I don’t even know where to being. You youngsters out there only know Kirk Cameron as the guy who did that shitty “Fireproof” movie. But me? I remember him when he was Mike Seaver, the lovable, devilishly handsome rogue on “Growing Pains.” Which makes his current offering a thing of joy.
What is it? Funny you should ask. It’s a little thing called the “National Bible Bee Game Show.”
What is that? Well, it seems to me it’s pretty self-explanatory, but if I must. It’s a “game show” where kids who certainly aren’t being forced into it by their parents recite Bible verses from memory. I am going to watch one 1 hour episode for you. Partly because it’s 1 HOUR, but also because if I want to watch more than one episode, I have to pay, or remember to log in at 8pm on Tuesdays to Facebook LIVE watch it, and I’m not going to do either one of those things.
So here we go. It’s episode 4 and apparently there are 4 kids, who beat the crap out of those other non-Bible memorizing dullards to get here. For a chance to win $100,000. Wait. What? A hundred grand! I can only assume it’s coming out of Kirk’s “Growing Pains” residuals.
Ok. There’s a live audience, because sure, and the opening clip had people doing push-ups, just like Jesus did when he was walking on water, you know, for the chicks.
There’s a host panel of 3 people.
- “Nationally acclaimed entrepreneur and best-selling author, Jason Benham.” I Googled him and his brother. Yipes! They live in Charlotte, NC. Dangerously close. Don’t tell them about this. I don’t know what “nationally acclaimed entrepreneur ” means.
- “Last season’s winner of the National Bible Bee Game Show, Hannah Leary.” Hannah is unintimidatingly attractive. That’s all I’ve got.
- “And former professional athlete, and self-proclaimed better-looking twin brother, David Benham.” They were both Minor League Baseball players. Then they had a show on HGTV. Then they got fired for opposing gay marriage. And HGTV is not gonna piss off gay men, they’re 80% of House Hunters International.
The show starts with “witty ” repartee from the panel. It is not witty, and it has the same hallmarks as “repartee” as when I am ordering food at the drive through. It is delightfully painful to watch. David Benham awkwardly almost hits on Hannah, finds out she’s 18, and quickly, sloppily, backtracks. One of the hosts asks the contestants if they’re excited, three of them nod politely, one has the temerity to say “Hmm-mm” while he’s nodding. They are Anand, Andrea, Ethan, and Carissa. Try to guess how many non-white people are in that group. If you guessed “1,” congratulations!! Honestly, that was one more than I would’ve guessed.
Round one is the “Bible Knowledge Buzzer Round.”
Boom! Ethan completes a Psalm for 200 points.
Ugh. Carisaa shanks it on the color of the royal robes from the Book of Esther. Someone’s getting a beating when they get back home. Damn, now Andrea muffs it as well. Anand and Ethan too! Sweet damn, people. It’s a multiple choice question! It’s blue and white! Morons!
Scripture recitations are coming up next.
Hold on. The “Bible Knowledge Buzzer Round” only had 2 questions? That’s the most exciting round! I assume!
Okay, now an interview with Anand. His favorite person in thag;ggasfvbf;adkufvba;kdfjvbladfjvblajkfvblafkjvb. Oops. Sorry fell asleep on my keyboard.
And we’re back. Dammit, Kirk Cameron is crazy, but he’s a fine looking man. He’s now explaining how the “Scripture Recitations” round is played. It’s not really that tricky.
Anand is up first. Big points in play. He gets John 2:13-22. I’m on pins and needles here! One of the Benham’s just said he’d like to record Anand’s reading of that passage and play it at night because it would put him to sleep. He seems to think that is a compliment. I am beginning to suspect he is not a very intelligent man. So now they’re explaining what the passage meant, but meanwhile, I just want to know if he got it right! Come on! The people want to know! Yes! 1000 points for Anand! I think that’s a lot!
And now Andrea’s up. She pulls the dreaded Psalm 16. Ooh, she stumbles on “majestic.” Let’s see if that costs her. And another pause. Rough going, Andrea. Not a good recovery from the disaster that was the Buzzer round. Gah. More pontificating from the panel. I’m not here to learn! I’m here to mock the losers like Pope Paul II told us to! 1000 points! Are you kidding me? That’s a slap in the face to Anand!
OK. Ethan’s turn. Oh, he shoots guns off of his back porch. That is shocking. He pulls John 20:24-31. Wait, he just slipped into a half-assed British accent. What the fuck, Ethan? Focus on the passage and not your shitty accent and you may pull this one out. Blah-blah-blah. He dropped an “Amen” during the blah-blahs. Extra credit? Hold on, I was typing. Why the fuck are they talking about a hay bale? 900 points?! Come on.
Let’s what Carissa can do. Romans 5:1-11. Carissa seems to be killing it, but she gives me the heeby-jeebies. Her modest flannel shirt and ankle-length denim skirt only add to the creepiness of her recitation. That smile. The inflection. Completely normal. Not brainwashed. I repeat, NOT brainwashed. It’s possible she’s a Duggar. 1000 points! Well-earned, Malachi! Err, Carissa!
Ok. There’s not a lot of Kirk Cameron in this show. I fear I’ve been sold a bill of goods here.
Andrea’s interview. Well, that happened. Is her posture impeccable? Of-fucking-course it is. Don’t be ridiculous.
Time for the “Bible Knowledge All-Play Round.” (Side note:should swinger’s parties just be called “All-Play Rounds?” I’m sorry. That’s silly. Of course they should be.)
Score update: Anand: 1000, Andrea: 1000, Ethan: 1100, and Carissa:1000.
The “All-Play Round” is on general Bible knowledge.
First question: they all got it right!
This may come down to the wire.
Second question: They all nailed it again! Whew!
Third question: Again! Wow! All right! This is a thing!
Fourth question: What? Again with the perfection!
Ethan’s interview. He’s into film making. I’m gonna assume he means recording the MILF neighbor through her blinds. I could be wrong, but come one.
Carissa’s interview. She wants to be a refreshment to people? Um…….
Recitation Buzzer Round. There’s a twist! Um, not really. I don’t think average schmo there knows what “twist” means.
Carissa out the gates with a big answer! Still creepy as fuck though. She’s totally gonna be Stage 5 clinger when she gets to college. Calm down, I’m kidding. There’s no way her parents are gonna let a girl get an education. Minus 500 points! Ouch!
Anand. Hee-hee. He just said, “First Peter.” Hee-hee. 500 points with his Peter reference!
Anand again! I don’t think the producers were prepared for a non-white to win this show. In fact, I don’t think any of us were. Why is this Benham dude talking about licking honey off of stuff? Another 500 points. Is there time for anyone to catch Anand? Seriously. I don’t know. I have no idea how any of this works.
Ethan chimes in! Fake accent again. I’m beginning to think Andrea’s not even trying. Now Ethan is doing an impression from Lord Of The Rings because reasons. It’s Smeagol’s raspy growl. I assume that’s what his MILF neighbor hears every Wednesday night from the bushes outside her window. (Zing!) 500 points for Ethan! He’s back in it! I guess!!
Anand and Ethan are moving on to the semi-finals! Yay?
Well, that’s an hour gone. You’re welcome.