Back To The Well

I can’t quit you , Cosmo.  Not with your delightfully awful “advice” and truly insightful relationship articles.  You keep being you, Cosmo, and I’ll keep making fun of you.  This time, we’ll look at the joke that was Cosmo’s “His 10 Biggest Love Lies.”  And, like anytime Cosmo does an article about men, you can just go ahead and addend the title so it reads, “His 10 Biggest Love Lies That You Already Knew Were Lies So Aren’t You So Smart.”

#10: “I’m stuck in traffic.”  Cosmo: “The funny thing is, a guy will toss this line out even if what held him up is perfectly legitimate. Still, you shouldn’t let it slide — it’s a lie nonetheless.”  Me:  “Ugh, no we won’t.  If we have a legit excuse (that you won’t get mad about), we’ll tell you.  We’re too lazy to keep track of that many stupid lies.”

#9: “It wasn’t that expensive.”  Cosmo: “Men like toys, and they don’t like sensing your disapproval, even if you don’t share a bank account.”  Me: “I’ve never heard a man say this.  Ever.”

#8:“I’m on My Way”  Cosmo: “Guys usually throw you this line when you’re making them meet you at some event they don’t want to attend — like, say, your family reunion. He’s stalling, but he’s also being pouty. Consider: He can’t exactly refuse to go without enduring serious repercussions from you, and he can’t very well throw a temper tantrum in front of your pop-pop. So saying this and then showing up late is his way of gaining a wee amount of control.”  Me: “Or, you could just listen when he says he doesn’t want to go.  Your call, really.  Also, ‘pop-pop?’  Really, Cosmo?”

#7: “I Didn’t Have Too Much Too Drink.”  Cosmo: “If he says it often he could have an alcohol issue.”  Me: “Option B: He, in fact, does not have a drinking problem.”

#6: “Sorry, I Missed Your Call, # 5: “My Battery Died,” and # 4: “I Had No Signal.”  Cosmo: “These three lines all mean the same thing: I screened your call.”  Me: “Then they’re the SAME FUCKING LIE.  Not 3 different ones.  Cosmo’s habit of making numbered lists that don’t contain the number of items they say they do is embarrassing.  Shit, Cosmo, if you can only come up with 7 lies (which, quite frankly, means you’re not even trying), at least have the balls (tee-hee) to admit it and title your article ‘His Top 7 Love Lies.'”

#3: “No, Your Butt Doesn’t Look Big In That.”  Cosmo: “If you want an honest opinion, go ask one of your girls instead.”  Me: “Cosmo got this one right.  But before you go patting yourselves on the back with your response, keep in mind that if you think this is a big relationship lie, you’re a moron.”

#2: “This Will Be My Last Beer.”  Cosmo: “Our experts say this man-lie delivered over the phone means he wants to get you off ASAP so he can spend more time with his buddies.”  Me: “No shit.”

#1: “Nothing’s Wrong, I’m Fine”  Cosmo: “Next time he uses this line, give him a couple days and then ask him again if he is still bummed…and why. By then he may have figured things out.”  Me: “Or, just drop it.  Besides, in a couple of days, he won’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  Remember that bit about asking your girlfriend for an honest opinion of how you look?  It’s the same sort of deal here.  If you want to talk about feelings, find one of your girlfriends.  That’s not what we do.”

Sweet damn, do women really think these are the biggest lies we tell in a relationship?  Either women are adorably naive, or men are superb liars.  And because I’m here to help (as always), here are the real top 6 lies we tell (not including infidelity cover-ups).  See, Cosmo, when I can only come up with 6, I don’t pretend it’s more than that.  It’s really not that hard.

#6:  The lie: “Hell yeah I want to go fishing with you dad!”  The truth: “Fuck.  Shoot me now.”

#5:  The lie: “I understand.”  The truth: “I quit listening 20 minutes ago.  Are we having sex yet?”

#4:  The lie: “What?! I can’t believe she did/said that!”  The truth: “I have no fucking clue why any of this is a big deal.”

#3:  The lie: “Nah, I don’t really think your cousin/BFF/roommate is all that hot.”  The truth: “Holy crap!  I would stab a hobo to see her naked.”

#2: The lie: “Eww, threesomes sound gross.”*  The truth: “No, they fucking do not.”  *Normally, the idea of a man saying this wouldn’t even cross my mind, but a friend repeatedly told me that her husband has said this and refuses to recant. I told her every chance I got that he was lying, but she didn’t believe me.  Even if he means a “Devil’s threesome” there’s still a %75 chance he’s lying.  There has never been a time in history where going from one naked woman to two has not sounded awesome.  I believe Carl Sagan said that.

#1:  The lie: “I didn’t mean to put it in your butt.”  The truth: “Um, yeah I did.”  And, “I get that you’re mad now, but you know, maybe next time…”

An Open Letter To My Penis

Hey partner,

I know it’s been a while since we talked.  Not much since 8th grade.  And back then it was pretty much just me begging you to go away as I made the far-too-short trek from my desk up to the blackboard.  But you never did go away, did you, you little rascal?  You turgid scamp?  Nope.  It was just me desperately trying to solve the Pythagorean Theorem while the whole time you saw fit to strain against the dangerously thin fabric of my poverty-grade uniform pants.  I spent so much time doubled over, the school nurse thought I had scoliosis.

Then you spent all of high school playing your hysterical little game of “up periscope.”  Every friggin’ day.  Thanks for that.  You do realize that made it even more difficult to find someone (else) who would touch you, don’t you?  You managed to take my already disastrous social awkwardness, and run that shit up to DefCon4, all based on the knowledge that if some poor girl did have the audacity to speak to me for more than 3 minutes, you’d wake up to see what was afoot.

But we got past that, eventually (I can’t stay mad at you), and haven’t spoken much since, save the occasional apology during our college years.  And once again, I am sorry about all that.

We’ve had a pretty good run over all, and though you don’t greet me every morning as enthusiastically as you used to, I’m looking forward to many more years of trouble-free operation.

To sum up:  High school?  All is forgiven.  College?  My bad.  The future?  Hang in there, pal!  (Except, don’t, you know, literally hang there.)

Love,

Buddy