Some Games Are Better Than Others

Yay!!!

Cosmo’s gotta a new “Sex Games” column out.  I’ve missed you Cosmo.  I’ve really missed you.  So here we go – “14 Totally Hot Sex Games You Need to Try.”

Raunchy Retail Therapy

Visit a sex shop or lingerie store together, and tell your partner they can pick one thing they want to see you wear, no questions as asked. Give them an allowance to spend so they stay in your budget, and because you are a grown ass woman who #TreatsHerself. Don’t let them show you what they bought until you get home from the shopping trip. Enjoy watching their jaw drop as they see you walk out in their fantasy get-up.

First of all, I searched Twitter.  There are preceisely 4 Tweets that have ever used #treatsherself.  What you mean is #treatyoself.  Stop being so lazy.  Secondly, his jaw is not going to drop because you walked out in the exact outfit he bought you.  That’s not how it works.  “Oh My Gawd, Babay!!! I can’t believe you’re wearing the outfit I bought you 20 minutes ago and that you took into the bathroom with you after telling me to lay in bed and get ready!”

XXX Marks the Spot

This is like a “guess that number” but with a spot on your body. You keep one particular spot in mind and he has to kiss every part of your body until he guesses correctly. It’s up to you if you want to be honest and tell him he hit the right spot, or let him keep guessing.
Okay.  So.  This one is fine.  Not “Totally Hot.”  But fine.  Question.  What happens when he finds the right spot?  You’re not giving us all the rules.  Is it sexy time?  Or does he go back to playing Mario Kart?

Do as I Say

Make yourself a DIY dungeon master by whipping out a feather duster and a silk tie as arm restraints. BONUS: for the entirety of your “session,” you can only use Christian’s and Ana’s quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey. He’s Ana.
<comic book store guy from The Simpsons>”Um, that’s not what a dungeon master is!</comic book store guy from The Simpsons>  And why is “session” in quotes?  Do you not mean “session?”  If not, what do you mean?  And for some practical advice, he won’t have any idea what the hell you’re talking about if you start using quotes from Fifty Shades of Grey.  And if you genuinely expect him to respond to the quotes with the correct response, well, you’re just gonna be mad.

Strip-Pong

Set up your dining room table like a beer-pong table, but skip the brew: Arrange six 16-ounce plastic cups in a triangle shape at either end of the table, and grab some ping-pong balls. You’ll stand at one end of the table, with your guy at the other. Then take turns trying to throw a ping-poll ball into the cups at the opposite end of the table from you. When one of you scores, the other has to remove that cup … and a piece of clothing. The first person to land a ball in all six cups gets to request a sexual favor of their choice.
You had me until “skip the brew.”  Which, technically, was in the first sentence, so very, very early.    And why would a person even think to remove alcohol from a sex game?  Did you even go to prom?

Pick a Card, Any Card

Start with a deck of cards and assign each suit a different sexy meaning: hearts represent kissing, diamonds equal a massage, clubs are manual stimulation, and spades mean oral. Take turns picking cards from the stack and treating each other to the sexy move you draw. The numbers on the cards represent how long you have to do each action — so if you get the nine of diamonds, he has to give you a sensual rubdown for nine seconds. If he picks the ace of clubs, you give him a one-second hand-job (boo, but hey, that’s the way the cards were dealt).
A nine second massage.  One of Cosmo’s super hot sex games includes the idea of a nine second massage.  And that’s actually one of the longest massages you might get in this game.  Also, um, aces are high, lady.  Aces are high!

Not So Fast

Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself — they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). For each correct answer, he gets to move one step closer to you; if he’s wrong, he takes a step back. Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.
First off, rename this game.  Telling your man you want to play a game called “Not So Fast” is really starting thing off on the wrong foot.  Second, he’s not going to enjoy being tested.  Here’s how it’s going to go:

Her: When did I lose my virginity?

Him:  Um….16?

Her:  No. I was 18, remember?

Him: Oh, yeah.  Okay, sure.  <takes a step back, loses erection>

Her: Okay, what was the name of my cat growing up?

Him: Jesus, babe.  I don’t-

Her: My parents just had to put to her sleep! I cried all of last week!

Him: Uh……Mr. Bojangles?

Her: What?! It was Lady Meowington! Do you ever listen to me? <starts crying>

How sexy does that sound?  Look, I’ve been married 20 years and I still break out into a cold sweat if I’m filling out an online form that asks for my wife’s birthday.  And that’s just me trying to reset her Ikea password so I can order a new Ooobbolnersin for our Skanvankatin. I can’t imagine how much stress I’d be under if it was about trying to have sex.

Seven Minutes in Heaven

Seven Minutes in Heaven is a step up from Spin the Bottle, but now that you’re not in braces in your parent’s basement, why not make it even dirtier? Set the kitchen timer for seven minutes and then hop in the coat closet together for a torrid quickie. The timer creates a sense of urgency, and the small, dark space makes it feel like you’re doing something forbidden — so hot.

At my age, it takes me longer than seven minutes to go pee.  Plus, have you seen my coat closet?

Reality Show 

You know how you and your guy watch a show together and you really want your favorite characters to have sex? Make it happen in your bed! Doing this bit of specific role play involving the characters you can’t wait to just bone already actually boning already via your boning? Perfection.

“Ok.  You be Ross and I’ll be Monica”

“Eww, they were brother and sister!”

“Stop judging me, Ross!”

“Fine, but after this, I’m Oscar the Grouch and you’re Mr. Snuffleupagus.”

“But Mr. Snuffleupagus was invisible to everybody except Big Bird.”

“I know, babe.  I know.”

Marco, Pol-Ohhhh

The classic pool game is about to get hot as hell. The next time you’re by yourselves in the water, close your eyes, then head in the direction of your guy by following the sound of his voice. Once you catch him, pull your bathing suit bottom aside and go at it.

So, I’m just supposed to stand in the pool with a raging hard-on and just hope someone finds me?  Well, that’s an interesting juxtaposition from 8th grade, when I stood in the pool with a raging hard-on and prayed no one found me.  “I know it’s adult swim time, Mr. Lifeguard!!  Can I have one fucking minute please!?!”

Dare or Dare

Play a game of Truth or Dare, with very little truth involved. Dares can include things like:

  • Talk dirty to me for 20 minutes.
  • Kiss me without using your hands to touch any other body parts (though he’ll want to).
  • Sext me while you’re at work at least once an hour. It’s up to you if you want to keep daring him, or let him take a turn at daring you.

Talk dirty to you for 20 minutes?  Lady, I gots shit to do.

Orgasm Race

Lie side-by-side naked in bed and begin pleasuring yourselves. Whoever comes first gives the other person manual or oral stimulation until they reach the finish line too. The “winner” gets to request a sexy treat next time. (Relationship bonus: Masturbating in front of each other can draw you closer — because it’s normally something you do when you’re alone, allowing another person to watch you makes you feel vulnerable, heightening the intimacy between you.)

Yes!  Looks like we are about to enter into a new era, one where I go un-de-fucking-feated!!!  A masturbation race?  Tell you what, I’ll give you ten minute head start just to so you don’t feel so bad about yourself.

This Is So Wrong

Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like:

  1. Hooking up at in your friend’s bathroom at a house party.
  2. Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.
  3. Put your hand on his crotch while you’re in a crowded elevator just to give him an idea of what you want to do later.

Alternately, put your hand on someone else’s crotch and make things really interesting.

The Mirror Game

Both of you strip down and sit facing each other on the bed. One of you begins to touch, kiss, and lick different areas of the other’s body, and the other person has to simultaneously touch, kiss, and lick that in exactly the same way as closely as possible. This is also a great way to show your partner how you like to be touched and honestly it’s hot as hell.

So…….69, then?  Ok.  But you know, you could just say it.  We’re totes cool with that.

Mystery Toy

Blindfold your guy naked on the bed and then tease him all over using a series of sexy objects — caress his penis with a silky thong or a simple feather. Have him try to guess what you’re stroking him with, and don’t move onto the next object until he gets it right.

I will only have my penis caressed with a complex feather.  What the hell is a “simple” feather, anyway?  Be ready for this game to take a while.  You may want to bring your phone.

“A pair of underwear?”

“No.”

“A tie?”

“No.”

“Your hair.”

“No.”

“A simple feather?”

“No.”

“The cat?”

“What?  No.”

“Tea cozy?”

“We don’t have a tea cozy.”

“My Limp Bizket concert tee?”

“No.  I threw that out.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“A Swiffer.”

“No.”

“Two Swiffers?”

“No.”

“A leaf?”

“No.”

“A caterpillar?”

“No.”

“Did you just dress up my penis in one of your Barbie’s sundresses?”

 

 

 

 

 

“Yes.”

Jesus Is Totes Cool With Doggy Style, You Guys

In my never-ending search for stuff to make fun of, I ran across christianfriendlysexpositions.com.  That’s right, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.  Dot com.  I probably would have gone with a .edu, but that’s just me.  Christian Friendly Sex Positions hails itself as the “#1 clean sex positions resource.”  I couldn’t find out whom #2 might be, probably have to check Mitch McConnell’s browser history for that one.  (Zing!  See, I can do political stuff, too.)

Like any rational person, I had to ask myself, what the actual fuck is a Christian friendly sex position?   Is it anything where you can watch Kirk Cameron’s “Fireproof” while you’re doing it?  Or more importantly, what are the non-Christian friendly positions?  Because, let’s face it, those are probably more fun.  Turns out, those are the guy-guy and girl-girl positions.

Also, it’s important to note that their sex positions “are described in a Christian-friendly way” and “are described using easy-to-follow descriptive text written in a marriage-centered way.”

O-kay.

AND they’re presented with totally non-offensive illustrations.  The names alone are simply wonderful, and quite frankly, I am mad I didn’t come up with them.

Let’s explore, shall we?

Let’s start with the “Are Those Colored Contacts?”  Yep.  Here it is. Are Those Colored Contacts Sex Position Illustration

I really, really want to know the story behind that name.


Or how about the “Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Breakfast At Tiffany's Cunnilingus Position Illustration

Oh I get it!


Or the always popular, “Cather in the Pie.

Cather In the Pie Sex Position Illustration

I’m not gonna lie, I only clicked on that one because I thought it said, “Catheter in the Pie” and I wanted to see how that got illustrated.


Maybe try the, “Chimney Sweep.

Chimney Sweep Sex Position Illustration

Nevermind.  If it doesn’t involve me wearing a top hat and calling my wife “Guv’ner,” I’m out.


How about the “Cinema Stroke?”

Cinema Stroke Fellatio Position Illustration

I’m not even gonna tell you what it is.  That illustration is awesome.


Um, the “Doctor Scholl’s Day Off?”

Dr Scholls Day Off Sex Position-illustration

I got nothin’.


How ’bout the old “Dublin Shuffle?”

As popularized by St. Patrick?


Let’s try the “Ear Muffs.”

Ear Muffs Cunnilingus Position Illustration

Gah!  What the hell is going on?  I think I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.


Or the “Edward Scissorlegs.”

Edward Scissorlegs Sex Position Illustration

That’s a damn suplex!  I know I saw Rowdy Roddy Piper do that to Hacksaw Jim Duggan once.


Let’s just go with the “Foot in Mouth.”  Seems pretty straight forward.

Foot In Mouth Sex Position Illustration

Or not.


The “Glowing Triangle,” perhaps?

Glowing Triangle Sex Position Illustration

I don’t think that’s how you do sex…


Ah yes, the old “Grinding the Corn.”

Grinding the Corn Sex Position Illustration

Um….how is that not missionary?  Are they laying on dried corn to make corn meal?  Great, now I want corn bread.  Thanks a lot, Christian Friendly Sex Positions.


Let’s move on to the “I’ll Be Back.”

I'll Be Back Sex Position Illustration

So it has nothing to do with “The Terminator?”  Next.


The “In Her Face?”

In Her Face Fellatio Position Illustration

Yeah.  Well.  That pretty much sums it up, alright.


Or the racist “Indian Headstand.”

Indian Headstand Sex Position Illustration

That is neither Indian, nor a Headstand.


The “Lamaze Coach?”

Lamaz Coach Sex Position Illustration

What kind of Lamaze coach did these people have?


I am definitely trying the “Licking the Flag Pole.”

Licking the Flag Pole Cunnilingus Position Illustration

That was not what I was expecting.


Maybe try the “Magic Mountain.”

Magic Mountain Sex Position Illustration

More like “Magic Mountin’,” am I right?


The “No Elbows On The Table?”

No Elbows On the Table Sex Position Illustration

Well, shit.  If I’d have known etiquette school was like that, I’d have gone.


Or the “Packing the Suitcase.”

Packing the Suitcase Sex Position Illustration

How is this one NOT butt stuff?  It’s called “Packing the Suitcase!”


Well, I didn’t expect to see this one here.  “Peg.”

Peg Sex Position Illustration

Yeah.  That is not pegging.  No, you Google it.


Moving on.  The “Perpen-Dic-Ular.”

Perpen-Dic-Ular Sex Position Illustration

Wait.  Why did they spell it like that?


Um, the “Restaurant Attendant?”

Restaurant Attendant Sex Position Illustration

For when the wait list is really long?


Go for the “Sidekick.”

Sidekick Sex Position Illustration

Oh.  I thought it’d be where you have a friend who’s not quite as good at sex as you are tag in once in a while so you can catch your breath.


Or the “Southern Exposure.”

Southern Exposure Fellatio Position Illustration

“Getting Into the Southern Exposure Fellatio Position:

  1. The husband lies on his back with a pillow under his head.
  2. He brings his knees up to his chest and spreads his legs a little.
  3. His wife kneels before him.

How it’s done: The wife stimulates her husband with her mouth.”

I guess they “accidentally” left out the part about her pinky in your butt.


Then there’s the “Super 8.”

Super 8 Sex Position Illustration

<rodney dangerfield> Hey! If I had a “Super 8” I wouldn’t be looking at sex positions on the internet! </rodney dangerfield>


Under The Cuckoo’s Nest

Under the Cuckoos Nest Cunnilingus Position Illustration

If you’re calling it the “cuckoo’s nest,” maybe buy her a trimmer for Valentine’s Day.  Just sayin’.

Cosmo, why hath thou forsaken me?!

Well, now that it appears Cosmopolitan Magazine is out of the horrible sex advice business, I’ve had to look elsewhere.  Luckily, we live in the golden age of the internet, where just about any idiot can have his own website.

Wait a minute…..

And that’s the story of how I stumbled upon this little article, “33 Seriously Naughty Questions That’ll Turn You BOTH On.”  Oh yeah, now we’re talking.  You can tell it’ll be quite ribald because it says the questions are seriously naughty, naughty enough to turn on both the asker AND the askee!  Let’s do this!

(Sidenote: starting a “naughty session” with a guy by saying “Um, I have a question” is NOT the way to go.  But let’s see how this plays out.)

1. When is the last time you’ve had a dream about me?

“Oh, all the time, babe!  All the time.  I never dream about your sister.  Swear to God!”

2. If I could only wear yoga pants or short skirts for the rest of my life, what would you choose for me?

“Yoga pants.”

“Oh yeah? Why?”

“Cuz if all you wear is short skirts, you’d never shut up about being cold.”

3. Guess what color underwear I’m wearing?

“That’s not a question.  Putting a question mark at the end of an imperative sentence doesn’t make it a question.”

4. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?

“Stabbed a hobo in Lubbock for $300 bucks.  Is that the seriously naughty question?”

5. What’s your most hardcore fantasy?

Him: “Oh, I don’t know, babe…”

Her: “Come on.  If you don’t tell me, it’ll never come true.”

Him: “I really don’t-”

Her: “Don’t you love me?”

Him: <sigh>  “Fine.  I’m tied up on the bed…”

Her:”Ooh, I like where this is going.”

Him: “Mmm-hmm.  And you’re doing a little strip tease…”

Her: “Go on…”

Him: “And just as you get naked, your friends, who are they, Bethany and Crystal?  The ones we met at the James Blunt concert you made me go to?”

Her: “You mean, Heather and Tina?”

Him: “Sure.  Anyway, they come in, and you all wrestle to see who gets to give me the first blow job.  Well, obviously, it ends in a tie and you all have to blow me at the same time.  Then, while I’m recharging, you three go at it and I watch.  Then, Heather takes a – Hey, where you going, babe?  Babe?”

6. Have you ever said someone else’s name during sex, instead of the girl you were with?

“I have a strict policy of only saying my own name during sex.  You know that.”

7. What’s the most sensitive part of your body?

“My heart.  Definitely my heart.  Oh, and my taint.  Stop ignoring that, please.”

8. Have you ever dated two girls at the same time?

“Not same time enough, if you know what I mean.  What?  Why do you keep leaving?”

9. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

“No, dammit.”

10. Have you ever had sex outside?

“Sure.  I refuse to take my slumpbusters home.  I’m not an idiot.”

11. Have you ever used a sex toy in bed?

“Freshman year of high school I fucked the arm pit of a Teddy Ruxpin.  Does that count?”

12. When was the last time you masturbated?

“Well, it wasn’t 20 minutes ago, I can tell you that!”

13. If you could only have one type of sex for the rest of your life, what would you choose: oral, anal or regular?

“Anal.”

“You only get to pick one – ”

“Anal.”

“I mean, for the rest of your whole – ”

“Anal.”

14. Hair down there or all bare?

“Me or you?”

15. What’s your favorite sex position when I’m on top?

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“What about when – ”

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“But if we – ”

“Reverse.  Cowgirl.”

16. What’s your favorite position when you’re on top?

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“That’s not – ”

“Reverse.  Cowgirl.”

17. Do you prefer me wearing makeup or none at all?

“Reverse cowgirl.”

“That wasn’t even the question.  Would you please stop watching football?”

18. Do you sleep in pajamas, underwear or nothing at all?

“We’ve been dating for over a year and you don’t know this one?”

19. If you could only ever sleep with one celebrity, who would you choose?

“Will Ferrel.  That’s a funny mother fucker.”

“I said, sleep with.”

“I’ve made my choice.”

20. Have you ever felt jealous when you saw me talking to another guy?

“I feel like you want me to say yes.”

“I want you to be honest.”

“Do you? Cause we tried that with the question about my fantasy – why do you keep leaving?!”

21. Would you be angry if you saw me making out with a really hot girl?

“Oh, hell no!  In fact, I’m down for anyone above a 6.”

22. Of all the things I’ve done with you in the bedroom, what’s your favorite?

“Remember when you let me sleep in the day after the Super Bowl?  Babe!  Babe, I’m kidding!”

23. Have you ever woken up beside someone you regretted sleeping with?

<muttering> “I’m beginning to regret…”

“What’s that?”

“Not that I can think of.”

24. What’s more important … boobs or butt?

“I feel like we covered this one already.”

“We’re not doing butt stuff!”

“Then why do you keep bringing it up?!”

25. If you could choose between me being slightly overweight or slightly underweight, which would you choose?

<feigns a stroke>

26. Have you ever woken the neighbors because you were so loud in the bedroom?

“Yeah, when I was putting together a new dresser from Ikea!  Hi-yo!”  <swings invisible golf club>  “Seriously, babe, if you keep walking off, you’re gonna hit your FitBit goal in, like, no time.”

27. Have you read 50 Shades Of Grey? If so, did it turn you on?

“Well, as I am not a bored suburban housewife, no I did not.”

28. Have you ever had sex in public?

“I got a handjob in the undercarriage of a parade float once.  Does that count?”

“I guess.  Wait, when was this?”

“Long time ago, babe.”

“Who was it?”

“Nope.”

29. Do you like it when I’m the dominant one in bed or do you prefer leading things?

“Damn right I do!”

“Turn off the fucking TV!”

30. Have you ever had anal sex? How did it go?

“It’s like you’re not even paying attention.”

31. When was the last time you went to a strip club?

<shudders>  “Eww!  A strip club?  No thank you!”

“It’s okay if you’ve been to strip club…”

“Nope.”

32. Do you think you could give me an orgasm by only touching my breasts and kissing me? Would you like to try?

<begins taking his shirt off> “Now we’re talking!”

“No!  We’re just asking questions right now!”

33. Do my feet turn you on?

<puts shirt back on>

 

I don’t know about you guys, but I am REALLY turned on right now!

Boyfriend Material

So Cosmo’s been really slack about providing me good stuff to make fun.  It’s really quite selfish of them.  But they’ve bounced back a bit with this article:  “25 Signs He’ll Be A Good Boyfriend.”  On the plus side, none of these signs included “having a lot of money” or “being well-endowed,” so I still have a chance at being a good boyfriend.  I just don’t think my wife would like it….

 

1. He asks about how your friend Becky is doing after her breakup. 

“Hey, Babe.  What happened with Becky?  They broke up?!  Oh no!  Was it cause she won’t do threesomes?  Or better yet, because she wants a threesome and he wouldn’t go for it?  Even if she’s just down for a devil’s threeway?  What?  Why are you mad?  I’m just asking about your friend….”

2. After he met Becky for the first time, he was like, “Do you think that went well?” 

“Sooooo, that Becky’s pretty cool, huh?  Yeah…..so like……are she and what’s his name still broken up?”

3. When you bring up that your boss is being rude to you at work, he doesn’t sigh and roll his eyes because you’re “complaining again.” If he can’t sit through a five-minute tirade about a lame work situation, he won’t be able to sit down with you when something seriously big goes wrong. 

Yeah, because listening to someone bitch for the thousandth about how fucking Roger in Accounting won’t refill the coffee pot when takes he last the cup means they won’t be there when an actual, for real problem arises.

4. He’s polite to waiters and cashiers, and doesn’t do that awful thing where you yell, “CHECK, PLEASE,” across the restaurant. 

Don’t date an asshole.  Got it.  Thanks, Cosmo.  You’re real fucking helpful.

5. He doesn’t desert you at his friends’ parties. It’s OK for him to encourage you to be friendly with his friends, but it’s not OK for him to have an exclusive conversation with Chad while you sit alone awkwardly on the couch.

Hey, maybe you should find out what Chad’s been going through before you get mad about this.  Maybe Chad just lost his job and his fiancé dumped him for her Guatemalan yoga instructor.  I mean, probably not.  Chad’s probably just talking about the time that cougar gave him a handjob in the TGI Friday’s bathroom.  Classic Chad!  But still, you don’t know.

6. He always offers to share the last slice of pizza with you and then doesn’t say anything when you “accidentally” eat way more than half of it. If the last slice is sacred enough for Drake to rap about it in a love song, (“You could have my heart or we could share it like the last slice“) then it must be a real sign of a potentially great romance. 

Okay, when did fucking Drake become the go to reference source for what love looks like.  Also, who is this Drake fellow?  Is he one of the those hippity-hop people the kids are always talking about?  And if so, is it safe to assume he fucked Kim Kardashian?  (She’s still a thing, right?)  Plus, pizza comes in even numbered slices.  Always.  So you will each have the same number of pieces.  Every time.  It’s simple fucking math, people.

7. He doesn’t manspread across your entire schedule and take over your whole world. 

Look, if you’re going to use a term that doesn’t actually mean what you are implying it means, use fucking quotes.  Like this, “He doesn’t “manspread” across…”  Because “manspread” refers to a man who spreads his legs unnecessarily wide in order to take up more room on a bus or train seat.

8. He’s genuinely interested in (or at least good at faking it) your long, rambly stories about family vacations you took as a kid. Instead of getting frustrated and impatient when you talk for 10 minutes about that one weird trip you went on in 2007, he’s excited to hear about what happened after that fight you had with your little brother in the backseat of the family van.

Ha!  All he heard was that you had a story about something crazy you did in the back seat of a van.  That look on his a face is disappointment.

9. He doesn’t get upset when you say you need some alone time. 

Well, since he uses the phrase “alone time” to mean watching porn and masturbating, he’s gonna assume you mean the same thing, so now he’s using his “alone time” to masturbate to the thought of you watching porn and masturbating.  Oh, did I just ruin something for you?

10. He never says things like, “You’re being crazy,” or, “You’re being ridiculous.” 

But what if you actually are being crazy?  “No, Beth, I can assure your cat is not Hitler reincarnated.  Your cat’s just an asshole.  You’re being crazy.”  Or what if you are being ridiculous?  “What?  You think I have a crush on Becky?  The one with the great rack, 3 gigs of lesbian porn on her laptop and an ass I’d like to wear as a hat?  You’re being ridiculous, babe!”

11. He makes you feel like a hot babe all the time. You don’t want to spend a significant amount of time with a guy who makes you feel insecure or question whether or not he’s attracted to you.

So, once again, no assholes?  Ok!  Thanks again, Cosmo!  <sprains eyeball tendon rolling eyes>

12. He has female friends who aren’t just a collection of women who’ve seen his penis before. 

Or maybe he’s just a champ at getting friendzoned!  Also, there’s no way you’ll ever get suspicious of how much he talks to Jessica.  “We’re just friends, sweetie!  (Until she lets me touch her butt.)  You’re being ridiculous!”

13. He gets really excited when you hit it off with his best friend Jason, just like he knew you would. 

Like, REALLY excited….

“Have you ever heard of an ‘Eiffel Tower?’  Yeah, I had to look it up too, after Jason told me about it.  You remember Jason, right babe?”

14. You don’t find a million texts and missed calls on your phone from him after spending a night out with your girlfriends. 

Gah.  Like you didn’t have your phone on you while you were out with your girlfriends.  “I was so worried, I had to sext – err, text – Becky to make sure you were okay!”

15. He doesn’t try to act hard and pretend he doesn’t have feelings when he’s around you. Mature adults shouldn’t be afraid to say things like, “I like you,” or, “I think you’re really cool.”

“I think you’re really cool.”   Mature adults don’t say that.  I mean, I say it, but I have the emotional IQ of the average 8th grader, so I’m not a good litmus test.

16. He texts after work to see how that meeting with your boss went.

“How’d the meeting go?”

“Good, thanks.  I think we’ve got a really good plan-”

<dick pic>

17. He doesn’t rush you out the door when you’re trying to make sure your lip liner is perfectly applied and not smudged. He might do a little bit of gentle ribbing about how slow you are, but he shouldn’t shame you for taking your time and trying to look good. That’s rude.

I fell asleep reading this one.  Three times.

18. When he screws up, he’s quick to apologize instead of letting you stew in your anger for a week and a half.

The general rule is to let someone stew for 2-3 days, max.  Duh….  Typically over the Call of Duty Double XP weekend.

19. And when you screw up, he doesn’t hold a grudge forever like a sullen teen named Todd. 

Fucking Todd.

But now I want to know what Todd did to this writer to make his name come up.  I bet he started rumors about her after she wouldn’t let him do any under-the-shirt-over-the-bra stuff at the Sadie Hawkin’s dance.

Fucking Todd.

20. He has interests and hobbies aside from dating you. You want to date a person, not a prepackaged boyfriend. That gets so boring so fast. 

“You wanted me to have outside hobbies, babe!  My hobby just happens to Becky!  Bendy, bendy Becky……. This is on you, really.”

Also, what the actual fuck is a “prepackaged boyfriend?”  Seriously, I’m trying to figure it out…

21. When you’re hanging out, he talks about things he wants to do with you in the future, even if it’s just the near future.  

<cough> Butt stuff <cough>

22. He doesn’t immediately start acting like your boyfriend after hanging out one time in a friend’s backyard. 

I bet it was Fucking Todd again.  Take the hint, Todd!

23. He sends a “Hey, I had a lot of fun” text after hanging out with you. 

Bonus points if he wrote “Hey, I had a lot of fun” on his dick and sent you a pic.  How romantic is that?

(Update:  According to my wife just now, not very romantic.  Sidenote, anyone know how to get Sharpie off of your….um…..person?)

24. He’s clear about his intentions early on, instead of leaving you in “Is he a hookup or a boyfriend?” limbo for forever. 

His intentions remain getting you and Becky to agree to a threeway.  Men really aren’t that hard to understand.

25. He gets excited about showing you things he likes.

You do know that getting “excited about showing you things he likes” means you’re about to watch his porn collection, right?  Some he stars in, some he just uses for “research purposes.”  Also, probably some nudes of Becky.

Holy F#*k!

I was scouring the internet looking for stuff to make fun of, and I asked myself, “Where do I find judgmental, I-know-more-than-you assholes who like to tell people what to do?”

And then it hit me…

Christians.

A few Google searches later, I stumbled on a Christian sex advice blog.  Could this be what I was looking for?  You’re damn right.  As you read this entry, keep in mind that all of this sex advice is aimed at married adults, because, you know, no sex until marriage is kind of their thing.

On the front page of the blog is an entry (tee-hee, entry) on what to get your husband for Christmas for your “marriage bed.”  Ideas included here are: a canopy, wall art (hers is a scripture quote, because nothing says “ride me, cowboy” like the Paul’s letter to the Phoenicians), socks (wtf?), lingerie (ok), and games.  Games?  Now we’re onto something.  Her example is a Spin The Bottle game, where each space on the wheel is a different act.  Maybe I was wrong about these Christian sex fiends, maybe they’ve got it going on.  Let’s see what’s written on these spaces, shall we?  Hmm…”butt squeeze.”  Okay, bit of a slow start.  How about, “Kiss on the cheek?”  What?  Maybe the next spin you’ll score with “Hold hands.”  Hold hands?  Why, Marjorie, you little strumpet!!  But don’t forget “Words of affirmation.”  Words.  Of.  Affirmation.  Look, ladies, the only “words of affirmation” your man wants to hear in the bedroom are, “I’m cool with butt stuff” or “I believe you remember Lexie, from yoga class?”

Let’s move on.

Here’s one called Oral Sex: How To.  Let’s dive into this.  (pun intended)

She writes here that some people (satanists, no doubt) have gotten oral sex tips from watching porn.  Not her, though.  “Here’s the truth: I have never seen a porn film. I put it in the ranks of heroin. I don’t need to try it to know I don’t need to try it.”

Porn = heroin.

I suppose then that the sports bra-clad mannequin at Dick’s Sporting Goods is marijuana.  Which makes yoga pants mushrooms.  Bikini watching at the pool would be….Valium?  Strip clubs are clearly cocaine, and the entire country of Thailand is crystal meth.

She goes out on a limb with her next sentence, “The point is, some husbands would like their wives to “go down” on them.”  Yeah, maybe one or two.

Then we get into the meat (I am killing it today with the entendres!) of the article, the “How-To.”

Do you really blow?”  This is an article for married women.  Married, meaning, presumably, not 13.

How much of his penis do I put in my mouth?”   “You can put your mouth only around the head of the penis, move your mouth over the shaft, or even deep-throat your husband’s penis (see below).”  Hahahaha – “see below.”

What do I do with my mouth?”  “We’ve established that you don’t blow, but you do kiss, lick, and suck with your lips and tongue. The tongue, in fact, can be very important in stimulation.”  Can be?

Should I spit or swallow?”  I suppose I should really resist the urge to make a “What would Jesus do?” joke here.  But she goes on to say, “If you don’t want to swallow, be polite about spitting.”  Yeah, I mean, a little decorum wouldn’t kill you, ladies.

“”What if I give my husband a blow job, and I don’t like it? Will I have to do it again?”  “There is NO rule that you must have oral sex as part of an intimate relationship. Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it.”  I repeat, “Plenty of sexually satisfied couples do not engage in it.”  Umm, I’m gonna need you to cite your sources on this one.  Later she suggests, “Perhaps you don’t want to perform fellatio, but you are willing to do strip-tease for him or introduce an appropriate sex toy or give him a hand job.”  Appropriate sex toy.  Appropriate.  How did that go?

Wife:  “How about adding a toy to our marriage bed?”
Husbands runs off and returns a moment later with a toy.
Wife:  “That’s Buzz Lightyear.”
Husband runs off again.
Wife:  “That’s a vegetable steamer.”
Runs off once more.
Wife:  “That’s my Nana’s trophy for taking third place in the Tri-County Ping Pong Tournament, 1957.”
Husband:  “I read this thing on the internet that said anything’s a dildo if you’re brave enough.”
Wife:  “When were you on the internet?!”
Husband:  “I…”
Wife:  “Go burn the laptop.”
Husband:  “We could just do system restore, that would get rid of any-“
Wife:  “BURN IT!”

And, scene.

In the comments section, there are WAY too many comments from men married 10 or more years, hoping that his article will convince their wives to at least try oral sex.  Look, if you want to save yourself for marriage, knock yourself out, but at least be smart enough to discuss this stuff ahead of time.  Number of kids?  Where should we live?   Are you a vegetarian?  And on a similar note, where do we stand on this whole genital licking thing?  Seriously, ask.  Because, it’s going to come up (on fire, I tell you!).  Your husband knows about blow jobs.  He’s heard people talking about them.  Or even seen one.  And if you’re husband says he has never seen porn, he’s a damn liar.  If nothing else, some ne’er do in his neighborhood (probably that Travis from down the street), showed him something. And even if he did leave right away, there is no way he will ever forget the very nice things that buxom college girl was doing to her professor’s penis.

In the article, “How Kinky Can You Get?” appears the sentence, “I cannot find a Bible verse that says, “Thou Shalt Not . . .” to anal penetration.”  Awesome.  I don’t think I’m going to get very far with that argument.  I mean, yes, of course, I’m gonna give it a shot.  It won’t hurt.  (I’ve also tried that argument, fyi.)

Last but not least, let’s see if we can “Freshen Up Your Foreplay.”

Try such fancy things as:

“Give each other body massages or a sensual massage of your private areas.”
  Wait, isn’t the exact definition of foreplay pretty much “a sensual massage of your private areas?”  What the hell are these people doing for foreplay?

“Introduce food into your sexual play.”  
I mean, yeah, this sounds like fun, but every time I try to bring bacon-wrapped filets to bed, it’s all  “Oww!  Oww!  That burns!  Dammit!  Get it off me!”

“Grab some props. Gather a few items with texture or temperature — like a feather, heat packs, sensory massage balls, a silk scarf, an ice cube or chilled hard-boiled egg.”  
All right, all right, all right.  This is some good shit here…wait…a hard-boiled egg?

“Grab a Nerf gun. It’s a good motto for life really: If all else fails, grab a Nerf gun and see how that can improve your mood. Actually. load that baby up with water and squirt away at each other.”  
Everything else aside, you can’t load a Nerf gun with water.  Come on, lady!  Get your head out of your ass here!

“Get Spiritual
. Have you ever brought God into the bedroom in a big way?”  Look, lady, I’ve been asking for a threeway for nineteen fucking years.  It’s just not that easy.  Side note, if you bring God into the bedroom, is it still considered a “devil’s threesome?”

Awwww……yeah, baby….

A friend’s Facebook page linked an article on “Sexual Meditation.”

An article, on Sexual Meditation.

An article?

Shit.  I wrote the book on Sexual Meditation.

OK.  Just read the article.  Turns out when she talks about “Sexual Meditation,” she’s actually not referring to sitting by yourself in a dark room watching porn.  Who knew there’d be more than one definition of Sexual Meditation?

So, let’s get to it.  Making fun of the article, that is.  Not watching porn.  <looks at calendar, pencils in time to watch porn>

The second sentence reads, “Regular sexual meditation, either alone or with your partner, can ultimately be a direct path to contact each other’s consciousness while making love.”  The consciousness isn’t what I’m looking to make contact with when I’m making love.  (To be clear, what I’m trying to make contact with starts with a “v” and rhymes with “pagina.”)

Step 1.  Choose a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Sexual meditation, like any type of meditation, achieves the best results if done regularly without any interruptions.  If Sexual Meditation means “masturbation” (and I think we can all agree it does), high school me was a Grand Poobah* of Sexual Meditation.  (Just kidding, Mom.  I was brushing my hair.)

*I was unable to find the rankings for Sexual Meditation mastery, I can only assume Grand Poobah is at the top.

Step 2. Try to meditate in the same place and at the same time each day. This isn’t strictly necessary, but over time, the routine you follow will reinforce in your mind what your intentions are and you will slip more easily into your meditative mood.  Hee-hee, “slip more easily into.”

Step 3. Aim for a 20 minute session. You can meditate for shorter periods, but 20 to 30 minutes each day is ideal.  20 minutes?!  I hope that includes the post-“meditation” snuggling and my standard round of apologies.

Step 4.  Get comfortable. It doesn’t matter if you meditate in a seated position or if you are lying down.

  • Keep your spine straight, whether you are sitting or lying down.
  • Keep your arms by your sides if you are lying down—allow just a little space between your body and your arms and allow your arms to be completely relaxed.
  • Rest your arms loosely in your lap if you meditate in a seated position.
  • Keep your chin up and your head aligned with your spine if you are seated.
  • Decide if you want to meditate with your eyes open or closed. If you decide to keep your eyes open, try not to focus on any one object in the room.

Eyes open?  What am I, German?!

Step 5. Pay attention to your breath. Begin deep, rhythmic breathing, and continue the pattern for at least 5 minutes.  Lady, if I could anything deeply or rhythmically for 5 continuous minutes, I wouldn’t be reading sexual help articles.

Step 6. Begin breathing normally. You will still pay attention to each breath, but your breathing at this point should be regular (not shallow) and rhythmic.  “Breath normally.”  Pretty sure that’s what the first girl I ever touched had to say to me to keep me from hyper-ventilating.

Step 7. Begin focusing on your partner. Concentrate on communicating your sexual thoughts to the energetic fields of your partner.

  • On the in breath, see you and your partner energetically.
    Um…okay?
  • On the out breath, communicate your desires to your partner’s energy field. These thoughts don’t have to be specific; in fact, it is more productive to simply think in general terms: “We are sexually and spiritually in harmony,” “We are compatible in all ways.”  Can it be about butt stuff?  I like butt stuff.  Please let it be about butt stuff.  I’m just gonna assume that’s okay.

Step 8. Do this meditation with your partner. Sit in the same room together, facing each other, but with eyes closed.

  • Work together to synchronize your breathing. Begin by focusing on your own breath, while your partner will focus on his/her breath. Do this for 5 minutes. When you both begin breathing regularly and rhythmically, start becoming aware of each other’s breath and you will naturally begin to synchronize your breathing patterns.  Again with the 5 minutes?!
  • Project your thoughts into each other’s energy fields. You and your partner can decide ahead of time if you want to focus on certain thoughts or particular situations, or you can each project private.   Still thinking about butt stuff.

Tips

  • Doing a sexual meditation with your partner works well if you both lie down in the traditional “spoon” position. The goal is the same as in a seated partner meditation: to focus on each other’s breathing and to project, loving, sexual thoughts into each other’s energy fields. This spoon position also allows you both to feel each other’s physical bodies and breath, and is meant to enhance your awareness of each other, both physically and energetically.  If  I can’t be the little spoon, I’m out.
  • Eventually, with regular practice, you and your partner will be able to feel and to release each other’s energetic blockages.  I’m totally using this.  I have a feeling I’ll get a much better response waking her up at 5 am if I say it’s to help release an “energetic blockage.”
  • If it’s not to distracting, doing this in the nude can make you more relaxed and make the connection stronger.  First of all, it should be “If it’s not TOO distracting.”  Secondly, if spooning naked doesn’t distract you, I’m guessing an internet article on Sexual Meditation isn’t gonna provide all the help you really need.

Warnings
In ancient China, sexual meditation was taught by masters. This method of meditation is powerful and it was considered sacred. Regular sexual meditation with loving intent can lead to a profound inner spiritual experience, as well as varying degrees of enlightenment. Sexual meditation, whether done alone or with your partner, is always to be considered honorable and done with loving kindness.  Loving kindness?  What if I want some rough Sexual Meditation?  The kind with handcuffs and a guy in a clown suit who throws pies at me just before I climax?  I mean, as long as it’s done in good taste.

 

 

I’ve Written So Many Times About Cosmo’s Sex Advice I’ve Run Out Of Titles

Me making fun of Cosmo’s sex advice is kinda like running back to your ex.  Except this is WAY easier and I don’t regret it all.  I’ve said before that recently their sex advice has been so uninspired, so unimaginative (read also: so unhelpful) that it’s not worth making fun most of the time, so I have to wait 5 or 6 months to stumble upon a good one.  They came through (finally) in the October 2014 issue.  (Sidenote, they’ve stared doing this crap where they scatter sex advice throughout the whole issue, meaning I have to flip every single page to track it down.  I can only assume this is a direct attack on me.  And it’s pretty effective.  I already feel pervy enough flipping through 8 issues at the library, now I’ve got to go through them one page at a time.  Not cool, Cosmo.  There’s no reason to punish me, I didn’t make your sex advice crappy.)

This column was entitled “10 Fun Freaky Sex Moves.”  I’ll take on 7 of these, the rest being so blah, I imagine most 8th graders are already bored by those moves.

Here we go:

Light as a feather, stiff as a D  –  “Lie on your back while your partner caresses your breasts with a feather moving closer to your cave of wonders.”  Cave. Of. Wonders.  Not vulva or vagina or clitoris.  Cave of wonders.  Hell, I’d have overlooked “naughty bits” or even “lady parts.”  (Okay, probably not “lady parts.”)  HOMEWORK:  I want each of you to insert (hee-hee) your own “spelunking” joke here.  She continues, “Try to be still while he ravishes you like a Cronut after the gym.”  A Cronut after the gym?  Also, is it me, or does a feather seem like the absolute least effective tool to use if your goal is “ravish” someone.  Tickle?  Sure.  Annoy?  Most likely.  Cause an infection because you failed to clean it before placing it near the cave of wonders?  Probably.

Rated X  –  “Sitting in the back with your Partner in Grind…”  Ugh.  Partner in Grind.  Get it?  Because sex can sometimes look like two people GRINDing on each other?  Huh?  Two PARTNERs, GRINDing on each other?  PARTNER.  IN.  GRIND.  I can just see the author doing the comedy equivalent of jazz hands when she busted this gem out at girls’ night.  Look, I fucking love bad puns.  Seriously, I think they are the pinnacle of comedic genius, and I’m not just saying that because that’s the only type of pun I can ever come up with.  BUT, don’t capitalize it like that.  We get it, I promise.  It wasn’t that subtle.

Dirty Pictures  –  “Ain’t no shame in your naughty-costume game.”  Okay, I have to admit something here.  I did research, so help me baby Jesus, research, on Cosmo for this one, and the majority of their readership is under 35.  The album, “Ain’t No Shame In My Game” came out in 1990.  Meaning most of the women reading this were less than ten years old when this reference was a thing.  Also, while their demographics failed to break down readership by race, I think we can all agree Cosmo is the whitest magazine since “Horse and Pony News.”  (It’s real, I shit you not.)  Call me cynical, but I doubt many future Cosmo readers were screaming “That’s my jam, bitch!” when Candyman’s “Knockin’ Boots” came on in mom’s minivan on the way home from 4H Club.

The author winds the article up with “…your man will be harder than Vin Diesel’s thighs.”  Look, I already gave you “like a Cronut after the gym.”  But that’s enough.  I get the feeling the writer had just finished a 3-day workshop on creative comparisons, and kinda missed the point.

Mind-f*ck  –  Because at Cosmo, we’ll tell you how to fuck, but we won’t use the word.  But I digress.  “Lie on the patient couch and tell the therapist (aka your lovah)…”  Imma stop you there, Cosmo.  Look people, if you’re so dumb, you think Cosmo is telling you to go out there and fuck your therapist, that’s on you.  Also, lovah?  And the italics was Cosmo, not me.  Not even kidding.  The only good thing about using the term “lovah” is that it reminded me of the Will Ferrell/Rachel Dratch skit on SNL forever ago.  I just spent 15 minutes on YouTube trying to find it but couldn’t.  Sorry.  It’s funny.  They call each other “lovah” in it.  <sigh>Nevermind.

Edward Scissorhands-y  –  “Edward Scissorhands” also came out in 1990.  I think I can safely say that the author is in her early 40’s and clearly drew the short straw on writing the article, and in the end, gave her college-aged niece and friends an afternoon of free-flowing wine to get the scoop on kids these days, then mixed-it-up by adding references that she understood.  Delightful.  It begins:  “Your lover role plays Eddie Sizz (personal note – “groan”) and you’re Winona Ryder (finally!)”  Finally?  What the fuck has been keeping you from pretending to be Winona Ryder?  And why is that a thing that makes you so hot?  And for my money, be Winona Ryder from “Beetlejuice,” duh.

Then, “Tie him up, binding his lawn-clipper claws – ahem, hands – above his head.”  Oh.  He doesn’t really have to have lawn-clipper claws?  Whew.  Thanks for clearing that up.  I feared a couple of forty-somethings were gonna be half-way through this scenario, get to “lawn-clipper claws” and have absolutely no fucking clue what to do next, leading the wife to start sobbing since all she wanted was to spice it up a little and try something new while the husband tries to comfort her by saying he could run to the shed and grab the hedge trimmers but that he doesn’t have any clippers because it’s 2014 and who the fuck uses clippers anymore and GODDAMMIT I HATE YOU, COSMO!

And lastly, (Edward Scissorhands-y is an intricate move.  Clear your schedule.)  “Then kiss his entire body by candlelight, pausing to give him a classic 90’s inspired hand job.”  What the actual fuck is a “90’s inspired hand job?”  Is it when you put a tiny, sleeveless flannel shirt on his dick and pretend it’s a disaffected but angry penis from Seattle?  Or is it when you give a hand job while singing the lyrics to “Yellow Ledbetter?”  Because figuring out those lyrics is fucking impossible.  PS:  Those were jokes, Cosmo.  Don’t start telling women to dress-up penises.  That’s ridiculous.  Unless maybe it’s a top hat or something.  You know, class-up the place a bit.  I think I’d look pretty good sporting a tiny top hat down there.  I mean, tiny compared to a regular top hat.  Not tiny for a penis top hat.  I’d use a regular-sized penis top hat, I suppose.  Like a size 7?  Or maybe a “Venti?”  I’m not really sure how penis top hat sizing works.

Vamp(ire) It Up  –  “Suit up in some blood-red lingerie.  Brush your teeth so they’re nice and shiny.”  Yep, that’s classic Vlad The Impaler, right there.  The whole “vampire” thing was just a mix up.  He’s wasn’t a blood-thirsty monster.  He just liked to brush his teeth and wear the occasional red bustier.  It just got blown way out of proportion.  Thanks, Obama!  Also, “Brush your teeth so they’re nice and shiny?”  How does Cosmo think brushing your teeth works?  I’m not gonna think, “Look at those chompers!  She’s a vampire!  No wait, she just brushed her teeth.  It’s all good.  Sorry to bother you, 911.”  And lastly, “…<make> your way downtown for a Boo-J.”  A Boo-J?  That doesn’t make any sense.  Vampires don’t say boo, they like to suck on things……..oooooohhhhh!  I see what you did there.

Keep up the good work, Cosmo!

I’m being serious though.  This shit is great.

 

More Sex Stuff

I decided to take a break from pervin’ on old copies of Cosmo at the library and take a look at their online version.  (A note to the denizens of the library, I will be back and your disdainful glances will still have no effect on me.  I spent 13 years in Catholic school, so I can assure you I am immune to disdainful glances.)  The online version is pretty lame, quite frankly, but the section titled “Sex Tips and Tricks from Guys” seemed promising.  Okay, brothers, here’s our chance to tell millions of women what we really like in bed.  And go!

“An ex once came to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt. The sight was jaw-dropping.” –Nick, 30

Really?  Maybe I  being too pragmatic here, but I already don’t like sleeping in the wet spot, and now you’re gonna let a cold-ass, dripping wet shirt soak through the mattress pad.  No thanks.

1305891044_babys_reaction_to_cold_water

“This chick leaned against the dresser and stuck her butt out for doggie-style. I definitely obliged.” –Glenn, 23

You obliged?  Stop patting yourself on the back there, Glenn.  You didn’t save a village from systematic genocide, you banged your girlfriend from behind.   Bravo.

tumblr_n0g19201461qf1116o1_400

“Seeing a woman’s lips glide over the neck of a beer bottle always makes me think of her mouth on me.” –Ty, 21

No shit, Ty.  Did you come up with that all by your lonesome?

duh

“Your guys will always want to go shopping with you if you let him into the dressing room as you try on clothes—especially lingerie.” –Nathan, 21

Oh, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan.  Poor, naive Nathan.  You are not getting sexy time by watching your girlfriend try on clothes.  She’ll be convinced that all of them make her look fat, you’ll try to argue, you’ll fail.  There will be tears.  From both of you.

chief_cry

“The night after I got a big promotion my girlfriend said she was going to give me only oral sex all night.”—Ken, 32

Wait, guys like oral sex?  Why, I had no idea.  Seriously ladies, if this surprising news to you, you aren’t ready for any actual sex tips.

understand-nothing

“Wear silk gloves or a cashmere scarf and rub them against sensitive regions like my treasure trail.” –Louis, 24

“Treasue trail?”  Louis, what are you 15?  Just stop.

4925

“News flash: Guys have nipples too, and they’re a lot more sensitive than you’d think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands tease my package.” –Rory, 21

Rory.  First of all, sorry about your name.  That’s too bad.  And there was something else…hmmm…what was it again?  Oh yeah.  Did you say package?

stir

Don’t say package.

“My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately.” –Ron, 25

I’m gonna channel my inner Mr. Mackey here, Ron.  “Date rape is bad, mm-kay?”

tumblr_mvk4jv9XXu1rnf5opo1_500

 

“There’s this groove on the back of my neck above my spine. Suck on it during a make-out session—I’ll be hard ASAP.” –Paco, 29

Where to begin, Paco?  Where.  To.  Begin.  First,  your neck is part of your spine, so…yeah…   Secondly, if you’re making out with a girl, how the hell is she supposed to suck on the back your head?  Unless maybe…

head-spin

“Do what my first girl did: Moan my name while I pleasure you.” –Eddie, 28

Why do I want my girl to moan your name, Eddie?

tumblr_mfly1zSeSj1qzn13io1_500

“My lady likes to lie facedown on the bed, with her legs straight and her arms at her sides. To enter her, I have to push past her legs and cheeks. The resistance is really hot.” —Lyle, 21

Lyle.  Your lady is asleep.  Also, Mr. Mackey, again.

tumblr_m3d4sdVFXN1rnua94o1_500

Not perfect, but pretty close.

“When you’re near the point of no return, whisper four-letter words into my ears—the really dirty ones.” –Fred, 23

Poop?  Work?  Taxes?  No wait, that’s five letters.  What words do you mean, Fred?!

does-not-get-it

“During Missionary, place your hands on your man’s shoulders and push against him. He’ll have to struggle to thrust upward, which means he’s working harder for his pleasure—always a turn on.” –Thomas, 22

Jeez, how date-rapey is the male readership of Cosmo?  (Myself excluded, of course.)

Creepometer2

“After climax, a guy’s head can feel overheated and tingly. If you gently pull his hair and massage his scalp, it will quickly relax him.”—Chris, 29

I…see, the thing is…what Chris means is…what the fuck do you mean, Chris?  You somehow need a way to relax after orgasm?  I don’t think you’re doing it right, partner.

bs2

“Flick just the tip of my penis under your tongue. Do it over and over. It would take hours for me to climax this way, but man, what a way to pass the time!” –Keith, 22

Because if there’s one thing women want to know, it’s how to make blow job take even longer.

bridesmaids

“I love when my girl touches my package like she’s never seen it before. She’s not innocent, but it’s a lot of fun pretending.” –Patrick, 23

Again with package?  Come on, guys!  But Patrick’s right, there’s nothing more exhilarating than being with a woman who has no idea what to do with a penis.

oh-goodie

Also, nice dig implying your girlfriend’s been around the block.  I’m sure that didn’t backfire on you at all.

Not a terribly applicable gif, but it makes me giggle.

“Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.” Jamie, 30

Uh, Jaime.  Maybe throw out that they might want to use lube for this.

poopin

“My girl would use marbles to tease me with in bed. She’d casually scatter them over the bed sheet and then as we get it on, I could feel the cool marbles press against my hot skin. It’s a wicked sensation.” –Greg, 21

Not with my sciatica, Greg.  Not with my sciatica.

no-no

“One night, my girlfriend stopped the action and pointed to the camera she’d set up in the corner.” –Justin, 21

“Then, she told me she was only 15.  And a guy.  It’s costing me $300 a month to keep the tape under wraps.”  Justin, probably.

shit

 

Oh well, better luck next time, Cosmo.

Bunch of Damn Pervs…

After 230,000 miles my old Pathfinder finally gave up on me.  Its demise necessitated the purchase of a new car which is in the midst of its 90-day free trial of satellite radio.  What I’ve learned about satellite radio is there’s no reason for me to renew it when the trial is over.  All I do is hit the seek button a hundred times an hour.  I’m wearing out my arm.

But they do have an all 50s station that I have started paying attention to, and I’ve realized that the 50s were not the puppies and rainbows decade they’d have us believe.  If you read through the line of these 50s love songs, it paints a pretty bleak picture.  Of course, part of that is due to the fact that teenagers are, have always been, and will always be a bunch of horn-balls.  The 50s maybe just tried a little harder to cover it up.

Let’s start with “Silhouettes” by The Rays(1957).  It’s a lovely little number about a guy standing outside his girl’s window when he sees two people about to go at it.  He understandably gets upset and begins pounding on the door, eventually threatening to beat it down if she doesn’t answer.  (Yikes!)  The door finally opens and our intrepid peeping Tom discovers he is at the wrong house.  At this point, he runs to the correct house and, to paraphrase, “loves her like he’s never loved her before.”  I can only assume that means Reverse Cowgirl.

How about “Poison Ivy” by The Coasters(1959).  If this song’s not about a girl with STDs, I’ll punch a kitten in the face.  “Now you can look but you better not touch,” mm-hmmm.  And, “Late at night while you’re sleepin’ poison ivy comes a’creepin,'”  that’s the infection spreading.  How about, “But poison ivy, Lord’ll make you itch!!”  They’re not even being subtle anymore.  But then, “You’re gonna need an ocean of calamine lotion” shows how much they didn’t know about STDs in the 50s.  “You’ll be scratchin’ like a hound
The minute you start to mess around.”  Do they mean crabs,maybe?  Well, that’s not so bad.

“Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?” by The Shirelles (1960) is pretty obvious.  I know that 1960 is not the 1950s, but it is really close, so I’ll allow it.  Plus, I’m afraid if I don’t, I will run out of reference material before you have been sufficiently entertained.

And Gene McDaniels’ oh-so-understated “Point of No Return.”  “You just can’t get off a train that’s movin’ down the track.  I’m at the point of no return and for me there’ll be no turning back.”  Come on!  There’s even a train comparison.  I can only imagine him actually singing the song to warn the poor girl of his impending…expulsion.  I think that just made it creepier.  Aaaand….now I can’t stop imagining that.  Great.  Thanks, Gene.  Dick.  Son-of-a-bitch.  I just found out this song is from 1962.  What the fuck, Sirius XM?  You’re making me look like an asshole here.

Moving on.

“Sixty-Minute Man” by The Dominoes(1951).  I’m including this one for obvious reasons, but I want to concentrate on this lyric: “And 15 minutes of blowing my top.”  15.  Minutes.  The man is talking about a 15 minute orgasm.  That’s ridiculous.  And to quote the internet, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”  I will give full props to The Dominoes on the name of the song, which, if nothing else, has a great deal more panache than my song, “Eight and Half Minute Man (And That Includes The Foreplay.)”

Or Bobby Darrin’s “Plain Jane”(1958) about a not-so-attractive girl that he wants to go out with but won’t tell us why.  “I could never, never tell you why I love her like I do, but if you took her out for one fine night you’d feel the same way too.”  I think it’s pretty clear “Plain Jane” does anal.

And let’s not forget “Tutti Frutti” by Little Richard(1955).  Little Richard himself has said the original lyrics were “If it’s tight, it’s alright.  If it’s greasy, it makes it easy.”  Sounds like Little Richard spent some quality time with “Plain Jane.”

Now for some generalities.

The word “tenderness” comes up with an astonishing frequency in 1950s songs.  My research has revealed that over half (*figure not based on actual data) of all 50s songs include lyrics about missing “your tenderness” and needing “your tenderness”.  We can only surmise that “tenderness” was 1950’s teen code for “genitalia.”

And last but not least, we need to look at the prevalence of songs either about, or dedicated to, 16-year-old girls.  There is a preponderance of them.  In the 1950s, singing about “loving” a 16-year-old, and in some cases, rejoicing that she had finally turned 16, was perfectly okay.  But try that shit today and it’s all, “Sir, we’ve already called the police,” and “That’s VERY inappropriate!” and suddenly I’m banned from Hot Topic “like, permanently!”

Man, times sure have changed.

 

You Guys Have No Idea

How much I love you.  I spent 90 minutes in the public library shuffling through old copies of Cosmo for you.  No, I’m sure that didn’t look creepy at all – a 43-year-old man reading Cosmo sex articles in the library and taking notes.  Nothing to see here, Your Honor.

(Sidebar: Recently, @menshumor tweeted that they thought Cosmo was intentionally giving women horrible sex advice so they would stay single and keep buying Cosmo.  There may be something to that.)

So by now you can probably guess what this one’s about.  To be fair, I have tried (and continue to try) to find men’s magazines with the same shitty sex advice, but I haven’t found one.  If you find one, let me know and I’ll be happy to tackle it.  The problem is men’s magazines are all about either sports, cars or technology.  The one’s that are about sex, aren’t about helping you have better sex.  They’re about the fact that you’ve given up on finding a woman who will let you do stuff to her and what you need now simply is masturbation fodder.

This time, I’ll look at Cosmo from August of 2012, a piece on “Sex Tips Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.”  <sigh>  Yeah, because taking tips from a book that started out as fan fiction on a “Twilight” website is ALWAYS gonna work out. Whatever.  It’s in two sections:  “Dominate Him!” (exclamation point is not mine, I can assure you) and “Let Him Take Control.”  (Hmmm, no exclamation point?)

Here are some goodies from “Dominate Him!”:

6.  “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin) into different parts of his body – his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”    See, I’m just gonna think you’re hungry.  And crazy.  And if I start thinking you’re crazy, I’m only gonna have sex with you like 30 or 40 more times.  (Because crazy chicks are awesome in the sack, you see.  ‘Til they get all stabby.  And from fork to knife isn’t far to travel.)

8.  “Tell him that he’s your slave for the evening, and if he does whatever you want, his reward is sex that is all about him.”  Two things here:  1) Cosmo clearly does not understand the concept of the sex slave, and 2) Doing what a woman tells you to do all day just so you can have sex isn’t really all that special for us.  *rim shot*

9.  “In your meanest schoolteacher voice, tell him to stand in a corner facing the wall and not to move.  After a few minutes, demand that he get into bed and ravage you.”  Um, if my wife yelled at me like that, my response wouldn’t be to get an erection, it would be, “Have you lost your goddamned mind?”  Then I’d get a beer.

11.  “Swivel a small ice cube over his frenulum (Note: they do not specify, but I am going to assume they mean the one on the penis, and not the one under the tongue, however, this IS Cosmo, so who the fuck knows) again and again until it completely melts.  While his skin is still wet, blow hot breath on it (breathe out through an open mouth).”  Okay, this one actually sounds intriguing, but I’m including because they felt it necessary to include instructions on how to blow hot air.  Ladies, if you haven’t mastered blowing warm air out of your mouth, then the old “ice the frenulum” trick is a bit out of your skill set.

15.  “Tie his silk tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky hand job.”  See, now I’m convinced that Cosmo is run by penis-hating lesbians.  Every article they have ends up with tying a penis up.  Besides, silk ties are fucking expensive.  You know whats not expensive?  Lube.  Try lube.

25.  “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive.”  What?  Yes, I’m dripping wet, standing on a wet surface, by all means, smack me with a brush and make me jump.  Then read next month’s Cosmo for tips on giving a sexy sponge bath to your newly paraplegic boyfriend.

These next few came from the “Let Him Take Control” section.  Also, the fact that you think telling him what to do is letting him take control might explain why you’re still single.  But I digress.

3.  “Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, ‘Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and I need a spanking.'”  Sweet merciful baby Jesus.  “Professor Wankerton?”  Words cannot describe the stupidity.

10.  “Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it – the muted sensation feels amazeballs.”  Hey, if you think this is gonna float your boat then by all means, go for it.  But, as a general rule, don’t take any advice from someone who uses the word “amazeballs.”

11.  “Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour.  Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with the coins (outside only!).  The cold against the heat?  Incredible.”  I’m gonna add this:  Make sure you use Canadian coins.  You stick something to a woman’s vulva, she’s gonna claim it as it hers.  No need to be out two bucks.

15.  “Get him to wrap your wrists in toilet paper for a lighter restraint.  While you are bound, he should tease you to the point where you’re so turned on, you have to rip free of your shackles.”  And when you break free, scream “HULK COME!”

20.  “Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes midforeplay.  He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm.”  Yeah, that’s gonna be YOUR fucking toothbrush.

I’ll say this, even though the article was chock full of hilarity, kudos to you if you’re the guy dating this girl.  She seems fun.

*BONUS MATERIAL*

Cosmo has a question and answer series by their “sex expert” (not the same person who the article above).  Well, their sex expert is “the author of several books, including ‘Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.'”  I repeat, “Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.”  That’s the name.  Of her book.  About dirty talk.  I can only assume that in this book she replaces “Fuck me hard!” with “Your Tumescent Member: How Thrusting It Into Me Expeditiously and with Increased Vigor Would Be Rather Scintillating.”