Well, now that it appears Cosmopolitan Magazine is out of the horrible sex advice business, I’ve had to look elsewhere. Luckily, we live in the golden age of the internet, where just about any idiot can have his own website.
Wait a minute…..
And that’s the story of how I stumbled upon this little article, “33 Seriously Naughty Questions That’ll Turn You BOTH On.” Oh yeah, now we’re talking. You can tell it’ll be quite ribald because it says the questions are seriously naughty, naughty enough to turn on both the asker AND the askee! Let’s do this!
(Sidenote: starting a “naughty session” with a guy by saying “Um, I have a question” is NOT the way to go. But let’s see how this plays out.)
1. When is the last time you’ve had a dream about me?
“Oh, all the time, babe! All the time. I never dream about your sister. Swear to God!”
2. If I could only wear yoga pants or short skirts for the rest of my life, what would you choose for me?
“Oh yeah? Why?”
“Cuz if all you wear is short skirts, you’d never shut up about being cold.”
3. Guess what color underwear I’m wearing?
“That’s not a question. Putting a question mark at the end of an imperative sentence doesn’t make it a question.”
4. What’s the naughtiest thing you’ve ever done?
“Stabbed a hobo in Lubbock for $300 bucks. Is that the seriously naughty question?”
5. What’s your most hardcore fantasy?
Him: “Oh, I don’t know, babe…”
Her: “Come on. If you don’t tell me, it’ll never come true.”
Him: “I really don’t-”
Her: “Don’t you love me?”
Him: <sigh> “Fine. I’m tied up on the bed…”
Her:”Ooh, I like where this is going.”
Him: “Mmm-hmm. And you’re doing a little strip tease…”
Her: “Go on…”
Him: “And just as you get naked, your friends, who are they, Bethany and Crystal? The ones we met at the James Blunt concert you made me go to?”
Her: “You mean, Heather and Tina?”
Him: “Sure. Anyway, they come in, and you all wrestle to see who gets to give me the first blow job. Well, obviously, it ends in a tie and you all have to blow me at the same time. Then, while I’m recharging, you three go at it and I watch. Then, Heather takes a – Hey, where you going, babe? Babe?”
6. Have you ever said someone else’s name during sex, instead of the girl you were with?
“I have a strict policy of only saying my own name during sex. You know that.”
7. What’s the most sensitive part of your body?
“My heart. Definitely my heart. Oh, and my taint. Stop ignoring that, please.”
8. Have you ever dated two girls at the same time?
“Not same time enough, if you know what I mean. What? Why do you keep leaving?”
9. Have you ever been caught masturbating?
10. Have you ever had sex outside?
“Sure. I refuse to take my slumpbusters home. I’m not an idiot.”
11. Have you ever used a sex toy in bed?
“Freshman year of high school I fucked the arm pit of a Teddy Ruxpin. Does that count?”
12. When was the last time you masturbated?
“Well, it wasn’t 20 minutes ago, I can tell you that!”
13. If you could only have one type of sex for the rest of your life, what would you choose: oral, anal or regular?
“You only get to pick one – ”
“I mean, for the rest of your whole – ”
14. Hair down there or all bare?
“Me or you?”
15. What’s your favorite sex position when I’m on top?
“What about when – ”
“But if we – ”
16. What’s your favorite position when you’re on top?
“That’s not – ”
17. Do you prefer me wearing makeup or none at all?
“That wasn’t even the question. Would you please stop watching football?”
18. Do you sleep in pajamas, underwear or nothing at all?
“We’ve been dating for over a year and you don’t know this one?”
19. If you could only ever sleep with one celebrity, who would you choose?
“Will Ferrel. That’s a funny mother fucker.”
“I said, sleep with.”
“I’ve made my choice.”
20. Have you ever felt jealous when you saw me talking to another guy?
“I feel like you want me to say yes.”
“I want you to be honest.”
“Do you? Cause we tried that with the question about my fantasy – why do you keep leaving?!”
21. Would you be angry if you saw me making out with a really hot girl?
“Oh, hell no! In fact, I’m down for anyone above a 6.”
22. Of all the things I’ve done with you in the bedroom, what’s your favorite?
“Remember when you let me sleep in the day after the Super Bowl? Babe! Babe, I’m kidding!”
23. Have you ever woken up beside someone you regretted sleeping with?
<muttering> “I’m beginning to regret…”
“Not that I can think of.”
24. What’s more important … boobs or butt?
“I feel like we covered this one already.”
“We’re not doing butt stuff!”
“Then why do you keep bringing it up?!”
25. If you could choose between me being slightly overweight or slightly underweight, which would you choose?
<feigns a stroke>
26. Have you ever woken the neighbors because you were so loud in the bedroom?
“Yeah, when I was putting together a new dresser from Ikea! Hi-yo!” <swings invisible golf club> “Seriously, babe, if you keep walking off, you’re gonna hit your FitBit goal in, like, no time.”
27. Have you read 50 Shades Of Grey? If so, did it turn you on?
“Well, as I am not a bored suburban housewife, no I did not.”
28. Have you ever had sex in public?
“I got a handjob in the undercarriage of a parade float once. Does that count?”
“I guess. Wait, when was this?”
“Long time ago, babe.”
“Who was it?”
29. Do you like it when I’m the dominant one in bed or do you prefer leading things?
“Damn right I do!”
“Turn off the fucking TV!”
30. Have you ever had anal sex? How did it go?
“It’s like you’re not even paying attention.”
31. When was the last time you went to a strip club?
<shudders> “Eww! A strip club? No thank you!”
“It’s okay if you’ve been to strip club…”
32. Do you think you could give me an orgasm by only touching my breasts and kissing me? Would you like to try?
<begins taking his shirt off> “Now we’re talking!”
“No! We’re just asking questions right now!”
33. Do my feet turn you on?
<puts shirt back on>
I don’t know about you guys, but I am REALLY turned on right now!