You Guys Have No Idea

How much I love you.  I spent 90 minutes in the public library shuffling through old copies of Cosmo for you.  No, I’m sure that didn’t look creepy at all – a 43-year-old man reading Cosmo sex articles in the library and taking notes.  Nothing to see here, Your Honor.

(Sidebar: Recently, @menshumor tweeted that they thought Cosmo was intentionally giving women horrible sex advice so they would stay single and keep buying Cosmo.  There may be something to that.)

So by now you can probably guess what this one’s about.  To be fair, I have tried (and continue to try) to find men’s magazines with the same shitty sex advice, but I haven’t found one.  If you find one, let me know and I’ll be happy to tackle it.  The problem is men’s magazines are all about either sports, cars or technology.  The one’s that are about sex, aren’t about helping you have better sex.  They’re about the fact that you’ve given up on finding a woman who will let you do stuff to her and what you need now simply is masturbation fodder.

This time, I’ll look at Cosmo from August of 2012, a piece on “Sex Tips Inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.”  <sigh>  Yeah, because taking tips from a book that started out as fan fiction on a “Twilight” website is ALWAYS gonna work out. Whatever.  It’s in two sections:  “Dominate Him!” (exclamation point is not mine, I can assure you) and “Let Him Take Control.”  (Hmmm, no exclamation point?)

Here are some goodies from “Dominate Him!”:

6.  “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin) into different parts of his body – his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”    See, I’m just gonna think you’re hungry.  And crazy.  And if I start thinking you’re crazy, I’m only gonna have sex with you like 30 or 40 more times.  (Because crazy chicks are awesome in the sack, you see.  ‘Til they get all stabby.  And from fork to knife isn’t far to travel.)

8.  “Tell him that he’s your slave for the evening, and if he does whatever you want, his reward is sex that is all about him.”  Two things here:  1) Cosmo clearly does not understand the concept of the sex slave, and 2) Doing what a woman tells you to do all day just so you can have sex isn’t really all that special for us.  *rim shot*

9.  “In your meanest schoolteacher voice, tell him to stand in a corner facing the wall and not to move.  After a few minutes, demand that he get into bed and ravage you.”  Um, if my wife yelled at me like that, my response wouldn’t be to get an erection, it would be, “Have you lost your goddamned mind?”  Then I’d get a beer.

11.  “Swivel a small ice cube over his frenulum (Note: they do not specify, but I am going to assume they mean the one on the penis, and not the one under the tongue, however, this IS Cosmo, so who the fuck knows) again and again until it completely melts.  While his skin is still wet, blow hot breath on it (breathe out through an open mouth).”  Okay, this one actually sounds intriguing, but I’m including because they felt it necessary to include instructions on how to blow hot air.  Ladies, if you haven’t mastered blowing warm air out of your mouth, then the old “ice the frenulum” trick is a bit out of your skill set.

15.  “Tie his silk tie loosely around his penis, then roll it up and down for a silky hand job.”  See, now I’m convinced that Cosmo is run by penis-hating lesbians.  Every article they have ends up with tying a penis up.  Besides, silk ties are fucking expensive.  You know whats not expensive?  Lube.  Try lube.

25.  “Use the back of a brush to swat his thighs when he steps out of the shower – wet skin is more sensitive.”  What?  Yes, I’m dripping wet, standing on a wet surface, by all means, smack me with a brush and make me jump.  Then read next month’s Cosmo for tips on giving a sexy sponge bath to your newly paraplegic boyfriend.

These next few came from the “Let Him Take Control” section.  Also, the fact that you think telling him what to do is letting him take control might explain why you’re still single.  But I digress.

3.  “Lie across an ottoman, and tell him, ‘Professor Wankerton, I’ve been bad and I need a spanking.'”  Sweet merciful baby Jesus.  “Professor Wankerton?”  Words cannot describe the stupidity.

10.  “Instruct him to wrap your chest and torso in plastic wrap and touch you through it – the muted sensation feels amazeballs.”  Hey, if you think this is gonna float your boat then by all means, go for it.  But, as a general rule, don’t take any advice from someone who uses the word “amazeballs.”

11.  “Put a bunch of (clean!) loose change in the freezer for an hour.  Tell him to slick your vulva with warming lube, then cover it with the coins (outside only!).  The cold against the heat?  Incredible.”  I’m gonna add this:  Make sure you use Canadian coins.  You stick something to a woman’s vulva, she’s gonna claim it as it hers.  No need to be out two bucks.

15.  “Get him to wrap your wrists in toilet paper for a lighter restraint.  While you are bound, he should tease you to the point where you’re so turned on, you have to rip free of your shackles.”  And when you break free, scream “HULK COME!”

20.  “Let him run an electric toothbrush between your toes midforeplay.  He shouldn’t stop no matter how much you squirm.”  Yeah, that’s gonna be YOUR fucking toothbrush.

I’ll say this, even though the article was chock full of hilarity, kudos to you if you’re the guy dating this girl.  She seems fun.

*BONUS MATERIAL*

Cosmo has a question and answer series by their “sex expert” (not the same person who the article above).  Well, their sex expert is “the author of several books, including ‘Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.'”  I repeat, “Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.”  That’s the name.  Of her book.  About dirty talk.  I can only assume that in this book she replaces “Fuck me hard!” with “Your Tumescent Member: How Thrusting It Into Me Expeditiously and with Increased Vigor Would Be Rather Scintillating.”

 

Back To The Well

I can’t quit you , Cosmo.  Not with your delightfully awful “advice” and truly insightful relationship articles.  You keep being you, Cosmo, and I’ll keep making fun of you.  This time, we’ll look at the joke that was Cosmo’s “His 10 Biggest Love Lies.”  And, like anytime Cosmo does an article about men, you can just go ahead and addend the title so it reads, “His 10 Biggest Love Lies That You Already Knew Were Lies So Aren’t You So Smart.”

#10: “I’m stuck in traffic.”  Cosmo: “The funny thing is, a guy will toss this line out even if what held him up is perfectly legitimate. Still, you shouldn’t let it slide — it’s a lie nonetheless.”  Me:  “Ugh, no we won’t.  If we have a legit excuse (that you won’t get mad about), we’ll tell you.  We’re too lazy to keep track of that many stupid lies.”

#9: “It wasn’t that expensive.”  Cosmo: “Men like toys, and they don’t like sensing your disapproval, even if you don’t share a bank account.”  Me: “I’ve never heard a man say this.  Ever.”

#8:“I’m on My Way”  Cosmo: “Guys usually throw you this line when you’re making them meet you at some event they don’t want to attend — like, say, your family reunion. He’s stalling, but he’s also being pouty. Consider: He can’t exactly refuse to go without enduring serious repercussions from you, and he can’t very well throw a temper tantrum in front of your pop-pop. So saying this and then showing up late is his way of gaining a wee amount of control.”  Me: “Or, you could just listen when he says he doesn’t want to go.  Your call, really.  Also, ‘pop-pop?’  Really, Cosmo?”

#7: “I Didn’t Have Too Much Too Drink.”  Cosmo: “If he says it often he could have an alcohol issue.”  Me: “Option B: He, in fact, does not have a drinking problem.”

#6: “Sorry, I Missed Your Call, # 5: “My Battery Died,” and # 4: “I Had No Signal.”  Cosmo: “These three lines all mean the same thing: I screened your call.”  Me: “Then they’re the SAME FUCKING LIE.  Not 3 different ones.  Cosmo’s habit of making numbered lists that don’t contain the number of items they say they do is embarrassing.  Shit, Cosmo, if you can only come up with 7 lies (which, quite frankly, means you’re not even trying), at least have the balls (tee-hee) to admit it and title your article ‘His Top 7 Love Lies.'”

#3: “No, Your Butt Doesn’t Look Big In That.”  Cosmo: “If you want an honest opinion, go ask one of your girls instead.”  Me: “Cosmo got this one right.  But before you go patting yourselves on the back with your response, keep in mind that if you think this is a big relationship lie, you’re a moron.”

#2: “This Will Be My Last Beer.”  Cosmo: “Our experts say this man-lie delivered over the phone means he wants to get you off ASAP so he can spend more time with his buddies.”  Me: “No shit.”

#1: “Nothing’s Wrong, I’m Fine”  Cosmo: “Next time he uses this line, give him a couple days and then ask him again if he is still bummed…and why. By then he may have figured things out.”  Me: “Or, just drop it.  Besides, in a couple of days, he won’t know what the hell you’re talking about.  Remember that bit about asking your girlfriend for an honest opinion of how you look?  It’s the same sort of deal here.  If you want to talk about feelings, find one of your girlfriends.  That’s not what we do.”

Sweet damn, do women really think these are the biggest lies we tell in a relationship?  Either women are adorably naive, or men are superb liars.  And because I’m here to help (as always), here are the real top 6 lies we tell (not including infidelity cover-ups).  See, Cosmo, when I can only come up with 6, I don’t pretend it’s more than that.  It’s really not that hard.

#6:  The lie: “Hell yeah I want to go fishing with you dad!”  The truth: “Fuck.  Shoot me now.”

#5:  The lie: “I understand.”  The truth: “I quit listening 20 minutes ago.  Are we having sex yet?”

#4:  The lie: “What?! I can’t believe she did/said that!”  The truth: “I have no fucking clue why any of this is a big deal.”

#3:  The lie: “Nah, I don’t really think your cousin/BFF/roommate is all that hot.”  The truth: “Holy crap!  I would stab a hobo to see her naked.”

#2: The lie: “Eww, threesomes sound gross.”*  The truth: “No, they fucking do not.”  *Normally, the idea of a man saying this wouldn’t even cross my mind, but a friend repeatedly told me that her husband has said this and refuses to recant. I told her every chance I got that he was lying, but she didn’t believe me.  Even if he means a “Devil’s threesome” there’s still a %75 chance he’s lying.  There has never been a time in history where going from one naked woman to two has not sounded awesome.  I believe Carl Sagan said that.

#1:  The lie: “I didn’t mean to put it in your butt.”  The truth: “Um, yeah I did.”  And, “I get that you’re mad now, but you know, maybe next time…”

An Open Letter To My Penis

Hey partner,

I know it’s been a while since we talked.  Not much since 8th grade.  And back then it was pretty much just me begging you to go away as I made the far-too-short trek from my desk up to the blackboard.  But you never did go away, did you, you little rascal?  You turgid scamp?  Nope.  It was just me desperately trying to solve the Pythagorean Theorem while the whole time you saw fit to strain against the dangerously thin fabric of my poverty-grade uniform pants.  I spent so much time doubled over, the school nurse thought I had scoliosis.

Then you spent all of high school playing your hysterical little game of “up periscope.”  Every friggin’ day.  Thanks for that.  You do realize that made it even more difficult to find someone (else) who would touch you, don’t you?  You managed to take my already disastrous social awkwardness, and run that shit up to DefCon4, all based on the knowledge that if some poor girl did have the audacity to speak to me for more than 3 minutes, you’d wake up to see what was afoot.

But we got past that, eventually (I can’t stay mad at you), and haven’t spoken much since, save the occasional apology during our college years.  And once again, I am sorry about all that.

We’ve had a pretty good run over all, and though you don’t greet me every morning as enthusiastically as you used to, I’m looking forward to many more years of trouble-free operation.

To sum up:  High school?  All is forgiven.  College?  My bad.  The future?  Hang in there, pal!  (Except, don’t, you know, literally hang there.)

Love,

Buddy