteth to be defeated.  Showest how funky strong is thine fight. It matters not who’s wrong or right.

Psalm 162 – Verily, I sayeth unto thee, fat bottomed girls, thou makest the rocking world go round.

Psalm 163 – Thou must knowest when to hold ’em. Knowest when to fold ’em. Thou shalt knowest when to walk away, and knowest when to run.

Psalm 164 – Tis but a jump to the left. And then thou shalt step to the right. Hands on thine hips, thou shalt bringest thine knees in tight.

Psalm 165 – Searcheth for thine lost shaker of salt. Some shalt claimeth a woman be to blame, but thou knowest – tis nobody’s fault.

Psalm 166 – If thou covet pina coladas, and the rain, if thou refute yoga and possess half a brain, tis I thou doth seek, write to me and escape.

Psalm 167 – Never gonna giveth thou up, never gonna letteth thou down. Never gonna runneth around and deserteth thou.

Psalm 168 – Thou better shape up, alas, I needst a man. And mine heart is set up on thou. Thou better shape up, to mine heart I must be true.

Psalm 169 – Thou art nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time. Thou hath ne’er caught a rabbit, and thou art no friend of mine.

Psalm 170 – Thou shalt rolleth down the street, smoketh endo, sippeth on gin and juice. With thy mind on thy money, and thy money on thy mind.

Psalm 171 – Thou shalt not stop believin’. Verily, I command thee, holdest on to the feelin’. Streetlights, people.

Psalm 172 – Our Lord on high, Rebekah, cast thine gaze upon her buttocks. Tis grand. She doth appear as if one of those rap guys’ girlfriends.

Psalm 173 – Thou shalt no be forgetful of mine number. Verily, love hath fortitude beyond that of a thunder.

Psalm 174 – Thou may dance if thou so desire, thou may abandon thy friends. For if thy friends danceth not, they shalt be no friends of mine.

Psalm 175 – Yon projectile hath pierced mine heart and thou art to blameth. Dearest maiden, thou hath bestowed upon love a bad name.

Psalm 176 – I hath been tryin’ babay, tryin’ to holdeth back this feelin’. And if thou feelest like I feelest, let’s lay together as if man and wife.

Psalm 177 – Verily, Mickey, thou art so fine, thou art so fine, thou blowest my mind. Alas, Mickey! Alas, Mickey!

Psalm 178 – If I stayest here with thou, girl, things shalt not remain the same. Lo, I’m as free as the dove, now, and this dove thou canst change.

Psalm 179 – Thou must cut loose, footloose. Kick of thine Sabbath shoes. I plead of thou, Louise, pullest me off of mine knees.

Psalm 180 – Shouldst there be something strange in thine neighborhood, who art thou gonna call? Disembodied apparition busters!

Psalm 181 – So, serving wench, bringeth forth a carafe, another round of wine. Maiden, why don’t we get drunk and lay together?

Psalm 182 – Alas, I hath been caught pilfering, once, when I was V…I enjoyest pilfering, tis just as simple as that.

Psalm 183 – And the name of the beast shalt be Kris Kross, and Kris Kross shalt maketh thee jump, jump.

Psalm 184 – Tis rainin’ men, Hallelujah. Tis rainin’ men, Amen. Thou shalt go out, thou shalt lettest thineself get absolutely soaking wet.

Psalm 185 – Lo, lo, lo, lo baby-pop! Cometh yonder, giveth unto me kiss. Thou best make it fast, or alas I shalt become pissed.

Psalm 186 – Money talks, but it doth not sing nor dance nor walk. If I can haveth thou here with me, I’d preferest to be, forever in blue jeans.

Psalm 187 – Once, I raneth unto thou. Now I shalt runneth from thou. This tainted love thou given unto me, I hath given thou all a boy could givest.

Psalm 188 – Shouldst I stay or shouldst I go now? If I go, there shalt be peril, and if I stay it shalt be two-fold.

Psalm 189 – Tonight, I shalt rejoice as if it were the year of our Lord, nineteen hundred and ninety-nine.

Psalm 190 – I hath mine hands up, they art playing mine hymn. I knowest I shalt be okay, forsooth, tis a party in the Promised Land.

Psalm 191 – Forsooth, if thou were indeed enamored of it, then thou shouldst have put a ring upon it.

Psalm 192 – In West Canaan, born and raised, in the temple was where I spenteh most of mine days, preachin’ out, maxin’, prostelyzin’ all cool…

Psalm 193 – Thou spinnest me right ’round, betrothed, right ’round like yon millstone, betrothed.

Psalm194 – Someday somebody shalt maketh thou wish to turn ’round and bid farewell. Art thou to let them holdest thou down and makest thou weep?

Psalm 195 – I’m sailing away, seteth thine sextant for the virgin sea. I shalt be liberated, free to faceth the life that’s ahead of me.

Psalm 196 – Thine kiss is upon mine scroll, of the best things in life. Thine kiss i can ne’er resist, when I blowest out yon candle.

Psalm 197 – Tis a parable for all the fellas, thou may attempt to do what yon maidens tell us, getteth shot down cause thou art over-desirous.

Psalm 198 – The Hitites doth speak, canst they just letteth me live? I needeth not permission, maketh mine own decisions, tis mine prerogative.

Psalm 199 – She’s a limestone dwelling. She’s dressed immodestly. The maiden’s stacked, and lo, tis a fact, she doth reserve nothing.

Psalm 200 – My perils doth be one shy of a century, but verily, a disrespectful maid of low moral standing be not one.


Y’all Be Trippin’

See, the thing about religion is that’s it’s usually a small journey from, “Hey, that’s a good idea!” (see, “be nice to everybody) to “Wow! You just may be batshit crazy!” (lots of examples about this, am I right?).  Well, guess which one I’m here to talk about.

A friend of mine was recently trapped in a conversation with a man who felt she needed some saving.  This despite the fact that she is in fact a church-going Christian and informed him as much.  He could tell by looking at her that she wasn’t religious enough.  A handy, I suppose, super-power, if perhaps a little boring.  Her short-coming, as evidenced by his 2 PAGE DIAGRAM, was in the field of chastity (she’s married, by the way).  According to his rant, “Chastity (a Virtue (capitalization his, not mine)) means to see everyone as made in the image and likeness of GOD” (again, his capitalization).

Except, that’s not what chastity means.  Even a little.  There’s probably a thing that does meant that.  But it’s not chastity.

For him, and whatever weird little church he belongs to that doesn’t have a good grasp of vocabulary, being Chaste involves something called SPICE.  One then has to assume the Spice Girls are necessarily Chaste.  Except Ginger Spice, of course, as gingers have no souls.

What is SPICE you ask?  Well, it’s an acronym unsurprisingly.  It’s an acronym where each word makes up one of the five petals of a flower (aside – he misspelled “petal” though he did draw a diagram of the SPICE flower – the center of which, the pistil, is labelled “love,” which is nice).  The five petals of the SPICE flower are:

Spiritual

Physical

Intellectual

Creative

Emotions

I’m gonna go ahead and assume he meant “Emotional.”  Anyway, the important thing for chastity is that all five petals are in balance like a “beautiful flower” and not like one of those jacked-up flowers that you find in the bottom of the flower fridge at the grocery store at 6pm on Mother’s Day.  If they’re not, you have to focus on developing the ones that are out of balance.  (Duh.)  For instance, he writes, “Women that are not dressed appropriately have an extreme Physical petal…”  I’m gonna stop here and take a guess that he could tell she needed this info because she was wearing yoga pants (in public! gasp!), or as the internet calls them, whore pants.  Then he adds, “they actually don’t show enough.”

Wait, what?  Now maybe he explained this during his rant, but on paper, this makes no sense.

Then, all of the sudden, we’re done with the SPICE flower and have moved on to answer the question, “What is the Mass?”  Apparently, and I’m just gonna put the entire quote in it’s entirety, it’s a marriage ceremony where “God is marrying his bride the Church.  We are the Body of Christ here on earth.  And at the consummation of the Mass he shares his real Body Blood, Soul and Divinity (sounds familiar, doesn’t it?).  *This is called the Theology of the Body!”

Okay, let me take a breath and go through this one item at a time.  “God is marrying his bride the Church.”  I’m guessing he means “congregation” not Church, so I’ won’t pick on this.  But then we get into “We are the Body of Christ here on earth” which doesn’t even follow from his previous sentence, so I don’t know what he means.  And then, “And at the consummation of the Mass he shares his real Body Blood, Soul and Divinity (sounds familiar, doesn’t it?)”

Phew.

I’d like to assume that by “consummation” he means “completion” and not, you know, what everybody else means by consummation.  But you never know with crazy.

“He shares his real Body Blood, Soul, and Divinity…”  That’s a lot of sharing.

“(Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?”)  No, It doesn’t sound familiar.  Not even a little fucking bit.  Familiar to what?  To whom?

“This is called the Theology of the Body!”  The only reason I bring this sentence up is that when I Googled “the Theology of the Body,” Google auto-filled with “the Theology of Yoga Pants” which I thought was frigging hysterical.

Then he says that “the reason women can’t be priests is because the priest must be an Icon of God/Jesus who is male and he gives to the bride….hence the bridegroom and the bride.”  Hence the bridegroom and the bride?  What?  How is that a “hence”?  Does “hence” mean something I don’t know?

That’s followed by a diagram of the trinity of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, with the Father at the top, as usual.  Then there’s an arrow pointing to the next diagram labelled “at Home” which is the trinity of the Husband, Wife and “Child that shows their love.”  Though he misspelled “their” as “there” but then wrote over it.  Maybe it was the other way around though.  And of course, the Husband is at the top of the pyramid.  No explanation as to why this is included at all.

After that, he writes “Catholics are supernatural and have multiple dimensions!”

Wait, this is supposed to be Catholicism?!  Sweet damn.  I did 13 years in Catholic school and not once did “supernatural” come up.  And neither did “multiple dimensions” but that was probably just because the word “multiple” would maybe make us think about “multiple orgasms” and that’s not just not okay.  I mean, I heard a lot of crazy shit come out of the place.  (One nun told us all that masturbation is a sin because it is homosexual in nature since you are performing a sex act on someone of your own gender.  That messed my head up so bad, I couldn’t masturbate for almost 3 hours.  Almost.  I suppose I could have argued that I was trying desperately not to masturbate, but that I was having trouble find someone to do it for me, though I doubt that was her point.)  If I’d known I was supernatural, I’d have at least tried to pick up girls with that line.  Thanks, Obama!

What’s left is the word “worry” in huge print with an arrow pointing toward the word “devil.”  Under that, just as big, “suffering” with an arrow pointing to “God.”

I guess that worrying leads to the devil, but suffering leads to God?  No, that doesn’t sound right.  Worry is caused by the devil, but suffering is caused by God?  Hmmm….that’s probably not it either.  Worry equals devil?  Suffering equals God?  Worry made the devil and suffering made God?  I really got nothing on this one.

As my friend was relating this encounter to me, all I could think was, “Lucky!”  I love meeting crazy people.  They’re so much more interesting than normal people, and sadly, as I grow older, my ability to attract the crazies seems to have diminished, much to my chagrin.  She did not match my enthusiasm.

Still.  Lucky.